Are white lies ever ok in a relationship?

[ditzyglamour]

Not sure how I feel about my bf now. After being in numerous disastrous relationships I have finally found someone who I felt I could trust and who treated me with respect.

Yesterday he was sorting me out a chest of drawers to store my clothes as I stay at his place most weekends. The drawers were inside his wardrobe and full of old random bits. As he took stuff out, a photo of him and his ex fell out.

We laughed it off, and it didn't bother me as I could tell it had been there for ages. He put it to one side to throw it away. Then as he scooped out more paperwork, I could see valentines cards etc. He did everything in his power to conceal it and hide it amongst things. He then chucked it all in a bag ready to throw.

So, on our way out for him dropping me home, he took every bag of rubbish except this one. I said shall I carry it out but he said to leave it as he will fill it up before throwing (it was full!)

This kinda bothered me because I felt he was reluctant to get rid of photo. And perhaps reminisce with the cards?!

I asked him if this was the case and he said of course not. I asked uf there were other items and he said no just the photo.

Because I know this is not the case, I feel really let down that he would lie. I'm not the sort of person to get all dramatic over these things, we all have a past. But the fact he was lying bothers me.

I know this seems trivial but there have been a couple of incidents where I know he is lying. But they are so minor that I don't know if it's worth getting worked up over.

In all other aspects of our relationship he is great. We don't argue, he is respectful and kind and believe we are committed.
We've been together two years

You've been together 2 years? Gosh. I thought you were going to say a few months.
Lying is never ok. In any circumstances. He's being evasive and possibly a bit deceptive. As well as disrespectful.
What are the other lies? You need to look at the whole picture. Write it down if need be. It sometimes helps see / think more clearly.
After you have written things down, try and talk to him about your concerns. If he's not willing to talk or is dismissive of your concerns, then you will probably know if your heart that he's not being totally fair and straight with you. If he loves you, he will do everything in his power to reassure you.

Poor guy - he was probably trying to protect your feelings. He doesn't want to throw about stuff that is a part of his past and why should he. They are his letters and his photo - both me and my partner have memorabilia - photos and cards and letters (I have a whole suitcase) from former relationships - they are important as they are a part of my life albeit a previous life - but it doesn't mean I want to go back or be with any of those people - I'm happier than I've ever been.
I would tell him that he shouldn't throw them out and maybe put them in a box somewhere hidden away but safe.
His white lies were just to protect you I'm sure. Enjoy your moving in and new relationship.

I agree with onemore

Everyone is entitled to a past & knowing how excited you might get by it, it sounds like he was trying to protect you

I know many couples who have got divorced and moved on to live with new partners. The wives have still kept wedding photos from the first marriage. They aren't on display but they haven't been thrown away.

I have been in a relationship where my then partner was insecure because of things in her past and as a result a little paranoid. Occasionally, for an easy life, I told the odd very little white lie. Then I realised it was her issue and not mine. This is why she is an ex partner.

He was just protecting your feelings.

I have things from past relationships including the engagement ring my ex gave me. We haven't had contact in ten months and there's no feelings at all there, but he was a huge part of my life for four years.

Throwing away the cards and photos won't erase the memories.

You're being absolutely ridiculous and I would advise your man to run a mile tbh. If the roles were reversed this would be deemed a red flag

Some people believe lies are okay if they're for the greater good (in the liar's eyes) to avoid hurting someone. And some believe lying is wrong full stop. I'm more the latter and my OH more the former (with white lies only, he's a very honest person I'm talking stuff like telling me he's already found his ear plugs in the middle of the night cos he knew I'd get up and look for them when he hadn't, and that's the only example!) We discussed lying in general when we got together and I told him my stance.

I think it's worth telling your OH you know he lied about there being nothing else and you don't like being lied to. Ask him why he lied. And tell him now he knows, if he lies in the future and you find out you'll be questioning the relationship. Once he knows your stance there's no excuse.

But where is he going to 'throw' this stuff? Not in the bin surely? There's masses of personal stuff that you might not want just blowing around the local council tip? In his shoes and in that position, I wouldn't be throwing it out visibly in front of you but putting it aside to incinerate or shred. He might be just being practical here OP.

It would have been the ideal moment to tell him not to throw it all away.
Why would you want him to?

I agree with others, he was probably trying to save your feelings.

But you said he left lied before. What about?

It sounds to me like he felt under pressure from you to throw those things out, but he was not ready to. I can understand him trying to keep you happy while not doing anything irrevocable with the stuff from past relationships.

