Emotional affairs

[Time40]

I'd never heard the term "emotional affair" before I joined MN. These "affairs" seem to be seen here as actual cheating. I can see that they might be cause for concern, and make the partner who isn't having the "affair" feel very uneasy, but I don't see how they qualify as cheating. Surely, the fact that nothing physical happens is the very definition of not cheating. I am not having an "emotional affair" with anyone, and I'm not sure I'd want one, but if it did happen I don't think I'd feel that I was cheating.

I hate it when people make sweeping statements about how monogamy isn't natural. It's natural for me. It's what I want and what I thought I was getting in my marriage.

You think your spouse declaring their love for another woman is not cheating, OP?

Is this just in your relationships or across the board?

@Time40

so if your partner was spending lots of time and energy on someone else, thought only that person really understood him, lied about where he was when you were with the kids, but eventually came home and f**cked you while thinking about her, you'd be fine with it? Because at least he didn't cheat?

Because the only thing that matters is where his penis ends up?

I honestly can't think of anything more degrading.

I think an emotional affair is more of a threat to a marriage than a man having a one night stand with someone he met briefly.
It's them opening up to the other person and sharing stuff with them they should be sharing with their spouse, and thinking of the other person all the time instead of their spouse.

My DH had an EM and 12 months on it's changed and somewhat ruined my life, my health, my state of mind and to some degree my relationship with my DS as my temper and mind is in such a state still. I wake everyday with dread and a knot in my stomach.

So for me, an EM was/IS worse than cheating

I think one of the issues here is how hard it is to define an emotional affair. There are the horrific scenarios people have described above, which most would struggle with (sharing intimate personal details, declaring love, etc). Then there are grey areas which in the past may not have been defined as "emotional affairs" but which MN often labels as such. I can think of several situations I know of where an "almost-affair" (which could be defined as an emotional affair) which stopped short of a physical affair was the wake-up point which ultimately strengthened a marriage.

Fluerdelea, I feel the same and have decided to get some space for a few months but don't have kids at home to think of , I totally sympathise

I also agree with you, OP, that in some circumstances resisting an incipient attraction, because of the degree to which you value your marriage/partnership, can be seen as testament to its strength.
This doesn't really apply if it only stopped before physical infidelity because it was found out, or because the other person stopped it.

I agree with PP that emotional affairs are just as damaging if not more so for all the reasons listed above. But I'm wondering where the line gets crossed between "friendship" and "emotional affair". Because that's the thing that gets thrown about isn't it? "She's just a friend".

I think the choice of words is important "she's just a friend" is probably minimising, "she is my/a friend" that's factual

I think the secrecy and the intensity are the things that make emotional affairs different. If your husband has a special female friend that he chats to more than his other friends, seems to text a lot and rely on her opinion a lot and the messages have a slightly flirty tone, if you are ever allowed to see them, and he keeps up the contact when on holiday with you and texts/emails late at night and he doesn't tell you most of the stuff and is secretive about it that's an emotional affair. A woman he might go to the pub with occasionally in a mixed group and where you meet her too and he doesn't send her more texts/ messages than he sends anyone else, that's just a friend.
My husband had an emotional affair and it was obviously different from his other friendships, and more secretive.

I found out about my dads 'emotional affair ' on his deathbed

It was awful and I shudder to think how my mum would have reacted

They are a big deal

Prioritising another person's emotional needs before that of your partner? Devastating.