meeting dh's ex lovers' dh!!

[geordiegirl]

In a nutshell, dh had an affair.
pain, agony, counselling.....we are getting over it, moving on.
Affair definately over.
Contact did not stop between dh and ex lover as her dh and she couldn't move on and she kept turning to my dh for support.
I met her, talked,made her know how me and dh felt about each other and how he made a mistake and we are dealing with it.
6 mths on it won't go away. Contact has stopped by dh to her but every time she and her dh have a serious fall out she comes running to my dh. he tells me all now - trying to do the right thing.
I met her family (parents)lovely , good people who are desperately worried for her marriage but her and her dh won't seek counselling, won't talk to others about it. He is now paranoid that she is still seeing my dh (definately not).
What do I do to make this go away? I've arranged to meet her dh (mine knows)I need him to know how strong me and my dh are and how he is wrong. The issue now is not about the affair but about their inability to trust and be honest with each other.
Help??? how do I make them get out of our lives?

Golly GG what a saga, in a nutshell my dear I think it is down to your dh to call a halt to it for both of your sakes, you have moved on, this is positive, with constant revisitation you will gradually be undermined
Hard to see it though as you would get so caught up in everything
xx hugs xx

Bloody hell, geordiegirl, what a nightmare for you. But I think you've got it in a nutshell when you say the issue is about their lack of trust and honesty with each other. Don't want to sound rude, but what does that have to do with your dh and you? Shoudn't you just be cutting contact completely? Surely if the affair is definitely over then you and dh shouldn't be having anything to do with her, and you certainly shoudn't need to be reassuring her husband of anything, should you? And not to badmouth your dh but it should be you he's trying to do the right thing by, not her, shouldn't it? Shouldn't your dh be telling her not to contact him?

Sorry if I've got the wrong end of the stick but I just don't see why you're having to have any contact with her or her dh at all.

Yes, I agree. Trying to be civilised, trying to deal with this in a compassionate way- we all make mistakes in life. The trouble is it's like living in a soap opera, I feel like I'm waiting for the next episode every day and I've done nothing wrong in all this. Can't tell you how many times she's promised "not to contact you again...goodbye" yet she keeps coming back. we changed phones etc she tracked down his new number...the latest contact was to warn my dh that her dh was so convinced they were still seeing each other agin he was coming to "fill him in......baseball bat etc"

Its time to get tough!! - Tell her that if she calls again you are going to go to the police/a solicitor and have her done for stalking you and DH/ get an injunction - get a doctors note and inform the police/said solicitor that this is causing untold amounts of stress.

You have been nothing but charitable to someone who I bet you would loved to have slapped in the face and this is no longer your or DHs problem.

Good Luck XXX

I would just cut all contact with the pair if them. It sounds like they are gaining some sort of weird pleasure by having you still involved with them. Get their numbers barred, or change yours, and have nothing more to do with them. Let them sort their own mess out.

This sounds horrendous...can only agree with the others here. Time to get tough - you have done understanding etc. This isn't your problem anymore. Tell her in no uncertain terms to butt out of your life. This isn't fair on you or yours as it makes moving on harder.....

Agree with the others - you need to concentrate on your marriage, not theirs. Cut all contact and enforce it legally if need be. I wouldn't meet the other dh as it just prolongs the agony for everyone rather than sorts it out.

I think it's a fantastic sign of your strength and your mending relationship that you are trying to be so helpful - civilised - about all this. But the others are right - if you and your DH continue to supply a safety net, she will continue to jump into it.
Your DH is the LAST person who can help her through this - and it is insidious and backsliding that she continues to seek his support. You have come too far to jeopardise your own position, and it is not your responsibility to help her. Enough is Enough.

Good luck

Thanks everyone.

GEordie, I'm astounded at your high level of civilisation but wouldn't it be slightly like Stckholm syndrom? you taking steps to defend an agressor, you are not her mother she should fend for herself and your Dh should stop the rescue as well, is sad what she is going through but it's her problem. How is it you are taking steps to sort the marriage of your DH's exlover?

I don't think they deserve so much kindness from yourself