Is he a serial cheat?

[confusedmama11]

SO my dp of over 20 years has always been jealous
saying that i 'flirt' with men, and accusing me of cheating.
This has seemed pretty irrational .. I dont believe i am a flirt, and no one else has ever made that accusation, I have not, and would not cheat.
Well, this year I caught him out and it turns he had been in a relationship with another woman for the past 4 years. We are still together , and he has, apparently , ended that relationship.

I can pinpoint when it started as his jealous behavior towards me became much stronger..

One of his excuses for cheating was that he was convinced i was doing it so why shouldnt he?

Now ive been thinking, over the years hes had other phases where he suddenly. and irrationally became very jealous, so im thinking, has he cheated before?
he denies it.. But when he confessed to this affair he only confessed to a one night stand.. not a relationship spanning four years
it wasnt until i confronted her (family 'friend') that the truth came out. so i dont feel I can rely on his honesty (which has been a huge shock, i had no idea he was capable of this).

This is really weighing on my mind, and I feel like I want to ask around, and see if anything comes to light..
Should I ? or am I being paranoid now and will it just make things worse?

He has been putting his penis into someone else's vagina for 4 years and you are still with him?
Are you ok?
I mean that genuinely, you sound like you have extremely low self esteem and worth, is he abusive? You do realise you could find someone else who actually respects you?
Everyone deserves to be in a relationship where they AREN'T being treated like UTTER SHIT!
please for the sake of you and your children leave this lying, disgusting, piece of shit!

so theres more too it then just lust or ego boosting or whatever other reason people have affairs..

you make it sound as if he is a special case and he is not like other people that have affairs,im sorry but he is exactly the same

stop making exscuses for him

Op with all due respect... You're talking about being paranoid and wanting to find out if there's been other women etc as though he's been caught sending an inappropriate text. He has definitely cheated on you for 4 years! For a whole fifth of your relationship he's been lying to you and sleeping with another woman. Please don't downsize this in your mind you deserve much more from your life.

i did tell him, that by being with him, i am denying myself the chance to be with someone who doesn't lie or cheat...

I just don't know how to progress, I feel like hes had the best years of my life, i don't want to be mod forties and alone.

The Ow admitted that she instigated the affair, not that that is any excuse...
I really want the truth, and don't know how i'm going to get it from him...

It feels like too big a decision for me to be making.
I am seeing a counselor now myself

I guess a lot of me can't believe this is really happening, as i naively thought his paranoia about my being a cheat meant that he would never be e cheat himself......

I'm so sorry for what you are going through, and even though ending the relationship seems obvious to an outsider, I do understand the deep desire to find out the whole truth. One thing you said, "it's made more complicated by the fact that i think he has unresolved mental health issues..' jumps out at me.

To me, that goes in reasons to end the relationship. My sister is bi-polar with psychosis, and I saw the toll it took on her children during the years she refused treatment. Both my mother and I encouraged her DH to leave her, and to take the children. Both of us said we were willing to go to court and say that he is the better parent and should get primary custody.

Mental illness is VERY hard on children. Your H isn't getting help. For all you know, he is having sex with yet another person while he is working away.

You can continue to process after the separation. I gently suggest counseling as a way to work through these complex issues. You are stronger than you realize, and finding your strength really is best for your children.