Everybody's life moves on but mine

[DarkDarkNight]

Relationships is probably the wrong place because I'm not in one and can't see anything happening anytime soon.

I'm early 30s, separated with one child. I have so many issues relating to body image and also struggle with anxiety and depressive episodes. I'm so sick of seeing everybody in my life separate and then move on so quickly. I have seen people I know move on to new relationships within weeks or months. I know I will still be alone for years.

I'm not the kind of person who needs a man to be happy, I have been alone more than in a relationship and generally it's fine. But I am so lonely and the idea that I will be like this forever is really starting to get to me.

Counselling. And mindfulness. You can feel better. I promise, I've done it. You might not rule out loneliness for ever, but who can do that? Even married people get lonely sometimes. You can make improvements. Get a good night's sleep and start tomorrow.

I've had some counselling when my anxiety spiralled and I was having panic attacks and overwhelming feelings of guilt. I feel a bit better now but still get so down.

I see people move on in a matter of weeks sometimes not even months. It's been three years which isn't a long time to me but I have no social life, no prospect of anything improving.

I feel abnormal, I can cope with being alone now if I believe it will change at some time, but I don't think it will.

Hi, I just wanted to say I'm in almost exactly the same position (just with more than one child) and I know what you mean.

My ex is an abusive arse and I knew I needed to be on my own for a while after he left, but like you its been three years and I feel like my life has basically ground to a halt and I'll be alone forever now.

A friend of mine (or former friend, I should say) was also a single parent, but managed to find a new relationship in a couple of months. But she is drop dead gorgeous and I suppose I'm feeling it's because I'm old, fat and ugly (or just feeling it maybe) that I haven't met anyone where there's been a mutual attraction. I see her and she just looks so put together and here I am in old clothes etc.

So far I've had:
One married man (old enough to be my dad) make a pass at me.
One guy with serious, seriour mental health problems ask me for coffee.
One male 'friend' looking for a shag.
One strange stalky lady grilling me because she didn't trust bisexuals.
Wasn't remotely attracted to any of them.

I've also had crushes on a hand full of unavailable uninterested men and women.

And that's about it. In 3.5 years! I just never go anywhere that I would meet anyone.

Sorry for the hijack.

That wasn't meant to sound like a slight to any of those people BTW, just that they definitely weren't right for me.

I have an acquaintance like your friend, she is also very outgoing and vivacious where I am an introvert and most definitely come across as standoffish.

I am stuck in most evenings and /or with my child so there's not much chance of meeting anybody. The thing that is getting me down is even if I met somebody I liked I wouldn't allow myself to date because of my self esteem.

I don't even get attention from the undesirables I used to anymore 😂 I feel like I have closed myself off from the possibility. And yes to the inappropriate crushes on the unavailable and uninterested.

I can relate to that. My self esteem seems to have taken such a battering from all directions. It seems to put up a barrier between me and the outside world. I feel like I've taken so many knocks and got back up again so many times, but without anyone else believing in me, (besides my kids who are too young for that kind of emotional responsibility) how much longer can I go on for?

Things I've tried, that have helped a little and may be of some help to you are:

Yoga with Adrienne daily (all videos free on youtube) - she's quite big on self love and self acceptance.

Writing a list of all my deepest hopes and wishes for myself for the future and re reading it every night in the hope it will sink in while I'm asleep.

Trying to do some physical excercise each day.

Also, trying to find community based things to join and hopefully meet new peopl (for me it was a not very religious church, but obviously not for everyone).

Also, not dating related but are you a Gingerbread member? They tend to have groups on Facebook that organise local meetups. I found it helped a bit just to chat with other women who understand the frustration of single parenting.

I have been doing a lot of exercise DVDs at home, I slipped out of the habit a bit recently but am getting back into it. I have never been somebody who gets a rush of endorphins, but if I'd make me feel better, certainly better than sitting in the sofa on my own every night.

There is a local Pilates class I would like to go to but I don't eel confident enough yet.

Gingerbread is a good idea, even apart from any romance I hate going to soft plays and bring on my own. It seems like there are big groups everywhere, it means the kids all know each other and stick in a group. I hate that my anxiety and loneliness impact on my child this way.

