Please, Please I need your opinion

[WWYD2016]

For 20 years DH and I have been on a hamster wheel of good times/bad times. Unfortunately the cycle is slowing and the bad times are almost back to back.
I don't love him as a 'husband' anymore.
I must decide marriage counciling or separation.
There was a time when I believed councilling would've made a difference.
We have 3 DC the oldest is Y10 so first year of GCSE.
This is my dilemma;
Do we split now to give my DD time to heal and focus on her studies or do we have counciling and risk splitting up when she's in Y11 about to take her exams?
I want to minimise the hurt to my children.

In my opinion and from personal observation of people I know, counselling is only effective in healing the relationship and worth the investment if both parties truly want the marriage to work. Would you want to save your marriage? How does your husband feel?

Therein lies the problem, I don't think I want to continue the marriage because the bad times hurt so much. I think it's too late for counselling.

...I don't know how DH feels, I'm too tired to ask. The ultimatum is his.

I'd split now rather then later if things are that bad

Is it the cycle of abuse?
So he's just horrible all the time?
Or are bad times just that... bad times, i.e. money worries, both stressed with work etc..
I have a feeling from you post he is abusive.
And if he is then absolutely NO to counselling.
Never have counselling with an abuser.
And if it is abusive end it sooner.
Your daughter will probably thank you for it and really blossom in the latter years of school.

Now.

As someone who grew up in a house with fighting parents, even though it wasn't in front of us, I was relieved when they split. Upset of course, but still relieved. It's also not a good example of a relationship for your daughter to learn from. Aside from that, it's really not good for YOU to stay with him if you aren't happy.

I've recently made this decision. I held off for 2 years thinking I could fix it for my DC but instead I've got an 11 yo who was scared of his own shadow and a 9 yo with a wicked temper. I asked for a divorce and left the family home. 8 weeks later both DC are completely different. The household is much calmer in general because none of us are walking on eggshells.

If you really think counselling wouldn't work, it's time to end it. Your DC will bed upset no matter how or when you do it and will be much more resilient than you realise.

Just do it now. There will always be something to wait for otherwise.

Now. Your children will know things aren't great and honestly won't thank you later for dragging it all out "for their sake".

If you've made up your mind, and it sounds as though you have, then no point going on. Best get it over with so everyone can pick up the pieces sooner rather than later.

Your children will adapt - probably better than you think - and may even be relieved not to have to suffer the "bad times" any longer.

Whenever you decide to make the break, as long as you and your H put your children's needs above your own they will get through it fine. Of course it's hard, but plenty of DCs manage with separated parents regardless of what age it happens.

Obviously you don't want to disrupt your dcs education, so if you can stay in the same house, keep them at the same schools and the only difference is that their dad (or you) lives elsewhere and they visit once a week, it won't be a massive physical disruption.

As for the emotional side of it, they're not daft, I'm sure they see that there's not a lot of love between you and that you'll have more energy and happiness to support them if you're not wasting it on a shitty marriage.

Personally I'd say you've wasted enough time already in a miserable marriage, so bite the bullet and get on with your new life. You deserve more than this.