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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I being unfair?

23 replies

Movingon1611 · 18/09/2017 02:33

I need some perspective and am more than willing to be told I'm in the wrong.
Backstory, exh had an affair and we split in April this year when I found out. He is still with OW
He insisted on introducing the DC to her 3 weeks after we split and only 2 months after he'd met her.
What followed was weeks of him refusing to spend time with the kids other than the approx 20/30 minutes on the 3 days I work and he picked them up from school.
After 2 and a bit months of this and with intervention from OW he agreed to have them on a Sunday (lives in a house share so can't have them overnight)
Both Sunday's he was over 40 minutes late and returned them after 2 hours not at the time we agreed.

On the second Sunday because he didn't like my attitude (the fact I was pissed off he was late again)
He decided he was going to break my phone so that I wouldn't have proof of his affair anymore.
I tried to stop him and got 3 hours of him assaulting me in front of the kids in return- kicking, punching, strangling etc. Police wanted to press charges but CPS said there wasn't enough evidence so he got away with it.
That was 5 weeks ago. He hasn't seen the kids since. Social services carried out an assessment on my ability to safeguard the kids 3 weeks ago and we're still waiting on the report.
I've asked the social worker if the kids are allowed contact with they dad and have been told in one instance that he's got to apply through court and in avother that we need to sort it ourselves.
Exh keeps emailing saying how much he misses dc and how desperate he is to see them. So last week I offered him the chance to see them on Sunday, he said no, that he wanted to sort it legally before he saw them, told me to leave him alone and not contact him.
Yesterday he emailed saying we need to discuss what days he can see the kids, he wants to take them out at October half term, to a pantomime at Christmas and to a party on New Year's Eve.
I've replied saying he made it very clear last week that he wanted to go the legal route so that's what he needs to do.
I also questioned where exactly the kids would be sleeping on New Year's Eve given that they're not allowed at his house, although I know the answer is at OW.

Am I being unfair? The thought of him spending time with the kids makes me feel sick. The last time they saw him he had his hands round my throat choking me but I know he's their dad so has the right to see them.

OP posts:

Original poster

Movingon1611 · 18/09/2017 03:04

I should also add that he is on anti depressants, quite a high dose, but has not been taking them daily like he should. He says he feels better so doesn't have to take them every day. He has refused to go back to the Drs.
Having lived with him through years of untreated depression I know exactly how up and down he can be and it concerns me him having the kids if he's not taking the medication properly

OP posts:

Hidingtonothing · 18/09/2017 03:04

Legally he might have the right, morally I think a man who can attack their mother in front of his children should never be allowed near them again. Personally I would do exactly as he suggested and let this go through court before he sees them and I would be trying very hard to make a case for supervised contact only. Are you concerned going the legal route will piss him off and make him more of a danger to you in the meantime OP? I'm so sorry the CPS wouldn't pursue your case, it's utterly shit for you

Hidingtonothing · 18/09/2017 03:06

I would imagine the medication thing is something you could use to back up your supervised contact case, do you happen to have emails or texts from him saying he's not taking his pills daily?

tocas · 18/09/2017 03:13

I don't think you're being unfair OP, he sounds seriously unhinged and has not proven himself to be a trustworthy parent.

Original poster

Movingon1611 · 18/09/2017 07:19

Yes I have messages from him and his girlfriend re the medication. She says it's ok because he's always happy when he's with her.
I said that's not the point, he can't choose as and when he takes them he should see a dr if he's feeling better and have them start to wean him off them.
He's been on them 18 months you can't just go cold turkey. Plus his behaviour is still erratic and paranoid so I don't think he should be off them at all

OP posts:

Original poster

Movingon1611 · 18/09/2017 10:30

Can he take them to her house for an overnight stay? Is that something a court would permit?

OP posts:

Winteriscomingneedmorewood · 18/09/2017 10:37

Is he really going to go down the court route??
Stop messaging /emailing him. . Tell him to get his shit together and maybe write to the dc. And get back to you in the new year and see if his df skills have improved any.
But in answer to your question. . Yes he would be allowed to have the dc wherever he chose. .

AnnieAnoniMouse · 18/09/2017 10:51

I'm so sorry you've been through all of this.

If you haven't already reported him to the police, do it now. See about getting a non molestation order (or whatever it's called now) in place for you and the children.

Write down everything threatening/worrying you can think of that's he's done/said to you & the children. Your children should not be seeing that violence.

