Trying to move on from my affair

[LaceyRose]

So I'm new to Mumsnet and wanted to post on here to see if anyone has any advice or has been through a similar situation and how to go about repairing things. I know some people will think my behaviour is awful and believe me I agree but everyone makes mistakes so I hope someone out there can help.

I've been with DH for 12 years, we have two DS. Last year I had a bit of a fling with a younger guy. We never actually slept together but it went further than kissing. At the time, things between me and DH were very bad and I was extremely unhappy - I tried for over a year to explain to him how unhappy I was but he didn't get it as he was content with our relationship. Anyway, we ended up separating for 4-5 months and then going to marriage counselling to try to fix things.

In the end we decided to give it another go and initially he made loads of effort but it's kind of slid back to how it was and I feel we are lacking that connection. Maybe I am naive to expect that after so many years but it's something I really would like us to have.

I feel so guilty about what I have done as DH would be so upset and angry and probably divorce me! At the same time my self esteem is on the floor from this other guy who didn't treat me well (no more than I deserve). I just want to feel better and try and to fix my marriage - I feel like I don't know whether to end it because of the fling as if we were truly happy I wouldn't have gone there?

I know I'm in the wrong but any advice would be great as I feel so unsettled.

Thanks

Please then tell him. Don't excuse it when you do tell him. Then both of you can decide whether you want to be together or not. With an honest foundation.

mainly it's the kids as I don't think any child needs to hear stuff like that about their parents (I did about one of mine and it was awful).

But again. Thats not about the kids. Its about you.

If you choose not to tell him, thats your choice. But trying to make your choice into something altruistic is just decieving yourself.

Assuming he isn't going to change his behaviour at all, which seems likely, do you want to be in the relationship? If not, which also seems likely, then plan to end it, to separate and coparent as amicably as you can.

Or seek couples counselling, tell him you're thinking of ending the relationship because you've been unhappy so long, and give it one last chance.

I agree with you. It is so so hard to split when every day you tick over fine.

Iv been with me partner 9 years and we get along fine day to day but I also feel like something is missing, splitting up a family isn't just something you do on a whim.

I think that when we feel guilty about something we've done, the best thing we can do is to NEVER DO IT AGAIN. I don't think that confessing is helpful if it will deeply hurt another person.

To me, your marriage sounds unhappy and unsatisfying. Telling your DH that you cheated isn't going to fix that, it will only add more problems.

The fact that you planned a trip away and he "forgot" about it is really big. Have you guys tried marriage counseling?

Coyote I just don't think harbouring a huge secret and lying to your partner works.

They hurtful event has already happened, you don't shield people by lying to them. It's there. It'll come out in some form, already is, through deception. At least confessing reduces the hurt by taking away the lies.

For months I felt strange, inadequate, crap. I thought I was going crazy. My DP was so nice still, we were still having great sex. But there was something.... I blamed myself. Got depressed. When I found out he was cheating all that time everything suddenly fitted together. I wasn't mad! It was a huge relief as I had a name for what I couldn't name before. I dread to think that I'd still be doubting myself if I'd never found out.

I think you should tell him, he isn't going to change by the sounds of it so what happens next time another guy turns your head; you'll be back there again but with double the guilt.

Tell him, tell him how bad it's been for you that you ended up with someone else; what's the worst that could happen, he leaves you, sounds like you're not getting much from him anyway if you have tried to tell him for a year!

Sorry but nothing will change, your guilt will ease but the elephant is still in the room.

I'd have to tell him, and if it meant losing him then so be it; if you are both meant for each other then the bit on the side is maybe the massive wake up call he needs, although yes it will hurt him terribly but tbh you should have a consequence, it may help you not to do it again.

Justdontknow - yes that's exactly how I feel, like something is missing and after all these years I don't want to just end it even if it hasn't been great. I'm hoping it will get better and we can move on from everything.

Coyote - we had marriage counselling. It went ok, still have lots of trouble trying to talk things through and see each other's point of view. It's like banging heads sometimes.

Autumn, sorry to hear about what happened to you. Are you still with your DP?

Adora - I wouldn't do it again. It might seem that I have had no consequence but believe me I have felt terrible since it happened. Like I said in my previous posts, I never considered cheating and never thought I would do it based on my own childhood which is a whole other story. Having now done it it brought up a lot of emotions and feelings not to mention the risk of destabilising my DC which which would be something I would never forgive myself for.