AIBU or am I right to be fed up

[maltedmilkandtea]

I'm the breadwinner in our house. My job is demanding and I work long hours. On top of that, I also do the lion's share of the housework and life admin etc. DH also works hard but doesn't pitch in as much financially or around the house. He's not terrible - he'll help with the basics to keep the house ticking over like cook dinner and do laundry but that's where it ends. Unless there's an immediate need to do something i.e. we need to eat or he's got no clean underwear, he doesn't bother.

We've had sooo many conversations about this over the years and it just goes nowhere. I'm so fed up and overwhelmed with everything I have to deal with and feel so unsupported and alone with it all. If something needs doing, I don't bother to ask him to help because it's pointless.

Whenever I try to talk about it I get one of the following responses from him:

• Defensive anger: he lists off everything he does, tells me I'm ungrateful and that there's no problem as he does 50% of the work.
• Makes out it's my problem: I'm overreacting, there's no point getting wound up about 'a few dishes', I need to relax and let it go, if there's a choice between enjoying life and doing housework - we should choose enjoyment and I should stop being a drag

I just don't know how to move forward when he won't accept there's a problem. I'm so frustrated about it that we almost split up last year. It seems ridiculous to split up over something like this but I'm having the same feelings again. It's like we're not partners because I don't feel like he contributes fairly and that affects the rest of our relationship.

Has anyone been in this same situation? AIBU?

BTW - I'm not some kind of clean freak or really house proud. I just like having a garden that's not overgrown and a house that's not a complete tip

This wouldn't work for me or my DH, I would look at the costs of a gardener once a month, a cleaner every fortnight at a minimum and a weekly ironing service. Once you have these details sit down with your DH and explain that you are simply not doing all ,of these things and they need doing so either the money comes out of your joint expenditure or you share the tasks. If you can can afford it I would buy in as much help as possible. My DH hates housework and I won't do everything so we have cleaning and ironing bought in.

I agree with pp. if you really want to explain how you feel get your oh to read this www.google.co.uk/amp/s/mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/amp/

It's not just about the housework, but from op is saying it's also about the lack of financial input.
By getting in people it puts the onus on op financially because he will no doubt have various excuses why it shouldn't be his responsibility.
And how likely is he going to read a book never mind take note when he doesn't see a problem?

He needs it spelling out to him he isn't contributing enough. For the household stuff you could do a week planner and mark who does what. Do this for a month so when he claims to do half, he can see not.

Same with cash, tell him these are the household costs. This is how much you have to pay.

No one likes housework. But unless you want to live in a dump it's a part of life. What happens when finances go down and there's no cash left to bring people in?

Re the finances, is it just that his job doesn't pay as well so he can't contribute as much as you, or does he have the money but doesn't think he should share it?

I agree that sharing the cost of a cleaner may help, but personally I would find his disrespect hard to live with.

LTB.

Before my divorce, I was struggling with the state of my house. It was disgusting - dirty plates in the sink for days, when the sink was next to an empty dishwasher, etc.

It wasn't the biggest issue in our marriage (his use of prostitutes kinda dwarfed it ) but it was just one more breaking point.

I took the option of getting a cleaner. It was a household cost, we earned about 50/50, we paid 50/50 on the cleaning.

Did it remove that stress?

Not it fucking didn't!

Over time (very quickly) I felt resentful:

• we were paying for a cleaner we shouldn't need

• I was paying 50% of a cleaner for his mess

• on the day the cleaner was due, I was tidying up not because I was one of those types that don't want the cleaner to see the mess but because she had a list of jobs and couldn't do them if we hadn't done other things. Remember the days of dirty dishes? (I worked away, they were all his) The cleaner would lift them onto a tea towel on the worktop so she could clean the sink Yes - I could have paid more hours and added washing up 4 day old skanky dishes to her jobs - but where does it end?

• it look one evening after the cleaner had been for him to start messing the place up again. Jesus, the feeling in my chest when the cleaner had left the house sparkling on Tue then I got up Wed morning to a fucking skid mark in the loo and a pizza box on the floor by the sofa...

I think that a cleaner is a great solution when 2 people are busy, can afford it, want more free time - and still split the remaining stuff fairly.

If the fundamental problem is a different of personality and someone who doesn't respect you... a cleaner is a sticking plaster that'll come off - or will actually make you even more resentful.

Thanks for all the replies

I have thought about getting a cleaner but like Ellis says, I don't know if it will really fix things. I can see it becoming another source of stress for me as I'll have to make sure the house is tidy so the cleaner can get to all the surfaces to clean them. And also this:

Jesus, the feeling in my chest when the cleaner had left the house sparkling on Tue then I got up Wed morning to a fucking skid mark in the loo and a pizza box on the floor by the sofa

I know this feeling too well! It's gutting when you've spent ages cleaning and half a day later the place is a complete shit tip again!

I had another conversation with DH yesterday and his response was 'love should be unconditional' and 'love is higher than just caring about dishes'. And something else along the lines of, 'if there's a choice between enjoying life and doing chores, we should just enjoy life'.

Stop doing his things. Do your washing, iron not your clothes, make your meals, cups of tea, pay your bills but not his etc etc when he complains tell him life's too short and you don't want to stress so you've reduced your load! He will either get it and start doing a fair share or not. If not he's a prick who you may as well get rid of now as he will always expect you to pick up after him and keep him and who wants to mother a grown man.