Army Girlfriend looking for some support!

[ruby92]

Hi All

I'm seeking a bit of support and advice and hoping I can maybe find someone in the same situation.

I have been with my partner now for 1.5year and we have been living together for a few months. He has been in the army and based around 6 hours away ever since I've been with him. We have a fantastic loving relationship and I've never been so happy. However, the distance does get to me at times and I hate coming home to an empty house each evening. Luckily at the moment he gets home most weekends, but weekends then feel like such precious time and I struggle when we both have individual plans which mean we don't see each other. I'm frustrated at myself for feeling this way as I think it's important to be able to enjoy ourselves individually but can't help feeling disappointed when I'm on my own during the week. The distance has only really started to be an issue in the last few months and I think it's since we moved in together and are starting to plan our future and I'm realising that my life will involve being along Monday - Friday and if we have children I will also be by myself during the week.

I have a busy demanding job so I'm certainly not bored during the week but I do feel envious of my friends who have their partner at home every day.
I love my partner and I'm determined for this not to be an issue so I'm just wondering if anyone has any words of advice or support when your partner is forces or works away during the week?
Many thanks

Sorry you're struggling ruby. I am/was in a similar situation with my dp who joined the Navy after we'd been together a number of years. I made plans to keep busy with friends/hobbies when he was away but then also moved to be closer for one deployment later on, as I would have rarely seen him and it felt like there would have been little point in being together otherwise. Would you be willing to do this?
Another word of caution - how will you feel when he's away for extended periods of time, or if you have kids? In my experience it just gets harder, even if you give up friends/job to live closer to his posted area, he still could leave you alone for long periods of time (months... )... It's a hard position to be in and I don't think many ppl who have not experienced it will understand how it wears you down.
Make the most of other army partners, hopefully someone with more positive ideas will be along soon. Good luck.

My husband is in the military.
He was posted to a town about 2 hours away when we first met, and only saw each other at weekends. Then he moved in with me after 2 years, and was able to come home every night for a couple of years (apart from when he was on tours, obviously). By the time we had a second baby, he was away at staff college all week, then a posting to another town that meant away during the week again.

I didn't mind so much when it was just me and him (I like my own space), but struggling with a baby and toddler on my own all week was TOUGH. I think it's much easier now though: FaceTime exists (there were no iPhones 13 years ago, and I didn't even have broadband), so it's much easier to stay in contact, if you make an effort.

Actually before I was housebound with the children, I used to keep myself busy during the week with activities: I joined the local tri club (got very fit, and made some good friends, one of whom got pregnant at same time as me, so that was great also), and I used to do art classes too. Maybe that's an option? Stops you sitting in, getting lonely.

I'm the one who works away now, and frankly he's not as good at being on his own as I am. But we FaceTime every night and text each other commentary while we watch the same tv programmes.

I don't think it's a life everyone can handle, I know I couldn't. If you want to continue with it then definitely seek support from other army wives/girlfriends as they are in the same position. They'll help you a lot I imagine.

OP I think your being really sensible by considering these factors, do you think he would ever leave the army if you had kids?

Years ago my ex husband was called up to go fight in Iraq. I'd been friends with a few "army wives" and one particular friends husband was sent to Iraq. I text her every day to ask how she was etc, and she told me she didn't want to talk about it as she was trying not to think about it. So then I started keeping in touch with her about other things. I knew she got lonely when he was away and I didn't leave close by, but really tried to be a good friend to her. Anyway, one day she lost it with me, shouted at me for never asking about her husband etc. I was really shocked and upset as she'd told me she didn't want to talk about it. I thought she was a bit of a cow after that and went right off her.

Anyway the next year was when my husband was called up. I cannot tell you how stressful it was. Every day fearing for his life, waiting for his calls, hearing horrific stories of things that had happened out there, sometimes to people we knew.

Some dick head energy company were calling me 3 times a day to try and get me to switch supplier, but I had to always answer the phone because it could have been him! I tried hanging up, telling them to stop, pleading, everything and then one day I just lost it with them. It'd made the situation so much worse yet it was such a small thing really. I understood then why my friend had taken it out on me that day, it's so, so hard. It's really not a life for everyone. We ended up splitting because he had horrific PSD from his first time in the army, but being called up had made it all come flooding back. He could sustain a relationship after that, and if kids had been involved it would have be enough ten times worse.

I'm not trying to say it's doomed, plenty of women cope, but I would urge you to consider if this is the sort of relationship you envisioned for yourself? If you could cope on your own with the kids for long periods? If you cope well with stress (I clearly don't . You need to consider if this really is right for you.

I really do wish you the best of luck with it, maybe just keeping as busy as possible is the answer if you do want to make it work?

PTS not PSD! Sorry, my auto correct is my biggest nemesis!

