friendships and social lives, do you have them and how does your dh/dp react to them?

[wuzzlefraggle]

hi ladies, i strongly debated changing my name for this but in the end decided not to as i shouldnt be ashamed, i should just work to fix the problem. im a regular poster btw

ive been with my dh now for almost 4 years. we have a beautiful dd of 5 months and i love them both dearly. just to fill you in on the background detils.

right, from when i met dh, we pretty much were just wrapped up in eachother (as a lot of people are in early relationships) and our friends, just ended up fading completely away. he had his friends, i had mine but (im not blaming this all on dh by any means) he liked it just being me and him and as a lot of my friends were male or liked me to go boozing with them, he didnt like me even talking to them. i realise now that i should have put my foot down and kept in touch with them anyway. (granted, there were 1 or 2 of his friends that i didnt like either, but i never told him that he couldnt see his friends, ever)

Ive always been a very social person, i loved having my friends and going out with them, and im now sad to say that i practically have none. the only people (not inc MN lol) i get to talk to and see are my family (which isnt very big at all) and im only 21, i feel like it should be different.

i was wondering if there was anyone else out there with this problem, or had this problem and how it was sorted out. I love my dh and wouldnt want to leave him, but i dont think he understands where im coming from as he has friends in work and im beginning to feel very very alone

I would really appreciate any advice that could be given on how to approach the subject and deal with it as i just done know what to do.

sorry that this is so long, and thank you all in advance

wuzz - don't feel stupid.

I for one have been there and it is so easy to get sucked into an abusive relationship, it is one thing at a time, gradually and slowly. You are not a fool.

Take a step back, read this thread from the beginning and pretend it is not you. What would your advice be? What do you think that this person should do?

Squonk's right - you mustn't feel stupid. You're not - it's very hard to object to somebody doing things that are supposedly for your benefit.

yes he has family, his dad (who i wont go into for dh's own benefit) is a dreadful person and i still let him come here and ive never told dh that he couldnt see them, its not my place too. he see's his family when he wants to and im very polite to them. he has a sister and a nan too, unfortunatly his mum passed away about 7 years ago.

i even feel guilty for starting the thread now. a few txts have been exchanged and he says he didnt realise i was lonely, please dont leave him etc but so far still thinks that i shouldnt see my sister/mum

squonk, id have advised the poster to put their foot down about the matter.

cat, im going to have to tell him, that he's got to listen and accept things otherwise, theres no point. i cant stay in an unhappy relationship. i love him and i'd hate for anything like that to happen. so i think he has to listen really. i honestly dont think he realises how dominant he's behaving

id just like to thank everyone again for being so understanding and supportive. its been brilliant to get this off my chest finally

I think it sounds like he truly loves you. Perhaps giving him the benefit of the doubt you could think he doesn't realise that his behaviour is actually so controlling?

Just take some small steps. Get out and about, meet some other mums etc. You sound very reasonable so just keep in your mind that if everything you're doing is reasonable then he should have no problems with it. Be strong. You can have a social life and a few friends without that having a negative impact on your marriage surely?

He should really let you make your own decisions about your family too. Of course listen to his advice and suggestions. But please make your own mind up. Life's too short not to see those we love. Everyone has bad qualities and everyone makes mistakes. They're still your family. Please remember that.

wuzzle fraggle good luck

So glad that he is listening to you. Have a big, long talk tonight and see what you can get resolved.

Like cat64 says, he probably doesn't realise that he's doing anything wrong.

Really hope you get things resolved. Keep us posted

Keep posting, sweetheart - and good luck for tonight. If you need help to find some places to go locally, just ask on here.

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Hon, something very very true is that abusers start slowly. Your man may just be a bit immature and insecure, so you have to be calm and brave and strong and stick up for your right to have friends and have contact with your family. He might very well be amenable to this, and accept your right to have contact with people other than him as long as you reassure him that you love him: if so, fine. It's possibly going to feel like a bit of a burden in time that you always have to deal with his neuroses, but if he has enough good qualities to make it feel worth your while, then go ahead and stick with him.. BUT!!! If a calm reasonable approach doesn't work, and he's still trying to stop you having any contact with other people, then you need to plot an exit strategy from this relationship. Because it's going to get worse. A lot worse.

hi everyone. i just wanted to let you all know how it went last night.

dh came home from work early because he was worried that i'd leave. he said that he didnt realise i was so lonely because he likes only having my company and going out with just me. i explained to him that i love his company too (wouldnt have married him otherwise) but that just because i'd like to socialise with other mums didnt mean i'd love him any less or that i didnt value his company etc. the talk was very calm and he didnt realise that he was making me feel so isolated and sad. i told him that i'd like to go to mum and toddler groups etc and he's said thats fine and that he was sorry for making me so upset and lonely.

right, with that sorted, on to my mother and sister. I told him that ultimately i needed to make the decision about this. he didnt really like it, but he said that if its was what i needed to do, then it was what i needed to do. After a long think and a chat with my dad ( i love my dad to bits, they divorced years ago) I decided that even though i love my mum, i dont want to see her because what she did to me as a child i really cant forgive her for ( luckily i had my dad there, which saved my childhood from being utter shite).

as for my sister, the thing she did which was bad was that she broke into my nans flat and i had to think that if she could do it to her, then she could do it to me, and im not going to let anything like that happen to my dd, so Im going to give her a few years to grow up and then have another think about it.

evening ended with him cooking for me, having DD while i had a bath and did a face mask lol and all seems well. Im going to keep my eyes open to make sure that this doesnt happen again though.

id like to thank everyone (hunker, squonk, madamez, cat, MLS, dior, wannabe.... i think thats u all lol) for being so helpful and supportive. it really did help me put my brain in gear and sort things out thank you x

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thanks dior. yeah im keeping my eyes wide open from now on. if an objection occures, i will be meeting it with (clears throat) tough shit matey

great news

really glad he listened and you seem to be a lot more positive

don't forget all of this and come back and read this if you need to remind yourself why you're definitely going to make a few positive changes

really pleased for you

Glad to hear it went well and best of luck.

You brilliant thing - well done! Sounds very positive