How serious is boyfriend's texting female friends compulsion?

[AnnaF55]

I live with my boyfriend and we have been very happy up until about 3 weeks ago. Since living with him I have realised the extent that talks talks online with female friends.

The first friend he spoke to every day or every other day and until I saw the messages I knew her to be an acquaintance. He would ask how her day was going, share their future dreams, send her cute dog photos to make her 'smile' etc. Finally he omitted her name when I asked who he was meeting one night (he met a group of friends I also know, she was there, he didn't mention it). I asked him to assert boundaries with her - he contacted her saying they were too close for a man in a committed relationship so he was taking a step back to focus on us.

Now I find out he's been confiding in another woman about us who I have never heard of. I asked and he said he 'barely knew' her but he's been asking her for relationship advice and again talking to her more or less every day. He talks about me constantly and the messages are banal chit chat, not exactly exciting.

This really bothers me and he knows this. He says he has booked a counselling appointment to deal with his need for external validation/get to the bottom of it. How serious is this habit for us?

He hid these friendships from me. Even when I said close opposite friendships are fine with me and I will occasionally meet up with them etc. Example: I asked who the 2nd woman was, he said he 'barely knew' her. But he talks to her every day and confides in her. Can you see how that would bother me?

A couple of weeks ago we spent a long weekend with his friends because he is very sociable. I am also sociable, though maybe not quite as extroverted and had a great time. It's not about that.

I liked what Bluebeau wrote. That resonates with me as I too like to be validated by others for various reasons...that is part of why I post on mumsnet and other groups.

Whilst posting on the groups takes away the personal element it still feeds my need to feel like I'm helping people which I don't get the opportunity to do enough in reality.

So whilst the OP's boyfriend won't be working out why he needs to do what he does, groups with anonymous usernames and steering clear of PM's may be an interim solution.

OP, you aren't wrong to be not ok with this. I wouldn't be either and nor would plenty of people. I'd hazard a guess that your boyfriend mightn't be ok with it if the shoe was on the other foot either.

As an outsider my instinct is to think 'finish it' but I know it's not that easy. The therapy thing would really bother me - he's essentially admitted he's getting non-platonic validation from women outside of your relationship, but I assume between admitting that and this 'counselling appointment' (by the way, is that on the NHS or what or is he paying for it? Do you believe he's booked it?) he's continuing to talk to these women?

It's possible that like a pp's husband he's just struggling to get to grips with committing meaning that you have to close off other options, if he's used to having ones lined up. That would make me fearful of how he might behave further down the line, but clearly there are some success stories. How would you feel about finishing with him?

That's an interesting perspective Joysmum.

pigeondujour it would be one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. It would break my heart as no other break up has. But I would do it if I'm the only option was to continue being disrespected. No he cut off the first woman, I saw the exchange and says he is going to do the same with the second. But I just want him to have boundaries rather than cut people off!

The thing is he is a very attractive man but has low self esteem. So I really worry he is giving women the wrong idea.

I think if it would really break your heart it's worth working on.

I just want him to have boundaries rather than cut people off!

Maybe totally missing the mark, but do you think perhaps he might see a friendship with a woman as not worth bothering with if there are appropriate boundaries in place?

My exh was like this. Always had a ‘special’ female friend he would text and meet up with. He ended up crossing the line with his best friends gf and we split up. He’s now with her.

I think a lot of people have this need for the validation and attention of men/women outside their relationship, but it really isn’t a great character trait in a partner.

That is what it seems like pigeondujour. I asked why he can't just have boundaries and he said unless he mentally cuts them off the correspondence gets out of hand. Surely a friendship worth keeping just needs boundaries?

At least he isn't intending to meet up with the women (so far) and it's purely online. He says he won't be meeting up with them but I suppose I have my worries now.

I was dumped for an online "friend" in my first relationship who started making noises about having "feelings" for my boyfriend - right around the time we got serious and his messages to her slowed down. Funny that.

In my experience these types of friendship with the opposite sex, where one friend doesn't know the other one's partner, can make you as the partner seem like a bit of an abstract concept. They often go down roads they shouldn't and that can be instigated by either participant.

I asked why he can't just have boundaries and he said unless he mentally cuts them off the correspondence gets out of hand

This coupled with his lack of respect to you makes me think he just has a really bad attitude to women. Only worthwhile when he's got the prospect of sleeping with them.

This isn't normal friendship at all. This is desperately needy and weird.

Well pigeondujour my instinct is that he doesn't just see them as worthy of sleeping with. I've seen him be supportive of my female friends about their careers and things like that. I think he does have a level of respect for women that goes above sleeping with them. But he doesn't seem to understand why his close friendships are risky. It is also worth saying that he is considerably more attractive than these women.

I don't understand the woman in the situation either. What woman is so invested in the daily actions of her friend and his girlfriend? How f'ing boring is that?!

I agree PNGirl. I once had a male friend who never mentioned his female friend even though they lived together. Eventually I thought he was setting me up as the ow and cut him off.

Now we are friends again but he shares his life with her and sends photos of their holidays etc.

Exactly. She only knows about your and your relationship in the context of what he tells her. It can easily lead to her thinking they have a special connection you don't have, etc. Again, not always, I'm talking about brand new online friends not long-term friendships!

He hasn't known the woman for 7 years. I don't know why he said he barely knew her at first.

*Has known