So lonely and confused (possible separation)

[Sadlady77]

I don't even know where to start. I am not new on here but am for the purposes of this post :(

I have been with DH for 15 years, married for 9 and we have 2 children, aged 7 and 5. When we first got together I was, on reflection, on the rebound from another very intense relationship. However I was mad about DH. We both had an adventurous streak and loved travelling and generally having a good life. I was genuinely happy walking up the aisle and thought we would be together forever.

We had always had a feisty relationship. However, DH's parents have a terrible relationship and he thinks that this is normal. My parents had and have a normal relationship, with ups and downs but ultimately respect each other.

I don't know how long I've been happy with DH, probably at least 5 years. I can't bear him touching me and there is very little I actually like about him. He suffers from anxiety and is so uptight and negative about everything. He thinks nothing of calling me a spa or a c*nt in arguments. Sometimes I retaliate which I know is wrong but he has me drained. If I am arguing with him I will ask him to leave me alone but he will follow me around the house, blocking me from leaving, preventing me from going to sleep. A few weeks ago he tried to trip me up in the bathroom. I actually don't think he is capable of love.

About 2 months ago I bumped into the ex from before I met with DH. I wasn't expecting to see him and wasn't expecting to feel such an extreme reaction at seeing him (DH was out as well). My ex messaged me the day after to say how nice it had been to see me etc etc. He has been messaging other stuff about regrets etc but I've made it very clear that I am married (he knows I am unhappy) and he is in a relationship and nothing will happen so it has gone back to general chit chat and I'd say will peter out as I am not interested in anything while I am married.

However, meeting my ex was like a lightbulb in my head went off. The laugh I had with him that night reminded me of what it was like to be a normal, fun and respectful relationship (we broke up when we were very young because he wasn't making an effort so no major reason). It has made me realise how miserable I am and how I can't put up with this relationship.

I am in turmoil though. I am devastated at the thoughts of hurting the kids, even hurting my DH who I don't even like. I am worried about finances and am worried about being on my own (I don't even like staying overnight on my own). I am going to start going to a counsellor next week. Myself and DH went 3 years ago but it didn't help at all as DH is not even able to be honest with himself about his short-comings. I am no angel either and know I can be snappy but surely there is more to life than this.

Apologies for the long post but I am just so confused and sad about a possible separation. I feel like I am about to burst though so needed to get it out :(

Counselling for yourself is a good thing.It will give you the space to work on the issues.

Also I suggest you read books, Emotionally abusive relationship and Lundys "why does he do that".If you can identify with these then you will know you are in toxic relationship which will not get better.

I was very similar to you and left last year.
I kept a journal, read about abusive relationships, saw counsellors and then had the final straw moment.

Most people retailate verbally and perhaps unhealthily when in a toxic relationship and I found that once I was able to stand back and not retaliate the irrationally/viciousness of my ex became crystal clear.
Ex had a dreadful upbringing and only knows toxic relationships, it's his normal.Resolving conflict or compromise doesn't exist in his world, outside formal work relationships.

Splitting up the family was awful, worst day of my life but day to day we are now happy.
I wish I didn't need to divorce but it was either tolerate abuse or leave.I value my mental wellbeing and I wanted to break the cycle for my children.

It was very tough and ex is making finances difficult so money will be a struggle but I am much happier so feel optimistic about the future.

Take your time, get legal advice, if you think your H will be unfair in settlement go for a solicitor who you would not want to argue with.I chose a lovely solicitor but she's struggling to deal with ex's hostility so we are always on the back foot.

If you seperate and it sounds like you need to do not under any circumstances see the ex or anyone in fact. You need to work on yourself first and foremost and have a period of healing.

Thanks very much for replying. I will get them books and have a read of them. I think a journal is very good idea and think I will start keeping one because I tend to block out arguments whereas DH is very good at remembering them and bringing them up at a future date. He also doesn't care about arguing in front of the kids whereas I do. That's why I want to see a counsellor first. I feel like I want to get things clear in my own and off my chest before I can deal with DH. I think he will be beyond nasty so need to build up my energy for that.

You sound like you are in a much better place now though, so are giving me hope. Thanks

Hi Peanutbuttercheese,

Thanks for the reply. Yes I agree with you not seeing my ex or anyone. My ex has been through the same situation and is in a relationship now so not sure why he was messaging me with all that stuff. Anyway I have set him straight and have no interest in hooking up with him.

HI there, sorry you're in such a loveless relationship. Your partner is a bully and is abusive. For years i suffered this too and couldn't bring myself to leave. I always worried about it hurting the kids/money/being alone etc etc. There was always an excuse not to get out.
We finally separated 6 months ago after 16 years and its the best thing I have ever done. The kids are ok, I'm managing financially and being on my own is actually amazing. Don't get me wrong, I went through some dark times at the beginning but that is temporary.
Separation is not easy but life is too short to put up with this. You deserve some happiness so don't allow yourself to feel trapped because you're not.

Thanks Anon for your post. It just feels so loveless and lonely. I am trying to form some sort of plan to save some money, learn to drive, pay off some debts, get a full-time and go to counselling and then pluck up the courage to leave. There just seems like so much to do. I've given myself a year.