I have realised I'm a sulker and I don't like it :-(

[Dancergirl]

Just read the thread about the woman who was arguing with her dh over the washing up and it made me think.

I've been married to dh for 19 years, generally very happy with the odd argument that most couples have.

But I've come to realise I can be hard work sometimes, if I get upset with dh or a particular issue, I find it hard to talk about and tend to sulk. This really pisses dh off, he says I ignore him when I'm like this and he has to drag it out of me :-(

I don't know why I get like this. I think it's a combination of being too upset to talk and sometimes feeling like dh doesn't properly listen to me so why should I bother? I hate losing the closeness when I'm like this and always feel so much better when we've talked it through. So God only knows why I punish him (and myself) by sulking.

I've tried to be very honest in this post. Any tips for how to improve things?

Not sure but im following as im also a sulker and I hate it. I go silent as I get so upset and I find it hard to verbalise why im so upset. After a while I feel im more able to talk without being upset but my OH hates it and I hate how it takes me so long to come round too.

Fellow sulker here. So also place marking. I'm not sure sulking is entirely an appropriate word though. When I'm hurt it really burns and I need to retreat. Other people shout, or throw things, or make terse replies that escalate. I just go silent until the pain dies down and I can talk again. I'm also shit at defending or describing my feelings in the moment. Crap at confrontation generally really. Don't know what the solution is.

There's withdrawing because you're too upset and emotionally raw to engage, and then there's sulking which is where you punish the other person by withdrawing all contact etc. The former is understandable and, at times, acceptable (although may require the other person to have some understanding and be willing) the latter is just annoying.

I can cope with someone telling me they need some time out. What I won't stand for is someone refusing to engage with me on anything for hours or days on end, often causing the smallest thing to be an issue.

I often read on here about women whose dh is sulking and the result is he also refuses to do any of the usual chores or childcare tasks, will make tea/dinner/other meals for himself but not the other one and/or simply leave the house with the non-sulker left to get on with everything else. that's not okay.

If you think you're a sulker and want to change, I'd suggest 1) ask your partner to accept that you may need time after an argument before you can talk rationally 2) commit (in the same conversation) to not opting out and agree that while you won't be able to talk about the argument or anything meaningful, you will nonetheless continue to act as a partnership and maintain your share of responsibilities and household/child care and 3) Think long and hard about when you're taking your "time out" you're really just waiting for the other person to beg for your forgiveness.

I think that if you verbalise what you're doing, it stops being sulking IYSWIM? So instead of just walking off in silence, saying "I'm hurt - I need some time alone" or whatever. The manipulation involved in sulkiness is about forcing the other person to try to guess what is wrong/what they should do to make it better. There's nothing wrong with saying you need space and taking it.

I do too. I'm useless at confrontation. I never had healthy confrontation modelled to me growing up.

I'm working on it.

Can you say "I'm feeling upset right now and when I've calmed down, we can talk about it later?"

My dh is a sulker and he's got it from his mother. He ends up sulking and I can't talk to him until he's calmed down. This leaves me in a position where I haven't been able to articulate my feelings when I needed to and then he carries on as if everything is normal without ever really sharing his problem. Drives me mad.

I'd rather he said "I'm feeling x but let's pick this up later".

what i suggest is that when you are in a situation where you would normally sulk, say ok i feel overwhelmed right now. i need some time to think and then we can talk about it.

I would try this too. I think that for some people it comes from an attempt to control a situation where they are powerless and their thoughts and feelings are not taken seriously and shut down.

Some people get shouty and controlling

If you have someone who is happy to do this with you, you can learn to have a reasoned discussion when things are not right, which is a much better way to go - much more rewarding

anec usually hours, or a day at the most. Dh works long hours so sometimes it's more drawn out as I have to wait for him to come home to sort it out properly.

Dh is a good bloke, I am lucky to have him, I probably hassle him sometimes. We've had an issue recently about how to spend weekend time, I like to go out and do stuff, he likes to relax after a long week at work (although if I suggest something he's usually happy to come). I got sulky because I thought he wasn't listening to me. But maybe I wasn't listening to HIM. Writing this down makes me sound like a rubbish wife

I do this too, I don't know why. It tends to make a silly argument drawn out and 100 times worse than it should be.

Fellow sulker and unable to deal with confrontation here.
I used to say I need time to think and leave an argument- but my DH started to feel frustrated as I wouldn't then deal with the issue, as a none confrontational person I don't like to deal with issues. Catch 22!
I try to now set a limit on how long I think for and fully verbalise my thoughts - not easy! As it is unfair to sit and sulk when all he wants to do is make things right for everyone.
If you find a solution please let me know!!

Perhaps reframe the situation? Is there any need for confrontation?

There is having space to think things through which is fine if you say that's what you need. Then there is passive aggression. Not ok. Generally sulking and silence to force the outcome you want.

It's really tough when you don't feel listened to. So OP, do you think that if you were open and honest with your partner, he would accept it? If you said, "I need time", would he give you a hard time about it?

I'm the opposite. Confrontational. Equally shitty and probably more damaging.
I'm working on it.

WorkBling has good suggestions. You could also think about getting some one-to-one about how to go about this. Often easier when you've got a sounding-board.

deadgood the ironic thing is, if I'm honest, dh is actually pretty good at listening. He doesn't always understand every thought process of mine but he does try. If I talk to him in a calm manner, he does listen. He just can't stand me sulking.

My husband used to do this. It would take him ages to come out of it, he'd go in a proper huff and I'd need to pull him out of it.

After a good while I realised it wasn't the way to handle it, or maybe I lost patience, I dunno. I started saying " fuck you", getting on with my life, and I'd totally and utterly ignore him.

It's surprising how quickly he started snapping out of it when he knew he wasn't going to get any attention and was worried I'd just end it.

Now he does it, and guaranteed within the hour max he's back on the room saying I'm sorry. Usually it's a few mins and he will talk it through. His days of sulking ended when he came to the realisation I genuinely didn't give a shit and wasn't going to be manipulated by him.

We've been together 28 years, so it's a good relationship, but this behaviour I'm not interested in tolerating at all. I won't be manipulated.

I don't know if you do it for the attention, but if you do, maybe he too will lose patience with it one day. If you do it because you are so devastated you can't get past it, then I'd hope the instances were few and far between. If they are not, then I'm sorry, I suspect it's manipulative attention seeking.😔

My ex was a sulker - even to the extent of storming out and refusing to answer texts/calls. If he was at home, he would shut himself in the bedroom, or plug himself into his laptop or Xbox and ignore any attempt at conversation. I hated it.

I did the same as @Bluntness100. I ignored it. I went out and did my own thing. If he didn't want to come into town, I went anyway. I rang friends and went to the pub with them instead. I went and had a nice relaxing bath or whatever. He hated it and it was amazing how he suddenly managed to answer his phone or speak up when he realised he wasn't getting attention out of it.

I suppose you need to figure out why you sulk. Is it an attention thing? If you're upset or hurt, you get a hug or him fussing over you? Or are you genuinely struggling to process your thoughts/feelings?

I'm the same but it's never for attention. Far from it. Growing up I was never equipped or shown how to have an adult conversation when difficulties arose. All I learnt was that no one either had the time or desire to listen to me so it was best to just not bother and keep it all inside. I find it very hard to express myself and raise issues in interpersonal relationships. Look up 'Detached Protector' here en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schema_therapy for more info. It may ring some bells for you.