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Original poster

DH with incredibly low sex drive.

12 replies

Wherezitgone · 14/07/2004 19:54

Can anyone out there tell me if this is normal.

dh and I hardly sleep together and when we do it's because I instigated it. He doesn't seem to have any sex drive at all and it bothers me. If I didn't know him better I would say he was having an affair...... I am not even convinced he masturbates and I thought ALL men (and most women) did that! I have broached the subject and he always says that most couples are like this after a few kids. He says people always say they are having more sex than they actually are.

We sleep together about once every 2-3 months!! When we do, there is no denying that it is lovely (loving, warm and satisfying as opposed to fiery and 'all over the place' but I am starting to feel 'neglected' and not wanted and have even started noticing other men. I adore my husband, but can't believe that his interest in sex is non-existent. If I get all dressed up etc. I have to point it out to him, in case he doesn't notice

Is this a normal sex drive for a man? If I had my way (and he instigated it) I would be at it loads more.

OP posts:
Chinchilla · 14/07/2004 21:21

Yup, mine too. No advice, but sorry you are in this position (or not!)

MeanBean · 15/07/2004 12:02

I think it can be normal, but if you're not happy with it, you can change it. When I had a DP, we went through a similar stage. We actually decided to change it, and began to make a conscious effort to have sex more often. It gets to be a habit. Doesn't sound very romantic, but it does work - we went from having sex once a quarter to most days. You just need to be brave enough to change it. And I can recommend Hot Sex by Tracey Cox.

Fio2 · 15/07/2004 12:08

I think it can be normal. i have been moaning at my husband because his sex drive seems to have plummeted after a pregnancy scare a few months ago but we still make lkove about 2 or 3 times a week. I am not suprised you are frustrated with once every 2-3 months! Personally i wouldnt assume its an affair, maybe it has just become a habit. Is he tired or stressed from work and just doesnt feel like it? Either way I think you need to really talk about it with one another.

I dont think all people masturbate either, although it is completely normal either way!

angelpoppet · 15/07/2004 12:11

I have exactly the same problem - only trouble is I have quite a high sex drive so I get quote, well ummmmm frustrated!!!!

A conversation came up with friends the other day about watching porn - something I would give a try - I'll try anything.

Anyway, got home the other day and went to put a video on for my dd and found a porn filmin the VCR - I am convinced however that my dh has been stashing it away for some time

Jaxmum · 15/07/2004 12:15

I'm the problem, not my DH. 2 or 3 times a week? Where do you get the energy? Its been twice in 6 months for me

Easy · 15/07/2004 12:16

Can I just ask.... has his sex drive declined greatly from what you are used to?

If so it could be due to stress (changed job/new boss/more responsibility?), or it could be due to a drop in his testosterone levels. You can ask the gp to check them, and he can get testosterone patches if necessary

reallyembarrassedbut · 15/07/2004 19:53

I'm possibly going to get in trouble for this, but I've sort of done some homework on libido, and it seems "normal" for a woman to have a lower one, and "normal" for a man to have a higher one, and there is a Testosterone issue for a fact. I mention it, because I feel so guilty about having a higher drive than my DW. (Though in fact there are relationship problems too, and I'm not sure which way round the link between the two is)

Chinchilla · 15/07/2004 20:18

I have always had a higher libido than dh, so that may be correct in theory, but not always in practice REB.

lou33 · 15/07/2004 20:20

I have the higher libido here too.

lemonade · 15/07/2004 21:08

Wherezitgone - Yes, I've had the same problem. When I stopped instigating it then it didn't happen......for months and months. I know that my dh works really hard and I do make allowances for that. I know that he wouldn't have an affair. Sorry, I have no answers for you. At least I can say that you're not alone. I agree with MeanBean that you can make a conscious effort to do it more regularly and that's what we're trying to do now. Good luck.

Chinchilla · 15/07/2004 21:11

I too have stopped trying to instigate it. It is now at least 3 months, more like 4 He doesn't fancy me when I am overweight. However, I am amazed that he doesn't want it, because it must be better than a w*nk, mustn't it? I am always raring for it around ovulation time, but my ADs are suppressing the drive at all other times at the moment.

reallyembarrassedbut · 15/07/2004 22:55

Chinchilla, I was always taught to avoid hypothetical situations, so take my opinions with a bit of salt, but after a certain amount of rejection, we men get fragile, and we give up.

My DW is, in her opinion, overweight, and I'd do anything to get her into bed, but I've given up, because it hurts to fail - does that make sense? I may have been drinking again

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