Settling for too little or expecting too much? (long..)

[ScandiCinnamon]

Hi all. This is more of a waffling and musing type of post I guess.

I feel at a bit of a cross roads in my relationship.
Background we have been together for 11 years. 2 gorgeous DD's. Things have not always been easy. Outside factors that have had big impact on us, illnesses, death, depression etc. Also DP's behaviour have not always been the best. Very selfish. Putting himself and his stuff before the family and our relationship. We have had a couple of big crises but have come back from it. The last one was worst. DP slept on the sofa for 8 months (his choice) as he 'needed space'. At the time I was so distraught over it all and the possibility of loosing him that I did not realise he was depressed. I thought it was all us and the relationship and in all honesty that was what he was saying to me and projecting on to me too. We came back from it. Went to therapy for six months. He started to acknowledge how his behaviour had been destructive to the relationship and just made it worse.

There has never been any abuse of me or DD's or OW's (as far as I know).
Anyway fast forward to now. Our relationship is okay and better in many aspects. The selfishness is not there anymore and we never fight like we used to do. However, if I take away everything else, the DD's etc and just look at him and I as a couple....I don't know if we are. I feel that there is SO much missing and still so many taboos and walls We have sex, but from his side there is no natural affection, cuddles or hand-holding when we are out (there was pre the last crisis). Extremely rarely compliments of me or appreciation of me (yes thank you's for dinners, acknowledgement of me as a mum). The words I love you has not been uttered since pre crisis. We had a bit of a conversation a few weeks ago (he was drunk) and I asked him outright 'do you love me'. His answer 'I am sure you don't love me every day either'........... I have not tried to talk to him about it again. But will.
In many aspects it is like a companionship and I guess for many that would be okay but I feel that I need more.....I am alive but it feels like he does not see me. I ask myself am I expecting too much after 11 years or am I settling

No you are not asking too much.

You sound lonely and underappreciated and unloved, nobody should be any of those things when in a happy,healthy relationship.

You're not expecting too much and you are definitely settling. It should not be expecting too much to want your partner to say that they love you. From the sound of it, your relationship is devoid of any true intimacy or connection. You might as well just be roommates.

What do you get out of this relationship now, what emotional needs of your own does he meet here?

I can see why he has stayed; he has you to look after him. That's all he wants really but you rightly want more.

Would you want your DDs to have a relationship like yours is; I would think not. What are they learning about relationships here from you two?. Do not therefore continue to do your bit here to show them that this is still acceptable to you. What do you want to teach them about relationships; do you want to teach them that a loveless relationship is their norm too?. That is what is being shown to them currently.

If you met him right now, would you choose to be with him?

If the answer is no, then you are staying because of what you have already invested in the relationship, not because the relationship itself is worth it.

May be useful to consider the while picture, especially given the issues you've both faced
Do you appreciate the things he does?
Do you show him affection?
Do you tell him you love him?

If not perhaps you've both found yourselves in a rut and it's feeding back off each other.

Do you love him?

Thanks all. A lot of the stuff you have all said is really worth thinking of.

Sassy & Aquamarine. Yes I am lonely. And yes we are like room mates. Connection??? No.

Attila what you say about what emotiona needs of mine are met...? Well that would be none. Also the part of what example I am setting to my DD's. That's something that I have thought about often. Even said to DP. Whether he would want the girls to think it's okay to be 'like this' in a relationship.

Talking ... such a good question. No. I wouldn't. There is none of the warmth, care and affection there was when we met. And what you said about staying because of what I have invested. It's scary how much I relate to that.

Scruffy, I do tell him I appreciate stuff he does. I compliment him. I am attentive.

Ho hum.

This is all really rather pants.

No you are definitely not expecting too much, a relationship should enhance your life, add to it, be a bonus, make you happy, make you feel loved; without that, what have you got; I am sorry but he sounds completely detached and unless he was willing to work at the fact he's as cold as stone, I think I'd seriously be thinking of moving on, you don't sound old and you don't want to waste any more time on something that is never going to work.

Adora I am 43... so not all that old although I feel completely haggard

He detached years ago, but post 'the crisis' and the therapy was supposedly trying but it doesn't feel like it.

The relationship certainly doesn't add anything emotional for me as it is. More heart ache than anything

No, you're not asking too much and I think it's quite common to realise that it's not enough when you're getting along better, because you realise that even when you're not fighting it's still not worth it. When you're fighting you think oh we just need to stop fighting! But maybe the fights are coming from subconscious places, both secretly saying ''why isn't this enough!?'

ScandiCinnamon ALain Robarge has a very good clip called betraying yourself (I think). Colluding in your own betrayal. Something like that. And he explains very well how you feel constantly lonely when you're living under the same roof as somebody who has detached, because that proximity hardwires you for connection but the connection isn't there.

When you're single you feel loneliness sometimes but you're not in that constant state of expecting connection so it's easier to be alone.

Being truly alone with another person right there is awful and I never felt so lonely I know that.

Once again thanks all who have posted.

I couldn’t get back into mumsnet until now —horror of horrors—

Tameagobairanois I will watch that tomorrow when there are no ears eavesdropping.

What you say about realising that it’s not enough when one is getting along better.

I like that expression ‘colluding in your own betrail’.