Help me to explain my feelings please

[lovelybut]

I have just broken up with someone after 3 years, I'm ok with it and know it was the right decision but I know I have confused him by not being about to explain my reasons why

Its to do with his attitude to sex, he would take it very personally if I didn't want to have sex for 3 or 4 weeks

Sometimes I would be more keen and we would have sex 2/3 times a week, then it may go longer but because I knew he was upset/hurt about it, I would become more tense and avoid sex more often, so we would go round in circles without ever discussing it properly

He is a really nice guy but not the most emotionally intelligent person, he would be horrified to think I was feeling under pressure from him but to me after being in an EA relationship before, it is to much of a red flag to ignore

I would like to be able to explain it to him but it always sounds like I am calling him abusive, which he isn't, he is really lovely in every other way

Does this make any sense?

You don't need to explain anything to him, you're not his therapist and you don't owe him a post-mortem of his behaviour that made you uncomfortable.

It's quite common for women who have been in one abusive relationship to go into another. Have you considered the Freedom Programme?

May be if you explained the break up without laying blame.

The two of you weren't compatible sexually, and you therefore decided that the relationship didn't have long term potential.

That's not any body's fault. Might help him get closure.

I think you did the right thing. Sex is one of the things that married people argue about the most. If you aren't on the same page and it causes tension and anxiety, the relationship really is doomed, even though it has it's good bits.

Sorry you are going through this.

You say he took it personally if you didn't want sex. What exactly would he say? How did he behave?

I agree that you don't owe him any further explanation other than you are not compatible. But it might help you in future if you know the exact behaviour that you didn't like.

Thank you, I know I don't owe him an explanation but it feels unfair to leave him questioning our whole relationship when it really was just this one thing

He would never say anything about it, I think that was part of the problem, it became a huge elephant in the room

I have asked him for some space to think, which he is of course respecting, why can he not just be a bastard about it and make it easy for me

I think it's OK to tell the truth if you want to, just please realize that it's really really unlikely that he actually wants to know the truth. What he wants is for you to either salve his ego, or, get back together with him.

So be prepared for it to turn a bit nasty/manipulative if you do decide to be honest with him. He's likely to argue with you (nicely even - you may only realize later what he was doing) until you say something that he wants to hear.

I'd probably stick to "I'm sorry, I just didn't feel that spark and I need to move on". That way he can't argue (much) with you.