He doesn't have a right to see them. He has a responsibility to pay CM though, so I hope you're getting that.

Tell him that due to his behaviour he will not have contact with the children unless & until it is court sanctioned and then it will be supervised (officially, not by his GF).

Tell him that the only correspondence you will accept is from his solicitor and you will go to the police if either he or his GF (or anyone) contact you.

You need to stay safe & keep your children safe.

Poshindevon · 18/09/2017 12:50

AnnieAnoniMouse has given you some good advice.
You now need legal advice and should see a family solicitor asap

Original poster

Movingon1611 · 18/09/2017 13:03

Yes he's paying CM that's on collect and pay with CMS because he kept under paying or not paying at all.

Police are involved and CPS are reviewing their decision not to charge him.
I spoke to my social worker to chase the report and apparently admin still haven't sent it so I asked him to tell me what it says.
It says he cannot come to the house or near me at all, that we will need a 3rd party to facilitate access and that he needs to apply to court for access.
Apparently the social worker has told him this at least 4 times already.

Will look into the non molestation order
Thanks

OP posts:

AnnieAnoniMouse · 18/09/2017 21:38

You don't need to look into a non-mol it's already in place - he cannot come to the house or near you.

He cannot have contact until it's been to court.

Next time he gets in touch tell him you will be calling the police. Hang up. Call the police. Take a note of the day & time. Keep ALL texts. Don't let anything slide. It could be the difference between keeping your kids safe & him getting unsupervised contact.

Hang in there 💐

Original poster

Movingon1611 · 18/09/2017 21:51

He can't phone me, I've blocked his number and he doesn't know the landline, never knew it even when he lived here.
All I have is emails from him

OP posts:

Original poster

Movingon1611 · 19/09/2017 19:55

He's come to the house- he knows he's not allowed to, he didn't knock he just left our sons new football kit on the doorstep and then emailed saying it was there. When I asked why he'd come here when I'd told him earlier to just give the kit to his manager and I'd pick it up on Saturday. He said why are you assuming it was me? Well surely anyone else would've knocked and given it to me in person?

Social services told me to report it to the police if he came here but it he didn't knock or anything and I didn't see him is there anything to actually report?

OP posts:

AnnieAnoniMouse · 19/09/2017 21:20

I would because the police are already involved & are reconsidering whether to charge him or not. It might not help much, but it might...

Tell them he's come around, but he's saying you can't prove it was him. Let them know you had already told him to leave the kit with the manager & that you feel uncomfortable with him making excuses to drop around to the house & the mind games.

Original poster

Movingon1611 · 19/09/2017 21:38

Rang the police on 101 they're sending someone round

OP posts:

Gemini69 · 19/09/2017 21:47

stop communicating over anything that isn't traceable.. keep everything.. emails texts whatever... and keep reporting his contacts .. stay strong OP...

SandyY2K · 19/09/2017 21:55

You aren't being unfair. He's an abusive bully.

What I'll never understand, is the mindset of the numerous OW, who are happy to be in a relationship with a man who doesn't care about his children.

C0untDucku1a · 19/09/2017 22:09

Not just a man who doesnt care about his children, but a man who is violent. Madness.

EnTsa · 20/09/2017 04:18

Erm... No. You have a duty as a mother to safeguard you children. You should be taking necessary measures to make sure exh isnt allowed anywhere near them, NOT emailing him to discuss what days he should have them.

Emilybrontescorsett · 20/09/2017 06:18

I agree with Annie.
Stop communicating with him.
Make him go to court.

Original poster

Movingon1611 · 20/09/2017 06:22

I didn't email him to discuss days, yes I offered him the chance to see them the other week out of some misplaced feelings of guilt but he's the one who's been emailing me about what days he can have them and I've told him he has to go to court.
Without the report from social services still I don't know exactly what it says so didn't know if I was being unfair because the social worker had said conflicting things that is why I posted. I've got exh emailing daily telling me I'm keeping his kids from him and I can't do that so I wanted some perspective on the situation

OP posts:

C0untDucku1a · 20/09/2017 19:13

What did the police say?

Original poster

Movingon1611 · 20/09/2017 19:25

They sent someone round to his this evening to remind him he's not allowed to come to the house or me.

Technically he's not committed a crime he's just gone against what he's been advised to do. At least now he knows I'm not going to let him pushing the boundaries go

OP posts:

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