Dad died last week and dh isn't being helpful or supportive

[whatisforteamum]

I've posted on here loads about df being so I'll.He had cancer treatment for years.The last six weeks he spent in hospital literally with everything wrong with him as the cancer was in his spine too then his brain.I started a new jjob six weeks ago too so stressed wasn't the word for it.
Anyway Df wanted to die and refused visitors.Last week the gp said to call the family and we witnessed the saddest declared he of df he couldn't swallow or speak for the last two days and was almost drowning on lung secretions so much so I was relieved he died.
All last week I looked after DM sorted out clothes for her rang around sorting out things for his funeral.
Dh took me to the nursing home in his last days only after our Df who not d away had a go at him not to go to golf.
This weekend he has been petty to the extreme saying I can shut my face were having mixed veg for tea!! Then moaning how he always cooks tea as I usually work all weekend every weekend.
He hasn't once hugged me or even given me a sympathy card.....I only received one.
He has lost both parents and though he cries at the drop of a hat he hasn't seen me cry so expects me to be over it.
What would be reasonable to expect from a spouse on the de ath of a close parent?
I was young when dfil died so probably didn't realise the impact.
I feel I have no support and I'm returning to work tomorrow before the funeral in a week.

Firstly I'm so so sorry for your loss. The reaction of your dh is not the normal one of a loving and caring partner.
Is he usually like this? Do you have any friends that you can talk to?

Oh love, so sorry about your dad . Your H sounds like an arse.

I'm not excusing your husband's shit behaviour, but I wonder if your dad's death has brought back the loss of his own parents, and he just doesn't recognise it or know how to deal with such overwhelming emotions. I'm very sorry about your dad and the terrible time you're going through.

I'm not excusing your husband's shit behaviour, but I wonder if your dad's death has brought back the loss of his own parents

Could be, but no excuse. It's simple to be kind to someone, ask them if they want a cuppa, give a cuddle, bite your tongue a little more if tired/overburdened.

OP your DH is acting like he doesn't give a shit.

I wouldn't expect a sympathy card from a partner. But love and support and cutting me some slack, I absolutely would.

No I don't have any close friends as I work split shifts on unsociable hours .I do have acquaintances who have been supportive on social media.
I wondered if he was upset but when I asked him he said he wasn't.Others have been genuinely upset as Dad was such a caring decent man.
Dh has been very moody since his heart attack in 2013.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm being needy but I would look after someone if their relative died.
I'm not the emotional type but my Dad has died he said I said sorry when you rang me up!! I feel quite lonely tbh.

he said I said sorry when you rang me up!!

Is that him supposedly trying to make you feel better?

Sorry for your loss op, it must be a very difficult time for you right now.

Saying sorry for it is one thing but he needs to be your rock at a time like this. Not just say 'sorry about the news' then go back to normal. Your life will feel anything but normal for a while yet.

It's pretty bad how he's treating you this way. Can you tell him you need time to wallow in your thoughts and perhaps would like him to be a comforting shoulder to cry on? Maybe he doesn't know how to react in this situation but he needs to be more supportive.

Sending you love x

So sorry for your loss

Your DH is being a thoughtless and selfish git. You need support right now and he needs to step up.

So tell him what you need. Ask him to make a nice dinner, ask him for a hug, etc. It's crap you have to ask, I know, but some people are clueless in these situations and he might just need a shove in the right direction.

All the best, OP.

The info about having a heart attack is very telling. Many people develop depression after heart attacks. Has he seen anyone about depression?

He sounds very unsupportive. It's really not about saying sorry, but the actions of being supportive.

My condolences to you.

Aquamarine he is on antidepressant s sometimes he won't shave he wears scruffy clothes and gets angry if I point it out.Tbh I didn't molly coddle him after his HA as I did want he to return to normal life.It was a major one and he was stented twice.Some of his family were trying to get him to leave work.He was 52.
I am pleased our Df had a go at him to go with me to see Df.I had to stop driving this yr due to anxiety.I need to get back to it after 32/yrs driving so I can be independant.
Off to work in a moment.I know one person the rest are new to me.I miss my old team mates too.I'm hoping today goes well I should be home by 10/pm

He hasn't ...even given me a sympathy card

He's your husband - I think giving you a sympathy card would be weird.

He hasn't seen you cry? Sounds as if perhaps your relationship has dried up emotionally? So that neither of you knows how to show or deal with your own or the other's emotions? Do you cry on your own or are you still processing your feelings?

He hasn't see me cry as.I've probably been too busy helping DM and now gone back to work.When someone is very I'll and dies I think some relief sets in that they are no longer suffering.
Yes perhaps we don't comfort each other much.I did go with him to see his df in the chapel of rest though many years ago.
He has since got me a beautiful card which means a lot to me.
Only my boss and manager said anything at work n
my colleagues didn't mention why I was off for ten days.I am new there though.

If someone doesn't show their emotions it can be quite hard to comfort them, do you know what I mean? When my ex's mum died he threw himself into his work (and an affair as it turned out), and I hardly ever saw him. I didn't think to talk to him about it as I thought it went without saying that he was devastated by her death. There didn't seem much to talk about. It was only much later that he said he wished I had given him more support. That prompted us to talk about our feelings, and it was only then that I was able to understand how I could help him. (Too late in our case.)

Could he just not know how to react to death.

Honestly I'm terrible when it comes to death and how to act to people when a loved one has died. It likely stems from my childhood experience of death, I'm very detached and a ok their dead we can't fix that but we can do X/Y/X practical things type of person.

I can't change that as it would just be really forced and uncomftable for everyone involved but I am aware of how it might come across so I keep my mouth shut.

I'm so sorry about your Dad OP. I can't imagine what a difficult time you must be going through. Concentrated on your own grief for now it's all very soon. In terms of what to expect from a partner- love, support, understanding, a shoulder to cry on. I would isolate myself from him for now and focus on yourself. When you feel stronger you can address all this.

OP I went through very similar with dh when my dad died. I am so sorry this is happening to you. Watching someone die from cancer is horrific and IMHO you should be able to count on support from your spouse right now, even if it is wordless hugs and a cup of tea type support. My cousin stepped in in the end and did this for me as dh was worse than useless - he was actively mean. Dad died just before Xmas, I had a newborn I had almost died giving birth to, it was beyond words. I was too young, vulnerable and in shock at the time to consider how I should react to dh's behaviour but I won't every day, 10 years on, if I should have left him for that.

You need to let dh know how you feel and what you need from him. It could be he just doesn't know what to do. How he responds to the talk will tell you a lot.

*wonder not won't