I hate that too. I just sit there thinking 'how does everyone else already know everyone else??' Plus my youngest has suspected ADHD so not only do end up on my own, I'm on my own chasing a screaming kicking child (and then I feel paranoid everyone else is staring).

Pilates sounds good. What do you think it would take for you to feel confident enough to give it a go? Maybe even just buying some new stuff to wear to it that you feel good in?

Ladies!

Why are you measuring your happiness on the length of time you have been single for!

I honestly know you have seen and read this time before but you need to learn to love yourselves before you even think about entering a relationship.

You don't need a man/woman to make you feel good, you can make yourself by feeling good. Then when your ready you can meet someone who will have the same opinion of you as you have of yourself?

A relationship does not define you!

You need to step outside of your comfort zone, go to that Pilates class. Get dressed up and go for lunch by yourself.

What's the worst that can happen you don't like the class so don't go back? you have a fab time and meet some friends?

You will never know if you don't go.

"Ladies!
Why are you measuring your happiness on the length of time you have been single for!"

Sorry, but this kind of comment really pisses me off, and it's usually made by women who havent been single for more than a month in their lives. It's very easy to say "its not that important" when you know its not you that will be running short any time soon.

Ladies - It's OK to be upset at the thought of never finding someone, and some people dont - I try and console myself that I have had some relationships and that for a period of time they were good - not many, and not for long, but they were there.

Its OK to feel lonely, and want a relationship. It's OK to see people in relationships loved up, and want that for yourself, and feel sad that you havent got it, especially if you are not one of the conventional beautys. It's OK to want and miss sex! You are not letting the sisterhood down by acknowledging that you dont have something that you want, and that most people want - look at what almost every song is about!

I agree with wontbedoingthis 👌 it really doesn't define you as a person being single for a month or a year or longer....
Push your boundaries!
I have dated and not met anyone. I have befriended some of these guys and most have met other people.
I think, being single has lots of opportunities to find 'you'.
I remember lots of people telling me 'he will appear when you least expect it' or 'be happy with you first'. I know people mean well but I remember thinking 'hmm you have no clue what it's like to be single'.
Then I all of a sudden realised that we do have to find ourselves. We need to be happy living! I will not just 'wait' anymore. Find you we enjoy!
I made myself a bucket list. To try and push myself to do things alone. Be kinder to myself.
Sorry for long reply but I know exactly how you are feeling but somehow we have to turn it around. I do believe that once you are happy with you and your life being single 'he will just appear from nowhere' :)

Stormtreader I was single for about five to six years didn't have sex for three ? Tell me again how it's usually made by relationship hoppers. Never have been one never will be.

Spent my single time looking after myself sorting out my future and working on myself. Then I met someone by chance as I had more confidence and was positive.

I was suggesting the lovely ladies should wait for a man or woman before they start living!

Of course people want to find someone but I think people are in a better place mentally when they are happy and content with themselves.

Sorry. SHOULDNT wait for a man or woman *

Go to Pilate's whatever you look like. I go, and we are all shapes and sizes. Nobody bats an eyelid and it is both good for you and calming. It could also be sociable if you keep going regularly. Good luck.

I know, I just feel like working on my self, trying to find out who i am, making myself happy - all that stuff is so important, but it feels like an insurmountable task sometimes. It's like a vicious circle: I spend all my time and energy on the dcs I'm tired and run off my feel as they all have additional needs. And when they're with their dad I know I should be working on improving my own situation, but I lose all incentive without them, until they're back and I'm run off my feet and no better than I started. And still no one to share it with.

So frustrating!

It's really not that I need a man to be happy. I just feel like there is something wrong with me. Being in a relationship is definitely more the exception than the rule to me. I haven't got the confidence, and in the past I have turned down people I really liked because of a complete lack of self belief.

I think that's why I was posting really. There has been half a dozen people I know in the last year or so end a relationship and they just seem to move on so easily. It feels like there is something wrong with me.

The Pilates thing comes down to confidence. I know there are people of all shapes and sizes but I have always had unrealistic expectations of what I should look like. It's caused disordered eating in the past, I just couldn't go to a public class before I felt ready.

I think most people would agree that what wontbedoingthis says is factually correct, but it comes across and a bit patronising to come on a thread like this and say it in that kind of tone.

A bit like going onto a thread about depression and saying 'Ladies! Chin up - it might never happen!!!'