Hi everyone
I have a pretty horrendous moral conflict going on and I dont know what the bloody hell to do it anything. It is so confusing after trying to 'deal' with it for so long and it coming up to bite you in the backside and bringing to the forefront how open and vulnerable not speaking out has left other people.
The guilt that I feel is consuming.....what ir he has done the same to someone else?.
My parents were very young when i was born. Both sets of parents very religious and did not believe in bringing a child into a relationship where the parents were not married..... as a result my father and mother married when she was 4 months pregnant with me.
There were no further siblings and from what I have been told my father was physically abusive with my mother. Apparently when I was a baby he beat her and my grandfather up then fled to Germany or the Netherlands..
I was only approx a year or so old at this time. Approximately 9 years later he was remarried and returned to the UK. He pleaded with my mother to allow accces and she did. I had weekend contact with him and his wife for a while.
A while later his (dutch) wife left him and returned to the Netherlands but contact continued with him alone.
It was shortly after this he initially took me back to the home (not unusual).and asked me if I wanted to watch a film. I sat down on the sofa with him as a soft porn film started and he started to touch me. I was 12 at that point.
I had only just started my periods, had only just started learning about sex education in school and was very young and niave. He took my virginity that day and continued many times after that. I was.frightened out of my mind and I was too scared to tell anyone.
I told a friend when I was 15 just because I needed to offload and when I got the courage to tell my father to do one when I was 16 and i told my new/first bf before I could face having sex with him when I was 17.
At the point the bastard was abusing me it was the 80s and the adverts etc about aids/Hiv were alllll over the tv and everywhere.
My father made no secret of the fact that he was sleeping with everything that moved at the time and i got so paranoid that he had given me a std or aids.
So I went for tests with my then amazing bf as support. I lied to the doctors at the clinic that an ex had cheated and I was worried.
Those days you had to wait a week for the results of aids tests and it was hideous.
Those days that was a guaranteed death sentence because there was no treatment to deal with it.
After the results came back clear I was 30s relieved and glad to put it all behind me. I was having a hell of a hard time trying to reconcile what had happened in my own mind, deal.with it and try and get my head together somehow without thinking of the consequences or of other people..
Through the years I have dealt with it by or thinking about it and with counselling which has helped me a lot..... I haven't wanted to know where he was or what he is doing etc. A few years ago I learned from someone that he was working in Gemany again.
However a few months ago I was casually looking at a video of a school acquaintance on Facebook. It was her wedding video and as she walked up the aisle the video shows the guests in the background.
It was clear that it was my father with the bride's mother on his arm.
I felt so sick I don't know how i didn't throw up. I was so shocked.
I have since sent the bride a fb message saying that he is dangerous and evil. My worry is that the bride has a teenage daughter from a previous relationship and she has many siblings who also have children some little one's..
In my message I spelled out what he is like and told her that under no circumstancesis he to be left alone with any of the children.
She stated that she knows what he is like and she hates him. She has tried several times to get through to her mother who herself has been a victim of his violence but refused to do anything. The aquantance is scared for her and doesn't know what to do. Apparently she has been told what the evil bastard is capable of but refuses to leave him or to kick him out or press charges etc.
It is a realdifficult situation because it is almost 30 years since he did what he did to me.. I do not want to 're live what happened as i dont remember a lot and i dont want to go through it. Plus I am not emotionally strong enough to do it. On the other hand though I can not get out of my head what he could be doing to the lady who I have mentioned kids and her nieces and any other children.....and what other children he has had access to in the last 30 years or so.. as far as I know he didn't have any other children after me.
Any help or constructive advice would be good. I am not sure that I am strong enough to go thru the police and cps questioning me and saying that I am lying or something.
Forgot to add that my parents were 16/17 when they married and had me.. they split when I was just over a year old i think.
He always told me the usual that I must not tell anyone about our special relationship, that my mother would hate.him even more than she already does and would ensure that there would be trouble and it would be my fault..