Still struggling to accept the person that he is today after breaking up years ago...

[Schnitzel]

I have "relapsed" and am in a bit of a hole at the moment.

I have been separated from the Father of my child for about 3 years now. For quite some time after the breakup we were relatively amicable, with the 3 of us often hanging out together as a family (which in hindsight we maybe should not have done). This is despite me realising, retrospectively, that he was actually quite emotionally abusive in the relationship. My ex then met someone else and this amicable situation nosedived. It's textbook stuff really.

The current situation is that he appears to hate me and have absolutely zero warmth or compassion at all for me. Communication with him is very poor. He doesn't hide his contempt and hate for me and often calls me appalling names in emails and texts.

A few days ago he insulted me in a text and I crumbled. I had to pinch myself to reconcile the person that he is now with the person that he used to be and the one that used to love and adore me. It made me really upset and I have been crying on and off for the last week.

Do I need to just get a grip and get some counselling to get over this feeling I have?

I don't have anybody new in my life, which is clearly contributing to me not being able to "move on" properly.

I'm not sure what I'm asking really. It might help if people who had similar experiences shared how they had moved on from this point.

Thank you.

You block him. All contact arrangements are court ordered so are the same every week. Maintenance goes through CMS. All other child related queries go through a 3rd party, such as a grandparent. Handovers go through a 3rd party.

You simply go NC. You are facilitating their relationship, but he has no right to a contact arrangement with YOU.

Counselling can be a really good idea to help yu sort all these feelings out.

What comes out for me is that yu are actually NOW grieving for the man he was and the relationship you had. Before that, the 'amicable' relationship, going together as a family etc... didn't leave the space to do so.
It's hard and it's not about 'getting a grip'. More about accepting who he is now and to treat him for he is and how he behaves now.

((Hugs))

And YY you do not have to accept the way he is talking to you now.
Gong through a third party for communication is one way.
Another is to have an email address or a folder where all his emails go and to look at them only once a week.
Communications only in writing so he never gets to ring yu and call you names.

I'm in a similar boat, although I have come to realise that it isn't that he has become a different person, but that he was always that way - just that he was either good at hiding it, or some of his negative traits were unimportant when I met him. Once you are intertwined with house, kids, marriage, joint accounts, there's no reason for him to bother to try and present an acceptable face.
And so I grieve for some kind of fantasy person who didn't exist in the first place.
But I don't think you need a new partner to move on. I think you just need a new focus. Like volunteering, or learn a language or learn an instrument and join a band. Go rambling. Join a choir. Just do something that will get you a set of new friends who have never met him. I find that although my pre divorce friends are lovely, inevitably the conversation always comes around to the EXH. It stops you from moving on. My post divorce friends don't know him, and their interest in me is genuinely in me as a person.

3dspace

I agree with everything in your post.

Op, it is a truly traumatic time. I still don't know whether the man I met ever existed.

It takes ages to recover, the pp who said that you didn't leave space to grieve by playing happy families. I agree with this.

Don't be too hard on yourself, its exhausting.

I hear you OP .... i second the suggestion to filter emails into a folder. Don't reply to texts via texts - reply to them via email - screenshot the text if you like. try to be consistent because its best for you, ergo your child.
I still ruminate, fixate, overthink, kick myself for what i could have done better or differently. The thing about regrets is that we are only guessing at different outcomes had we behaved differently. We can never say for sure .

Need to follow my own advice. My counsellor set me some homework; to think about what my needs are. It's been a hard task and i still don't really know.

I guess what i am trying to say is that you are not alone

fully endorse the notion that an 'amicable' separation can muddy the waters and delay healing.

That's not to say it needs to be tumultuous, rather that, in my case anyway, go factual, don't react, minimise contact.

Ignore the cries of 'I want to be amicable' because what they often mean is they want it their way, their amicable. That's the frustrating thing. They're still in the mindset of their way is best - after all, that's why you're no longer together!

Amicable is something to work towards imo - it has to be earned.

Thank you for your comments and solidarity!

EternalOptimistToo - I think you've hit the nail on the head. I do feel like I'm grieving. It's painful. I think the time that we spent hanging out together delayed this reaction. It amazes me how my ex can just move on seemingly without a backwards glance.

Very interesting perspective Lostin3dspace - I had never really thought of it like that (that he didn't really change at all but was the same person all along). I think he blindsided me for the first few years, then showed his true colours. The bizarre thing is, he's twisted everything around now and makes out that he is the victim and that I am the one who treated him terribly.

I want to try and deal with this grief more proactively, rather than languishing in it, as it's been going on for too long and holding me back. I'm going to email the counselling service at work tomorrow and see what they can offer.

Stop caring what he thinks. He is rewriting history to make himself feel better-repackaging his image. You do not have to acknowledge or agree with him. He is coaching himself in presenting this altered reality to increase his chances with his next target gf. It really has nothing to do with you...It is all about him.
Yes, it is annoying and insulting. Do not put up with it. Do as suggested above and put boundaries in place to restrict communication.

After your relationship ended, he used you for companionship until he found his next gf. I suspect that if/when this new relationship fizzles out, he will be back for more intermittent "friendship". You can have your response prepared ahead of time.