Have told dh that I want to seperate....not sure where to go from here

[Upsadaisy]

I told him on Monday and it was awful....I feel so cruel. He's adamant that he wants us to work and has asked we go to counselling.
We've been married 11 years and for most of it he's hardly bothered with me. Weve been to counselling before and though it did work he went back to his old ways..we've been in counselling two seperate occasions. Not only that i've called him up on taking me for granted many many occasion and his promises didn't last.

11 years I think I finally get the hint that he's not going to change and its just the way he is and thats ok for him but it leaves me feeling miserable....I even wonder if he's wanted to split aswell but didn't want to be the bad guy.
he didn't want to spend time with me, didn't want to go anywhere with me, didn't want to socialise with my family and friends (not that were in each others pockets), only put effort in sex if I was on top and complained about aches and pains for any other position (he's 33 and healthy), rarely like me cuddling him he would always push me away after a second or say he's busy I think I've finally got the hint and I feel bloody stupid and on top of that because its me breaking up people think I'm being unreasonable.

I've got to say that i'm gutted myself.
He's not having any of it...to him we can still work and is not listening to anything I say.
I don't know what to do next. We do have debt so he has agreed to sell the house to pay it off but as far as he's concerned we'll be moving into a rented house together despite me saying 'look I'm sorry but no' repeatedly.
I can't afford to move out and he's refusing.

I don't know how to move things forward. I know I need to see a solicitor...had hoped we could work something out ourselves.
i just needed to get this down.

Haven't got any helpful advice, but wanted to post anyway. I split up from the man I was engaged to after a seven year relationship and it was awful. Thankfully no DCs involved and I could afford to just move out. But I know how you feel 'gutted'. I'm sure you know you're doing the right thing and you have to stick to your guns. I, too, had a man who wasn't having any of it and hounded me for many a month.

I hope things start to get better soon {{}}

Thank you bristols how long was it before he left you alone?

A few months, I would say. It was difficult because we would bump into each other in pubs etc. He would say what I felt to be inappropriate comments like 'nice arse' to which I would have to reply 'it's not yours to look at anymore.' Was very awkward for both of us, really. We also had a mortgage together so we had to be in contact to sort that out. Thankfully, I managed to move all my stuff out when he was out one day. He cried an awful lot which was incredibly hard to deal with.

I have no advice but I just want to say you are very brave. I do not love DH any more and wish I could leave. I just don't know how to go about it as we have 2 DC's and I kow he still loves me. I know it's hard as I really fought with myself when I realised that i didn't love him any more, tried to convince myself that I did as I couldn't believe that I could fail at marriage.I wish I had your courage and I wish you all the best.

I feel like a coward....I've agreed to go back to marriage counselling.

Dont feel like a coward...Do you think you could drag this marriage to where you want it to be? Could you be happy with him?

I don't think that's being cowardly. Its giving it your best shot. See how it goes. You never know... It will probably focus your mind one way or the other and may help to make the decision easier. It may also help your h see things more clearly. Hope it goes OK.

Willows - you haven't failed at marriage it takes two to make it work.

Charliecat - I'm not sure i could be happy with him. I know I can't make him happy and I can't be bothered trying to anymore...would rather just concentrate on self and children (not that I consistently go out of my way to make him happy but he is pretty much a miserable git and I honestly beleive thats just the way he is and everytime he tells me he can change I'm just thinking your full of S**t. I don't beleive a word he says anymore he's broke to many promises. I'm just numb I don't know.

Bristols - I think I'm hoping the counselling will help him see clearly. He's said he can see now were things have gone wrong and were he never really acted when he should of. That really pees me off as shame he didn't realise it at the time I gave him plenty of opportunities. He also said tonight that he doesn't know if he wants to go through with the counselling and it would be easier to just leave (my stomach dropped when he said that). I'm confused. He said he's going to ring Tuesday to see about arranging it. I'm worried I'll be trapped.

Counselling can be useful to enable a couple to end a relationship. It can be useful to work out things and understand what happened.

Maybe counselling will help your H to come to terms with the inenvitable

You have my sympathy too. Breaking up with someone who still loves you is an incredibly tough thing to do, especially if you can't just pick up your bags and leave. But just because someone loves you doesn't mean they are a good husband (yours clearly isn't), and you can still be a good and deserving person even if you don't love them.

It will be tough, but keep your eyes on the prize - you will have to work for it, but it is most definitely worth it.

Willows, your moment will come. Remember, if you stay as you are one of you will always be unhappy. If you leave, he will get over it in time and find happiness again with someone who loves and values him, and so will you. Don't be a martyr for ever - it's not fair on either of you.

I'm so sorry for you. It sounds like he's very 'passive-aggressive', ie. he won't ever do anything obviously 'bad' to you, but subtly lets you know in other ways so that eventually you'll complain, or leave - then deny everything so you get lumbered with the responsibility.
I think you were right to think he won't change - not unless he sees it and wants to.
I recently faced a similar situation with a man I wasn't with for long (long enough to get knocked up ) who continually treated me a bit like your Dh - he wouldn't call when he said he would, made excuses not to be around me and Ds1, like 'losing' his phone - regularly took off for days, but when I asked it was always my fault somehow, even though I'd tried to call.
I left him when I was 3 months Pg in November, and he'd gone off for a few days again...he was being pretty emotionally abusive by this point, and didn't want the baby - but realising my family were willing to support me was a huge relief as I'd felt trapped with having his baby.
But as soon as I ditched him, he was in tears, wanted to commit, wanted us back, I 'didn't inderstand' that he had only been nasty because he loved me, etc etc.
He rang from time to time, left me chocolates etc. by the door (creepy) until a few weeks ago when I asked him to explain his behaviour and make his case for a future together. I got no decent answers, and asked him for some space before the baby arrived as I couldn't take the pressure. He's obliged remarkably willingly, and I still feel he's basically trying not to look like the 'bad guy', a bit like your husband - as long as he is protesting innocence and good intentions, (and 'love') then he can quite happily be uncommitted!
I understand how you fear being 'trapped' and it does sound as if your Dh is a bit manipulative, but it sounds like he's playing games and probably quite enjoys them if they've been going on for so long.
I would trust your instincts and get out as soon as is feasible, do you have anyone like family who would give you support - at least approval? That is so important and really gave me the strength, as before Mum begged me to leave him, I was afraid she'd judge me or resent having to help with DC's.
I wish you lots of strength and luck, and don't be tough on yourself as it's really normal to feel ambivalent or confused after such a long relationship - especially with someone who knows how to 'work' you.
Love and hugs, you can do it.

Just to add that some people have even said to me, on finding out I left the man whose child I was carrying - 'I don't think you want a man, Susie' - as if it was all my decision, and I'm quite happy to be a single parent to two demanding boys!! But I keep my chin up and brush it off, because I know how badly he treated me, and I know i never expected it, and have gone through hell this pregnancy without the support I was counting on. So please don't let anyone elses opinion about who left who, get to you. No one knows what has gone on expect you and him, and it doesn't affect them anyway. xx

Do you have to move? Couldn't you keep the house and divorce and he moves out? Or can't you afford that?

Go to the counselling but be very honest with the counsellor about what has happened and that your OH hasn't made any of the changes that were required/agreed.

And also, counsellors don't always recommend that you stay together - sometimes they are there to help you realise that there isn't anywhere to go in the relationship, and then help to facilitate a separation.