Tips on how to be around narcissitic FIL

[BillBrysonsBeard]

I finally stood up to my FIL about the effect he has on everyone around him (I barely touched on it to be honest) and now I'm the focus of his ire for daring to say anything. His other childrens partners have been on the receiving end of this too after challenging him in the past. Going NC isn't an option (unfortunately) so I thought I'd ask you lovely people for tips on how to manage when you have to see someone you hate.

Thankfully it's only twice a year... But the thought of seeing him and plastering on a fake smile is on my mind all the time.

My MIL is a lovely person in her own right but is a total enabler. She made my DP apologise to his dad after his dad had crushed his self esteem, for the sake of "peace".

He screamed at his children while they were growing up, got right in their faces and screamed ALL the time.
Called them fat and ugly as kids
He is constantly belittling his wife and kids e.g. "You have a tiny brain" "You haven't amounted to anything" etc
Always grumpy around everyone
Things always have to be his way because he's a man and he has the money. He thinks he deserves automatic fawning from everyone because he was a doctor.
Lots of things..
I hate him. How do you cope when you have to see people like this? Alcohol? Keeping busy in the kitchen? Being overly nice? I want to go out for the day while he's here but it'll cause an issue.

Grumpy is one thing, we've probably all got a relative who has to be endured.

Belittling people who care about him in such a rude and hurtful way? That's a whole other level. I could not be around that without calling him out on it, and I would not allow DC much contact at all. I don't want them witnessing or being talked to like that.

Does he do this with everyone? People in shops ,for example? Because if he doesn't, it's a choice, and one he can choose not to make with his own family.

I find it very difficult to stand up to family/ risk an upset. But this- I'm out the door.

You have made a great point there.. no he doesn't do it with anyone but family, he is very kind to others. Charming infact! It's a hard situation as he has a lot of money/inheritance which his children see as a kind of compensation for growing up with an abusive dad, so they suffer him and he gets to keep believing he's the bees knees. Money talks.. It's one of the reasons I'm so frustrated.. I have listened to all these stories from them about how he was growing up, and seen with my own eyes how he is now, comforted his wife and daughters countless times, distracted his grandchildren while he's on a shouting rampage.. yet he thinks I'm the 'problem' as I am the only one not bowing down to him. The other annoying thing is that he does have a small nice side. Why can't these people be 100% awful so we can cast them aside more easily..

I would be very unhappy about taking DC there at all though.

How is he with them?

He's okay with the kids, not a very involved grandad but pleasant enough. They don't like him though as they are aware of what he's like generally.

Personally I would like to send all narcs to an island and nuke it.

The only compensation to keep in the back of your mind is that he hates himself. This hollow shell of a being will never understand or acknowledge what you say about him.

Please don't expose your kids to him if you can avoid it.

He will have absolutely no sense of consequence

Well there you go... They don't like him.

I don't know OP. So much depends on context. How does your DH feel. Do you like seeing MIL, do the children love her? Does 'plastering on a fake smile' from now on mean walking on eggshells as no-one can face another explosion, or steely smiling at FIL who now knows that he needs to watch his tongue at least when you and your children are in earshot?

If the former - then yes, go out. And take the kids. And let them know why. You don't want them to grow up hating him.

I know plenty of doctors who have huge egos, nasty tempers and think they are gods and have very high standards for their children to live up to

Thankyou so much for all replies by the way, just talking about it is helping

I agree so much that he will never 'get it', so it was pointless to confront him as now I get all this grief and NONE of what I said has gone in.

My DP hates him far more than I do, he feels worthless around his dad and being screamed at really messed him up.
His mum calls him a narcissist too, is always planning to move back to the UK (they live abroad) to get away from him, apologises to my DP for giving him a shit dad.. but again she's trapped by money and she says she could never leave him to fend for himself. A lot of codependency going on..

Wizzy Yes! They spent their worklife ordered people around and getting everyones respect and can't handle someone standing up to them. He was treated like a god in his doctor days. I treat everyone equally so his status means nothing to me (which he hates!)

I think narcissism isn't a helpful word in these situations. He is emotionally and psychologically abusive. He is a perpetrator of child abuse who is using money to control his adult children.

Your children hate him for a reason. Don't waste any more of your precious time and that of your children trying to placate a cruel man. No inheritance is worth this. Your DH needs to access counselling to support him to walk away from his father because it is still harming him now.

Make it once a year?

At a holiday time that is not emotive like xmas (Narcissists always behave worse at that time).

How long do you stay? Keep it short. Definitely stay at a hotel so you are not under their roof (say you need it for the children, whatever excuse). Maybe just a couple of day outings? Always keep conversation light. Never (bother) getting into an argument, it is a waste of time and energy in my view. Be charming and pleasant (and distant). Do you have much contact the rest of the year?

This is all of course if you want to stay connected for possible inheritance.

But you don't have to - your call.

Its not possible to have a relationship with a narcissist.

Why isn't going NC an option here?. What does your man think of his parents?. Does he ever want to see either of them again?

Do not ever visit these people ever again particularly with your children in tow. They do not like him either and they certainly do not need to be subjected to people like them. He does not know the meaning of the word pleasant and such disordered people more often than not undervalue or overvalue the relationship with the grandchild.
He's probably threatened one or more of his adult children with the threat of disinheritance over the years as well; money is used by such toxic people as a further means of having power and control.

FIL is abusive through and through and his wife enables his behaviours. She may be trapped but she is getting what she needs out of their relationship. She is as culpable as her H here and has stayed for her own reasons. Her behaviour of getting her son to apologise to his abuser father for the sake of "peace" was particularly awful.

Many abusive people can be charming and otherwise plausible to those in the outside world. But its an act and the mask soon slips.

Why isn't going NC an option? There is no way I would waste one second of my life around that man.