Have the other times you think he lied been in similar circumstances?

Reading between the lines, it sounds very much that you have got upset about past girlfriends and now your bf is wary of your reaction.

If it genuinely didn't bother you then why did you watch him so carefully when he gathered the cards and photo into a bag? And of course he knew what you meant when you suggested throwing it away for him.

Don't push him away by denying him his right to his privacy and past.

I have wedding photographs from a marriage that ended in 1986. I have no romantic/loving/fond feelings about the late ex (except that he was my daughter's father and she's amazing) but I do like to see myself as a then) lovely young girl in a pretty dress.

Keeping photographs and cards doesn't always mean you are yearning for the person you were with at the time.

(

I really don't think this is something to be worried about!
Personally I get quite upset when I think of my partner with other women as he's my first and only proper relationship
We once found a picture of an ex in the loft, I was devastated and I don't even know why
I started asking him all sorts of questions and I'm pretty sure he told a few white lies to save my feelings!
But you said he has lied about other stuff? Without knowing the circumstances it's hard to know whether it's a cause for concern or not!

My DP has folders full of his ex and him on the computer. It has never entered my head to tell him or expect him to get rid of any of them. They were together 14 years, weve been together 6 years and have 2 children. I'm very pleased he has a past before me and I hope she made him very happy.

I agree wholeheartedly Sleep. If a new boyfriend wanted me to get rid of photos and cards etc from the past that would be a major red flag for me.

It would ring alarm bells of possessiveness and control. A bit like that film Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind. Why would you want to erase your partner's past? It is part of what has shaped them into the person you love today.

I must be in the minority here but I don't understand why you would want to keep cards from an ex. I'm quite sentimental but I've never kept cards. I don't see why you would if you've moved on.

I have old photos, cards and gifts from some old relationships that were important to me and how I am now. My partner would never ask me to throw them out or even question my keepsake. Christ iv even got old wedding photos from an abusive relationship I left soon after, tbf I don't look at the latter but they are still my past and what have formed me.

So do you think you should just erase the past completely? Yeah he shouldn't lie but you Ido shouldn't have even bothered to question him on it. Sentimentally often doesn't apply logic.

Thank you for your comments. Just to clarify, he has always been the one to throw away photos etc that he has come across. Not once have I ever asked him to. He would say things like 'the past is the past and he doesn't want to have bad reminders'

That's why I found it slightly odd and unsettling.

I'm not young. I'm late 30's. I feel like a kid again though. Never had a proper or happy relationship before that's why I guess I'm slightly paranoid about this one going wrong!

I'm hoping it was to protect my feelings.

He has thrown stuff directly out before, so definitely not being practical!

I don't think that wanting to keep the old photo is a big deal. However,

"I know this seems trivial but there have been a couple of incidents where I know he is lying. But they are so minor that I don't know if it's worth getting worked up over."

the pattern of lying is concerning. It can be a red flag for eventual gas lighting.

I suggest an honest and frank conversation about the photo and tell him of course he can keep things he wants, and he can be honest about it, and see what happens. If he keeps saying that you know aren't true, look more critically at the whole relationship and at least take things VERY SLOWLY.

You cannot change the past, but if the lying is in the present, then there is, in my opinion, a problem. If you and he have a really good conversation and discuss this, you can sort it out. Explain that he is allowed to have a past before you and that you cannot take his memories away, but it must remain in the past when it comes to your relationship. I know from experience that sometimes partners want to tell you what you want to hear. I.e. he was not a very nice person, or, it was just a fling, but if you trust each other you should be able to share what was good and bad about the past. I have never judged my partner on what she did in the past, but when the lies were exposed (for example - Me 'Are you in touch with any of your exes?' Her 'No, of course not!' Me 'what about him?' Her 'he's a friend of my brother'. Two lies that I knew were lies, about the 'past') it made trusting her very difficult. I have exes as friends and made sure she knew. Lying would make it a secret, and the truth will come out. You don't need to know everything, but you need to know that everything you ask him about is the truth. Talk, communicate and get to know each other. Good luck.

nobody trying to Change the Past ffs ... apart from it not being possible.. it's merely that he keeps telling these White Lies.. right ?

I don't like white lies.. they bite you on the ass at a later date...

tell him to grow up... if he wants to keep the cards etc fine.. if not that's fine too.. but stop telling little white lies about it... makes him look like a kid

I think little white lies are essential to life in general let alone relationships - it's how society functions! Anyone who says they have never told a white lie , has just literally told one!