am I unreasonable and over-reacting? About a bike.

[EvilGreedyWife]

Married for 7 years, 2 DC. DH is otherwise lovely, we have a very happy marriage.

In December last year, DH lost his job, the company closed. He decided to set up his own business, as several of the clients were interested in continuing working with him. It's a consulting type of business, so no big costs to set up or run, but also no long start up time needed - so will likely remain on the current level.

Due to some reasons it is better if he does not take any money out of the company for 2 years. We agreed that we will try to manage with my salary, and keep the money in the company for now, to build up the savings. We're strugging though, we have no savings any more and bank account is pretty much emptied by every payday. DH is also always complaining that we can't manage (without offering any concrete solutions though).

The company is not really making any money. A project here, another there, but clearly not enough to actually live on. A few months ago, we agreed he will look at permanent employment. He did, and got to the last round. We discussed that for the commute, an e-bike would be useful. He spent many hours researching them, and agreed to go see one in another town.

The company then told him that while he was the selected candidate, unfortunately their management has just decided on hiring freeze. They might lift it in the next few months, but not guaranteed of course. As he had already booked train tickets to see the e-bike, and thought could use a day to himself, he went to that town anyway. We both agreed that of course, buying any bikes is not a good idea in those circumstances. He came back, I asked how it was, he said nice to walk around, etc etc.

Well, I have just found out that he bought a bloody 3000 EUR e-bike anyway, and hid it from me! His argument - he paid from company account, what's the big deal, it's not like he used our money for that.

I'm so upset I really don't know what to do. How doesn't it register that this is not some kind of free cash for toys and other fun purchases, it's money to pay mortgage and feed the kids! Just like my income. Plus, he lied to me, by omission.

So be honest - am I totally over-reacting? I feel that the entire marriage is touch and go at the moment. Or is it simply like all the women who hide their purchases and claim that 'oh this old thing?'

I would divorce someone over that.
It would kill any respect I had for them, and show me that they had no respect for me

Sounds like it was second hand? In which case, can it be sold for the same amount?

I don't understand why you're struggling but not using the money he is earning though

I don't understand why you're struggling but not using the money he is earning though - We live abroad, he gets benefits meant to encourage people to set up companies or become self-employed. The condition is though that you can't pay yourself a salary during this time.

Are you saying he is a swindler??

I would be very upset by this too OP. Especially because it doesn't sound like he is being particularly repentant.

swindler? No, where did you get that from?

Can he put the cost of the bike against tax?

Whatever about anything else, the fact that he hid the bike from you is awful.

You are making sacrifices to enable him to succeed and he's going behind your back

I think his thinking was that it was a really good deal (it's a secondhand bike, yes), and when the company comes back with the job offer, he could then reveal the bike and claim he just bought it.
But while I also believe there is a chance he might still get the job, as said, it's not in any way guaranteed.

It's the lying that would upset me. I don't know what these bikes usually cost new or second hand, but even if it was the best deal ever he should have discussed it with you. If I were in your shoes I'd be asking him to sell it and buy another one when he actually has the means to do so.

Is he a compulsive spender? The aforementioned cannot turn at from a bargain. How do I know this It's a real problem for me.

But it's no excuse. If he is a compulsive spender it's not unlike living with any other addict. Had you previously seen in him a tendency to spend?

And no you are not overreacting AT ALL.

springy no, he's not. He normally spends very little on himself - but he does have the tendency to get over-excited about some gadget or other. It's totally out of character to spend such amounts without discussing though, that's also why I'm so shocked.

He's playing fast and loose and lying to you in the process. You need to put your foot down or this will set a precedent, if it isn't already a continuation of poor behaviour. Does his potential employer know that he intends stinging them for an three grand e-bike? Or are they just more people he intends pulling a fast one with?

I really doubt that these entitled, self serving and downright disrespectful traits are a recent development, which begs the question, where are your boundaries?