I feel like I'm drowning

[MrsGideon]

DP is very depressed and anxious and he's been leaning on me for the past 6 months for multiple different reasons. I can't cope anymore, I'm not the most mentally healthy person myself and I don't know how to support him. I'm trying so hard but he just always tells me and himself that he's worthless and pathetic and he has no prospects. He is preparing to quit his current job for reasons I won't go into now but basically due to lack of support and feeling like he's not valued. And he's terrified that he'll end up unemployed but he seems to refuse to do anything about it. Every time I try and help by pepping him up or putting a plan in place or whatever, he just tells me there's no point because he'll never amount to anything anyway.

And I feel so guilty because on the surface of it he's amazing and always doing things for me and he loves me so much, but he doesn't understand how much stress he puts me under and I can't tell him because he'll just use it as another rod to beat himself with

I really don't know what to do because I feel like I'm drowning and I'm going to burn out but I don't want to be without him

I don't know what I'm hoping to get out of this but I just needed to say it to someone

It sounds to me like you desperately need outside help here. You can't keep taking this on yourself, it isn't fair, or productive. Has he sought professional help, since it seems like classical depression? Obvious first port of call, for both of you, is the GP?
You sound lovely and supportive, by the way!

Yes he's had 6 sessions with a therapist but he told me he wasn't completely open with him which meant it obviously didn't work as well as it should have. I've talked to him about it and he agrees that if he goes back he'd have to take a different approach, but it's looking like he won't be able to go back to the same guy for the next 3 months because of some bullshit rule about it being through work

I know I also need support for myself but after having a couple of therapy sessions before I'm absolutely terrified of it. I know it's something I have to get past though

Sorry, no helpful suggestions but did not want to read and run. It sounds really tough!

Thank you. I just don't know what to say to him anymore

You do need help. He has an illness and you are not a doctor. You can advise him to get help - he really should see his GP - bit you can't force him. You need to look after yourself. Detach with love. Try not to find his statements upsetting and stop trying to buoy him up. He is an adult and he has to take responsibility for himself. Don't spend hours trying to persuade him how great he is. It's like your Mum thinking you're the best kid in school, when you know she just thinks that because she's your Mum.

Would you be financially ok with him being unemployed? Can he sign off sick? He does sound like he is in a very bad place. I do have great sympathy for him as I have been in that very dark place myself, but my DP and BF got me to the doctor when it got really bad, which was a step in the right direction. At the same time, he can't not get help and you are not responsible for him. You need support yourself as the partner of someone with a chronic illness.

Ok. I'm going to give some suggestions here. I might be on a different page altogether. I do not know all your circumstances, but i feel I was in a slightly similar place some time ago and I got better. I did not want some shrink to tell me that it was all down to childhood trauma. ( Nothing wrong with the right professional help, I might add, it's just I thought as a man does) That's the point about this, it's not recovering, but getting better. Better person, better health, better partner. I read many books, now I don't know if he reads or is interested in reading. Don't be put off by the titles but one is by Dr Glover and it's called ' no more Mr nice guy'. It's about taking charge of your life and getting what you want out of it. The other is ' the Mindful attraction plan' by Athol Kay. How small things, like dressing better, smelling good can improve your self image and confidence. Getting fit is a great way to fight depression. I used the Dukan diet and lost 15kg over about six months. That's got to make you feel better. There are lots of resources on the web, some helpful, some wanting your money. If he wants to get better, he can take small steps forward, but he also must want to do it. I also read ' Men are from Mars, women from Venus'. This gave some insight into my relationship and what was required or desired. There are lots of so called guru types out there, but using other points of view can be very helpful. I hope things get better. Good luck.

Thanks for the replies. He has been to the doctor and been to therapy but I think he needs to go again, you're right. We don't live together at the moment, so I wouldn't be able to support him if he was unemployed but even if we did, he has this idea that he needs to financially support me and that it would be pathetic if he couldn't do that. I feel like I'm having to dissuade him of some pretty fundamental beliefs... in fact I wouldn't even call them beliefs because deep down he knows they're ridiculous, but he still puts enormous amounts of pressure on himself. Meanwhile, he doesn't realise that he's also putting pressure on me.

I've just phoned our employee assistance line and they've set up a call back from a counsellor within the next 2 hours. I'm absolutely terrified

Don't be terrified, it's just the help you need. Even if you cry for 30 mins, it was they are used to and are there to help you!

I agree with everyone that you need to get support for yourself regardless of what he does, as you are feeling wobbly and going to end up with health issues yourself if you are not careful- definitely get help through work or face to face therapy if you can afford it.

You can then start to think through how best you can support him as at the moment, even with you endlessly listening, it's not working is it, plus it's almost like a form of emotional blackmail as you can't then have your own emotions or in any way ever ask anything of him as he goes into victim mode. He needs professional sustained help, anti-d's as well as intensive therapy. Keep living separately til he gets it as well.

I just want to say this: if you need to end the relationship, for your own health, it's ok to do that. It really is. I know you love him and you don't want to do that. I just want to say that you CAN do that, it doesn't make you a terrible person.

I've been in the situation with a depressed and very troubled bf where it reached the point where my choices were cut myself free, or drown with him. I cut and jumped and I'd do it again. Mental illness is very very hard, but the person experiencing it has to take responsibility for their own treatment and make sure that they do the work of getting it. You can't save anybody else. Put on your own oxygen mask first and all that.

I'm glad you're getting a session for yourself. Take care of YOURSELF - it's the best thing you can do for both of you right now.