Emotional abuse

[Walkingdead11]

If someone is bring emotionally abused, are they partly complicit in that? Further, if they are unaware they are being emotionally abused are they enabling the abuser?

No and no.

OP - Just a guess here as there's absolutely no information in your post. You've not been emotionally abused? Or, you have a suspicion that you are being and you want to confirm it, or maybe it's happening to someone you know.

It's a complex situation and a very complex topic to discuss. It's happened to me, and it's full of confusion. I blamed myself for a very long time.

No, I don't believe they are complicit in it. Ask yourself this, if they don't know they are being actively abused, how can they be actively enabling it? In order to actively enable something you have to be aware that it is occurring in the first place.

I of course know this, shame others don't!

There can be a point where someone becomes complicit in their own abuse IMO because the way of surviving living in an abusive relationship often is making yourself comply with the EA 'rules'. This doesn't mean the victim is not the victim though. Part of the dynamic of an EA relationship is successfully achieving control such that your victim becomes part of the cycle that puts them down.

Almost everyone who is a victim will have enabling behaviours, this doesn't mean they are to blame or that they are not the victim of the abuser's abuse.

Another thread (got pulled) where I talked, angrily about my abusive ex who is mentally ill. I was told I was an enabler to my abuse, both an enabler and a victim.

For example, re my ex, every time I didn't walk away or call the police or leave him outside without opening the door I was enabling him to continue abusing me.

I failed to do all those things because I was afraid of him. I was afraid of him because he was abusing me. I wasn't abusing myself but I wasn't helping myself and a lot of the things I chose not to do or chose to do enabled him to continue abusing me but at the time I wasn't yet strong enough to do/not do them (because he was abusing me).

The blame lies with him, I could have acted earlier but I didn't because I wasn't strong enough then. I don't blame myself for that, I think it's understandable but I intend to be aware of the things I did that enabled it to continue so long in order to look after myself better in the future.

Walkingdead11 Ahh, I understand. Offred makes a legitimate point, I did it because it had to, complying with the 'rules', even being complicit at times just to 'survive' in the situation until I could get out. That doesn't mean that I ever wanted to, I don't think many, if any people want to enable it, but sometimes it's the only thing that's really a means to an end and gets you closer to being able to get out, or at least get out in one piece.

I recall being criticised for it by people who knew me, those were always the people who had never been in a relationship like it. Those who had been in crappy relationships always had supportive words.

One of the most helpful things anyone said to me was a WA organisation. I was proud of myself for calling the police, couldn't wait to tell them but I'd told the police I didn't want to get him into trouble so not to do anything. The woman looked me in the eye and said 'you did well to call the police but you are still choosing to protect him over yourself' and it was like scales fell from my eyes.

Being told you are enabling the abuse is hard to hear but until you spot that you can't change him but you do have the power to refuse to allow him to abuse you you'll be stuck being his victim.

It's interesting. As I understand it coercive control is now a criminal offence with a clear perpetrator/victim dynamic. So this act of enabling surely muddys those waters??

And it takes mammoth strength when you are often at your lowest. It took me a good year of emotionally detaching, observing him closely and lots of support to finally be strong enough.

I would define an enabler as helping/allowing the partner in self destructive behaviour, most commonly addiction.

Abuse is abuse. Though there can be complexities but that's the bottom line.

I think coercive control recognises that element of EA actually - that someone is being coerced into being controlled.

For example; EA demand that you not wear makeup, because he makes it into such a big deal and makes you so miserable you stop wearing makeup just to avoid his wrath.

You have been coerced into living your life under his control by his abusive behaviour.

You have also (in an entirely unsurprising, predictable and understandable way) legitimised his attempt to exert control by complying with his desire that you not wear make up.

He's to blame because his behaviour is abusive and controlling but technically by complying with his demands and not walking away you are enabling it. This doesn't mean that it is easy to walk away or refuse to be cowed. Cow towing in the face of abuse is more common than walking away.

But the way to get free is to recognise that, though it seems impossible, you have the power because without you he has no-one to abuse.

My ex is mentally ill and an alcoholic. My ex emotionally blackmailed me into feeling sorry for him, suicide threats etc. I had very little choice but to help. I feel I am the victim.

Yeah, I don't think it is intended to be a comment that you are not the victim of the abuse. It's more that until you recognise your power (and your role) you will continue to be vulnerable.

I get it. Just never heard a victim of emotional abuse be called an enabler before.

Walkingead11 It's victim blaming - up there with people who like to say that women who wear short skirts are to blame for being raped.

I had people telling me that I deserved it because I stayed so long and that I didn't deserve any help that I got after I left. That I also deserved to be stripped of all of my financial assets (even though they were tiny and I was left nearly destitute) simply because I stayed so long and enabled it.

It's such a weird attitude, but I still assume it exists because it can't be seen. Unlike physical abuse where everyone can see a broken arm or a black eye, you can hide emotional abuse, so it's a case of "out of sight out of mind" or "if it's not happening to me then it's not real".

Well that's how I see it, victim blaming. I have been out of the relationship for several years but he still managed to pull me into his drama and mental health crises even though I didn't want to but I was coerced into helping by guilt tripping and using my dd leverage.

But that's what people are trying to say to you - don't get drawn in. You have left him, don't get pulled back into that dynamic where he gets to feed off you again.

You have to help yourself first. If you won't help yourself by not getting drawn back in to that abusive dynamic then you'll end up back at square one eventually.

I don't think anyone is meaning to imply you are to blame, just warning that it is dangerous to go back to the role you were playing in the relationship and feed his abusive behaviour as that will always without exception end up with you having the shitty end of the stick.

Well that's easy at the moment because i stopped contact due to him drinking while he had dd, going to court in 2 weeks. It's very difficult not to get pulled when someone is telling you they are suicidal or going to lose it. My plan im court is to highlight the emotional abuse and have specific things put onto the contact order, like no communication with me except about dd and that pick up and drop offs are done at my mums. Well once he can prove he's sober and in control of his mental health.

That all sounds very sensible TBH.

Sometimes it takes the shock of nearly being drawn back in to give you a shake and set you back on the right path.

It is very very hard not to be sucked back in by the very extreme behaviour you describe.

You probably need to practice saying to yourself in the mirror 'this is not my problem and I'm not the right person to help him' for when he gets like that.

If he's threatening to harm himself you need to call the police/ambulance.

OP you've basically started a TAT. Be careful this doesn't end up pulled too.