The Most Difficult Woman in the World

[UniqueSiren]

My mother in law. They're visiting this weekend and I'm so worked up about her coming. If it was up to me, I would NEVER see them, they are that awful. BUT I have kids and, like, a husband who kind of loves his own parents

She makes me ill. She's ungrateful, mean, self obsessed and severely judgemental. I do not enjoy one minute of the time we spend together (nor the hours spent making everything right for them). She's ridiculously touchy and sometimes falls out with [insert chosen whoever, usually me] and sulks for a long time then never reveals what the problem was. Generally the world has to revolve around them all the while pretending they're so lovely & good to us"!!!!!!

Thank F they're in a hotel because last time I almost harmed myself!!!

What do I do??? How do I cope?

Chocolate and wine. Thank your lucky stars they don't live closer.

Be glad they are not sleeping at your house! 😀

Play in-law bingo. Mentally make a list of all the shitty things they like to do or say and then mentally tick them off as they happen.

Can you have a close friend over some of the time? I find a 3rd party apart from family can encourage better behavior.

The bingo idea is pure gold. We do this at work with buzz words like compliance, value for money, the mission and other corporate bullahit

They stay at a hotel? You lucky bastard.

Can you outnice her? Just turn up your smile the more and more awful she becomes. An old friend does this and it does work kind of (in that you at least stop your self turning into her because of how awful she is). Other options - cooking something super complicated which you know they will love for them as a treat - gives you the chance to spend hours in the kitchen which they rest and relax in a different room. Obsessive house keeping - especially good if you are a bit of a slattern normally as it feels quite good to achieve tidy in so many rooms. Also three meals a day all cooked from scratch and with regular snacks and cups of tea - really good way to give yourself regular excuses to nip into the kitchen where they will hopefully leave you alone. Suggest day trips near you, great places to go for a coffee so they can "have a little holiday" since they've come all this way.

Just realised it's a bit sad to have so many of these when not one of them is bugger off and do the thing you love best in the whole wide world
for a few hours

Everyone needs a migraine or other unarguably bad illness that can be used to bow out of visits with in-laws or anyone else.

I am "suddenly struck down with a migraine" when I need a break. Dh is happy to facilitate my comfort.

My mil has tried to physically harm me, insulted me, accused me of terrible actions that I was astounded to hear, shamed me in front of our children with lies. Now she is dying. 30 years of meaness and she is the last grandparent left, but will probably not be here at Christmas. She wouldn't let go of my hands last weekend and I kissed her forehead with tears in my eyes.

I have made mistakes in my life, but treating her respectfully was one of the most difficult and rewarding experiences of my life. She made me cry many times from hurt but I know that my children and husband do not fault my actions. It was for them that I tried to ignore her, they appreciate it.

My advice: migraines so you can go to your quiet place and read while she is herself until you can go back out to her.
Best wishes, I understand your pain.

Unique

Your DH is key here in all this.

What is your DH's relationship like with his parents these days; you state he kind of loves his parents (people actually love parents no matter how rubbish they are) but narcissistic types like them who want the world to revolve around them are not lovely to be at all around. Having children and a H are not good reasons to continue to see them at all.

Does he have siblings; if so what is their relationship like with these people?

Does he notice how either one or even both of them treat you and in turn the children?. It does them no favours at all for them to see their parents being so denigrated and disrespected; it sends them mixed signals. Can he bring his parents to order (likely not) or is he the sort who says, "well you know what they are like, what can I do" sort of thing. Does he go child like in their presence too?. Or does he just want the whole thing to go away because he cannot or will not deal with his parents due to his own FOG (fear, obligation and guilt)?.

Almost harming yourself as a result of them is serious and should not be underestimated at all by your H.

At the very least you need to raise your boundaries a lot higher with these people and not be at all afraid to call out bad behaviours from them. Do not make any further efforts let alone spending hours trying to make things right for them because they will always but always find fault. I would be out with your children as much as possible during their visit (who invited them also?).

I'd just go out a lot. Not your parents, no need to socialise beyond a quick hello, cup of tea
Easy

Attila is right and you need to address this with your DH next week.

Meanwhile you need to have a migraine. Or a very ill close friend or family member that you need to go and visit. What about a close friend from work who has just had a cancer diagnosis ?

You will be doing your H a favour as he will get to spend even more time alone with his parents and care for his lovely children.

I am shocked that your husband doesn't care that his parents make you ill and want to self harm. Is he usually this heartless ?