Emotionally unhealthy mother

[fizzlethebizzle]

My mother has always been emotionally unhealthy, although it's taken me many years to realise this.
I have tried having a 'distanced relationship' with her but it's proving quite difficult. However NC needs to be a last resort imo.
During my birthday recently, she got very drunk and referred to me as a snob infront of my friends, made crude jokes about her partners pens in comparison to my father's and then proceeded to tell everyone how much childcare she provides us with and how ungrateful we are (supposedly a joke) and she very rarely provides childcare anyway! I couldn't believe it.
I asked her to stop drinking and she stormed off in a strop. The following day was like nothing had happened.
We saw other family members the following day and blatantly ignored my mother-in-law (jealous of the bond my DS has with her). It was uncomfortable.
She's in a relationship with someone who drinks heavily and does not work; one minute I hear from her regularly, asks about my life, appears interested, she sends thoughtful gifts. The next minute, I can not contact her, she's making sarcastic remarks and not apologising for being an embarrassment. She's very hard faced.
My DS adores her; this is the only reason I keep her in our lives. But I'm not sure I want her in it any more whilst she behaves like this.
when I was younger, I was no doubt her favourite child; I adored her. As a grown up with my own mind, she's quite cleary struggling to treat me with respect and I'm not sure she even particularly likes me anymore. I don't like her either.

*partner's penis! Darn predictive text!

She seems quite jealous of you maybe? Lack of consistency is a problem in my relationship with my parents too. It's selfish behaviour. As a parent I could never treat my own this way and forever questioning how they can do this to me.
I was recently told to confront my parents about their behaviour. Have you done this? I know it can be difficult as I have not as yet. I try to distance myself as much as possible but again that is hard too.
I hope someone comes along with better advice. I will be following too.

Your mother was not a good parent to you when you were growing up and she is not a good example of a grandmother to your DS either. She is selfish at the very least and remains so.

I would think you are mistaken in your belief that your DS adores her; he can and does all too clearly see how you as his mum are treated.

Why does NC need to be a last resort; the contact levels you currently have are clearly not working so these will further have to be lowered.
Do not keep your mother in your lives simply because of your son; he will not thank you for doing so and also because you are also sending him mixed messages. She could well emotionally harm him in not too dissimilar ways as to how you yourself have been harmed; you're full of FOG at the very least (fear, obligation and guilt). Deal with your own FOG properly and raise your boundaries higher.

What may well help you here is to further strengthen your still too low boundaries. This may be hard to do because you've probably been brought up by her not to have any when it comes to her; she may well see you as an extension of her own self. Finding a therapist and importantly one who has no bias about keeping families together could well help you also. BACP could help in that respect.

You are probably seeing a similar dynamic now being played out between your son and her. You supposedly adored her as a child but when you developed a mind of your own she likely did not like that at all. She is not healthy to be around your son either. I would think that your mother has not fundamentally altered in any real way since your own childhood, the golden child role is also one not without price here. Disordered people like your mother truly never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

Would post and or read the "well we took you to Stately Homes" on these pages and read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward.