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Relationships

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Original poster

FWB stay over when kids are asleep

29 replies

Startingfreshi123 · 18/09/2017 10:31

I met a lovely guy on Tinder and we have agreed to have a casual relationship. However, with limited babysitting options, im struggling to work out where and when we meet. I'm really considering asking him to come to mine when my dc's are sleeping but i feel some kind of shame in that. Can't explain why. Has anyone ever done this?
It feels morally wrong but I really struggle to get childcare as my two dc's are young. Also, he lives 46 miles away. It will end up costing £90 for a babysitter and petrol, just to scratch my itch!. He is prepared to come to mine but id want him gone before sunrise.
After a 15 year relationship, and being single only 6 months, i don't know how I feel about a man coming round here.
Also worried about the youngest (12 months) waking up. Might be awkward if we're in the middle of something!

OP posts:

MrsOverTheRoad · 18/09/2017 10:35

I wouldn't. You don't know him from Adam! He could be a complete nutter.

coffeeX10 · 18/09/2017 10:38

Agree Mrs i wouldnt either. Plus my 12m old slept beautifully a full 12hr until a couple of months later and even now at 2 shes still waking in the night. Sounds like a really bad idea. Sorry.

Original poster

Startingfreshi123 · 18/09/2017 10:41

I forgot to add, I spent the night at his last week, so he's not a total stranger. I felt very comfortable with him.

OP posts:

Ipigglemustdie · 18/09/2017 10:42

Classy...

AFewTings · 18/09/2017 10:44

Your children could wake up. They could pass in the toilet in the night. They could come into your room and find naked man there. They would probably be quite shocked. Its really not good idea.

Smeaton · 18/09/2017 10:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheStoic · 18/09/2017 10:46

It's not about morals, or shame. It's about safety and common sense.

Do you really want someone who is essentially a stranger staying in your house with your children?

AFewTings · 18/09/2017 10:46

Stay at his if this has worked. IMO.

I really believe potential boyfriends should be kept away from the family home until you are really sure of them. This can take up to a year IMO! Not weeks or months. I think its horrible for children seeing men passing through their homes and mother's lives like this ... they don't like it.

KarateKitten · 18/09/2017 10:48

No, I just wouldn't be up for that at all. When you have children they do take priority and keeping their home safe and unconfusibg is very important. It's not just your house it's theirs. So personally I would only have someone stay over who was a long term relationship I had properly introduced and that was moving in. Sleeping with fuck buddies is for hotels or the other persons place if they don't have kids there.

coffeeX10 · 18/09/2017 10:51

You have still met him only once. Even if this was someone you could see yourself marrying, never mind the casual set up you want - he should not be in the same house as your baby/babies. You really really do not know enough about him.

Would you be happy if your ex was having the children and inviting whats essentially a stranger to the house they were in? I hope not.

SnowiestMountain · 18/09/2017 10:53

No OP, just no.

LaughingElliot · 18/09/2017 10:53

Should be ok?

coffeeX10 · 18/09/2017 10:57

You say hes happy to come to yours, have someone you know and trust babysit and book into a hotel instead.

Queenofthedrivensnow · 18/09/2017 10:58

So the risks are 1: he's a loon. And 2: your kids might walk in. 1 is enough!!

Movingon1611 · 18/09/2017 11:04

Yep def don't bring him into the house while the kids are there.
It seems like a simple solution but really there's so many things that could go wrong or end up causing serious distress to your dc- is it really worth it!?

category12 · 18/09/2017 11:04

He could be someone that targets single mothers. He could be a thief or a drunk or anything.

PerfectPenquins · 18/09/2017 11:05

You've only been single for 6 months after a long relationship. I personally wouldn't have anyone round the house you hardly know especially a tinder date.

Your kids will grow up fast there's plenty of time for relationships don't rush it. If you can't get childcare then I wouldn't risk him coming round it's your children's home.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/09/2017 11:08

You've met him once and you would allow him into your home with your children?!

Surely, your judgement can't be that poor.

RainyApril · 18/09/2017 13:10

Absolutely not ok at all, op. There are so many things that could go wrong. I can't believe he'd be happy with the arrangement either, sneaking in and out, being quiet so as not to wake the baby. I think it says something about who he is if he thinks this is ok. How is it costing £90 for babysitting and petrol, do you have a royal nanny and a car fuelled by gold?

Isetan · 18/09/2017 13:35

No, even if you wanted a reason with him I'd suggest you wait but considering it's a FWB set up, then hell no. Surely you can find a penis closer to home?

CoyoteCafe · 18/09/2017 13:43

@Startingfreshi123 You are not the only woman who has thought about it. I've heard about it from some of my DH's friends who are single. The context of the conversation was that one of them said he would no longer date women with children under 18 because of this sort of thing. He felt it was really wrong to be at a woman's house and around her children unless it was a long term relationship. Other men chimed in. One man said he went over to a woman's house when her kids were asleep, but later lost sleep about it thinking about his own children and his ex, and wondering if men were in and out of the house and what sort of men they are.

From the conversation, I suspect it's pretty common, but that women don't talk about it, and, just like on this thread, they shame each other when it comes up.

None the less, it isn't a good idea and you already know why.

It is really hard to date as a single mother. When are your children with your ex?

LonginesPrime · 18/09/2017 14:08

I don't think this is about shaming OP for wanting to do this - it's. about the safety and wellbeing of the children involved.

Aside from the obvious 'he could be anyone' argument, there's also the issue of the kids seeing him and possibly not understanding what's going on now, but of having vague memories of meeting a random man and putting the pieces together later on when they're older. Or in thinking this new person could be a potentially significant person in their lives when you have no intention of him becoming such.

Being a single parent sucks sometimes and this is one of those annoying times - you've put yourself back out there and are having fun with an adult for probably the first time in ages. It's not fair on you to not to have a sex life, but it's also not fair on your children to bring a FWB into their home and their lives.

The FWB and your children's safety and wellbeing are potentially in conflict here, and your children should come first.

Obviously, this opinion is on the basis that this a FWB and not a potentially serous relationship. I definitely wouldn't bring someone I'd just met a few times into my children's home either way, though.

Original poster

Startingfreshi123 · 18/09/2017 14:13

Thank you for putting it like that LongimesPrime and I agree it would be a terrible idea.

OP posts:

LonginesPrime · 18/09/2017 14:24

One thing you could do if he's up for it (and depending on his finances) is you pay for your babysitter and he pays for a hotel room near to you?

Hardheadedwoman39 · 18/09/2017 14:26

Hi @Startingfreshi123

I've totally been there and for all reasons stated it's not a great idea but also you'll enjoy it far more if you're not fretting!

If he's a good bloke he'll book a hotel

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