Well honestly I would think really long and hard about this because, as someone earlier said.... it just gets harder. I'm 13 years into this life ... 8 married and 2 daughters 12 and 7.... I feel like I am reaching my limit of endurance of being the single parent during he week and having support only at weekends. I love him, he's a good dad when here but I feel more lonely than ever and in all honestly dont know what to do about it. It's not an easy life, particularly with kids. ☹️

You have my complete sympathy. Having been married for someone in the Army for 16 years (sadly now divorced after 16 years) and now dating another Army man, I totally get where you are. I am devastated when my boyfriend departs at the end of the weekend but I suppose that's how I know I love him so much. The feelings for him run so deep. But I am a strong independent woman with a career; I don't need a man in my life but I desperately want this particular man in my life. There is a huge difference. I guess with the military men, one knows they will be posted regularly. My ex husband did 6 month tours in Afghanistan x 2, Iraq, Northern Ireland and Kosovo and I put up with every one with grace and dignity; what else can you do - the army comes first and family a close second. What I did in those times was concentrate on my friends and myself and when we had eventually them, the children were my main focus. Life is never easy as an Army WAG but it is rewarding and the friends you make will last a lifetime. Enjoy the week days and nights and the time to yourself when you are not with him, concentrate on your own career, read books, take up a new sport, chill out with friends but don't pine for him. Being an Army WAG is not for everyone and so many relationships fail due to the separation aspect. Good luck xxx

ps. I suppose marriage would be the answer if you want to continue; at least, you'll get to live together!!

ps. I suppose marriage would be the answer if you want to continue; at least, you'll get to live together!! Your career will suffer but if you're happy with that, go for it!

If you get married you could move around with him. Is your job the kind that you could move around with? And is he in the kind of army job where he moves around a lot?

I'm in a relationship with a military officer - not Army though. His role is one of those ones where is he unlikely to be deployed but he does move every couple of years. I am in a job where I can move internally to be with him. NHS jobs are also useful for that!

We do weekends at the moment - generally Friday afternoon until Sunday night or early Monday morning - he's only a couple of hours away. It's a little hard but I like my quiet time during the week. He likes his too! And it's not forever and hopefully next year when he moves again I'll move internally at work to be in the same place.

Do you try and plan nice things to do on a weekend? Or future holidays? I find having a long weekend City break and a week away helps to have something to look forward to.

Your career MAY suffer, but I've managed.
Partly because my husband has passed up on promotion to stay in the same posting while my career has taken off, and partly because I have made the decision to live away during the week for a while to further my career. But we're not in quarters, so we are not in the "normal" military situation.
We will be next year though, and I will have a nasty commute. But I figure whatever life you choose, there will be hard choices and compromises.

I don't think there is any getting away from it: it's not an easy life and you need to be fairly strong and independent to weather the tough times. I was desperately desperately lonely when it was just me and the baby at home, especially weekends when he was in Afghanistan, while everyone else was doing family stuff. No adult conversation all day. Dark days.

Hey, just wanted to say I know how it feels.
I've been with my OH for 4 years. He joined the army a year ago, the day I found out I was pregnant, and it's been so difficult with him being based so far away! (Was 5 hours, now 2 so not as bad, but not great!)
Me and the baby only get to see him on weekends so it's pretty rubbish really. He's missing out on loads.
We really want to live together, like before, but as the army says "you have to be married to get a house" off them, it is hard. We've thought about renting closer to him but I don't know anyone and it would be a big change with a newborn so we're unsure on what to do at the moment.
I'm always here if you want to talk. I feel lonely quite often. Hope you're okay x

It'd made the situation so much worse yet it was such a small thing really. I understood then why my friend had taken it out on me that day, it's so, so hard. It's really not a life for everyone.

It really is the small things that get to you too. My dh was away on deployment when my cat got ran over. I couldn't cancel the policy because it was his name on it (all that one name per policy data protection stuff) so ended up paying insurance on a dead cat for months before it was sorted out.

I've recently started dating a lovely guy in the forces and this is worrying me too. Right now he is around a lot but he is off for six months in November.

I have 2 DC (who he hasn't met) and a busy life... But I know I am really going to miss him and six months feels like a long time, especially as we won't even have been together for a year when he goes.

Hi everyone

Thank you all so much for your messages, really appreciate it. I'm not sure if it's so much of a life I would of chose but then I can't imagine my life without him so I suppose I will have to learn to accept it in some form. The good thing is he does really want to be near home again so is actively looking for postings near here but obviously that's not easily come by. I'm definitely keeping busy during the weeks and just enjoying weekends. I suppose even people like a "normal" life never know what's round the corner so will have to try make the best of what can be a bad situation! Thanks again to everyone