New DP called me his exes name...

[rosiemorag]

I have started seeing a really lovely man over the last few months. I have been taking things really slow as I am about a year away from an emotionally abusive ex so I don't want to repeat any mistakes.

When I was out with my new partner for a few drinks last night he called me by his exes name twice, without realising, when he was trying to get my attention.
He was with her for 5 years and hasn't been single that long before seeing me, but he is adamant he has no feelings towards her. I believe him, I was just hurt and humiliated this happened.

I know these things happen, especially when alcohol is involved, a slip of the tongue happens easily enough.

I just need a bit of reassurance I'm definitely doing the right thing and not completely over reacting about it all.

I have told him I need some space and I think he needs to have some time to clear her from his head and his life (She is still in contact with him and he bumps into her socially sometimes). He says it will never happen again and doesnt need any space.

Honestly, I don't care what he thinks. I spent years in an abusive relationship holding in my feelings and thinking I was wrong all the time. I am now trying to trust my feelings and my reactions, but it's hard.

Am I just being too precious?

XH did this with me, called me by his exes name a few times. I should have left then.

I don't know about this guy, but I'd say trust your first gut instinct, before you start wondering and questioning yourself (which is perfectly normal after an abusive relationship, it took me a few years to stop doing it). That's usually the right one.

DH has called me by his ex's name. I've called him my ex's name, my brother's, my son's, the cat's... probably more.

I wouldn't overthink it.

Honestly? I think you are over reacting. I have done it recently. Absolutely nothing in it. Same way I mix my kids up or call my mum by my cats name (Ooops). Just a reflex action. If this is the only thing worrying you, I'd let it go

No big deal at all OP don't worry!

It might feel hurtful but I think it doesn't necessarily mean anything in and of itself! I also get my cat and my son's name mixed up. Its just someone 'closeish to you' whose name you call/use alot.

I used to get upset when I was younger about a boyfriend doing this. Unfortunately in my case my reacion was a sign of my own lack of self-esteem, though I didn't realise it at the time ...

I don't think it indicates anything bad. It's just an ingrained habit.
I know it's hard to feel loved after a bad relationship, and taking it slowly as you are is great.
Try not to let your feelings race ahead, either creating perfection or hell in your mind. And at the same time promise yourself to keep alert for red flags too. It's a bit of a balancing act, but you know in your hear of hearts that you will never let yourself go back to where you have been in the past.

I've done this about 800 million times to my husband, who to his credit, has never been upset about it. He's said it actually reassures him, that he 'occupies the spot in my mind where [my] ex used to be' if that makes sense. Always made me feel better! Also: my name rhymes with his exes, so it's happened in reverse too!

Don't worry about it, it happens!

I don't think this is a big deal at all.

How long ago did they split? If it's less than 6 months minimum I'd distance yourself as he's almost certainly rebounding.

I had this with an ex during the early weeks. He called me by his "ex-wife's name" in an unguarded moment. I shrugged it off at the time. Turns out they were still living together

My sister did this with her current BF at the beginning. Before that she had been with a guy for 6 years and he had been her first boyfriend. I and other members of our family have also called her BF by her exes name for a while after they first got together. We all hated her ex cos he had been such a dick to her and really liked her new BF so always felt terrible about it but it was literally just habit. We definitely didnt have any positive feelings for him and i know my sister had moved on by that point. Dont read into it too much unless there are other issues or red flags like he constantly talks about her.

Hi,
Thanks for your replies. Yes, they split only about 6 weeks before we started seeing each other. He said it had been over for him for a while but it he had to really be sure before he left her. she hasn't taken it so well.

The part that's getting to me is that he doesn't accidentally call me by his cat/mates/colleagues names. I'd understand if he did and I'd laugh it off. I feel like I'd prefer he took some time to be alone before launching into something with me. He seems really keen and I suppose I am overwhelmed a bit and when these things happen I realise I like him but he is much more keen than I am.

I also used to called my husband by the name of a guy I worked with when we first got together quite often. There was definitely absolutely no feelings involved but it was just a case of a name I was used to saying regularly at work and it was one syllable like my husband's name (imagine similar to Ross/Sol) so sometimes when calling for my now husband I would say my colleague's name. Obviously had stopped by the time we got married though!

Ive done this and had it done to me. Its so embarrassing

Being very keen shortly after a break up is something to be wary of, whatever name he calls you. I'd take some space in your position I think. Sounds like your instincts are right so don't let him go pushing you into something you don't want.

x-post with OP's latest.

Didn't realise you got together just 6 weeks after he split from his ex. In that case I wouldn't write him off but would tread carefully and just keep an eye out for any other signs that he may not be over her. It could just be out of habit because it's so soon though and still may not actually mean anything but if there are any signs that it might (like he is still in contact with her) then I'd be out there like a shot.

I've done it during sex - fortunately my then boyfriend didn't seem to mind too much and we've been married over 30 years now .

15 years in, DH and I still call each other our first spouses name occasionally! I also call my 3 DCs partners their Xs names!

It means nothing.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks 😂* *
Me too! Even called my son his friends name 😳

I've personally never called my DH of 8 years by my exes name, and never did it with any other exes before that.

As a kid I was often called one of the other siblings names (as were they), I know kids at school who called the teacher mum or dad (and were mocked).

I do think that it's entirely possible to do it without having any feelings for the ex still, but 6 weeks IS a really short time so perhaps cool it off a little, slow it down a bit, but don't all the way.

TRUST YOURSELF. If this makes you uncomfortable, that's okay. Do whatever makes you comfortable. Maybe you're not ready to move on. I know leaving my abusive ex left me quite mistrustful for quite some time.

My mother does it to my dp all the time. I split with my ex 15 years ago and have been with dp nearly 14 years. After all these years i think it's an anxiety thing - the more she worries about using the wrong name the more it pops out. My dp just laughs about it

I get BIL and their cat mixed up all the time, no idea why, their names are in no way similar! But I've never called dh by an exes name, and I'd be hurt if he did it to me.

6 weeks isn't long to move from one relationship to another.

Trust your gut.