Advice needed: few friends and never been in a relationship

[Grace103]

Hi everyone

I am new and have created an account because I need some advice. I do not have children so I hope it's ok for me to post here, I didn't know what else to do!

I am 23 years old and have never been in a relationship. I have never kissed a boy (the opportunity has never presented itself), no-one has ever told me that they like me and I have never been asked out. I have a professional job so I have been to university and nothing ever happened for me there.

I went to an all girls school where unfortunately I was bullied quite badly and due to this I don't have any friends from school. At university, my life changed and I was lucky enough to make some friends during my first year and I felt my life was finally becoming 'normal'. However, during the summer after first year my mother was diagnosed with cancer and I became very depressed, withdrawn and anxious. I didn't tell my friends (in hindsight I realise this was a mistake) and I lost all of my friends apart from 1 girl who I am still in touch with.

I chose to come home after university rather than going to London (this was my plan) due to my mums health. I am an only child so I feel the need to support her and she and I are very close, probably due to the fact that I haven't had many friends growing up so we do everything together.

I live in a rural county and there are not many young people in this area and even less young professionals. There is not even a city or a motorway in the county that I live in!

Whenever I do meet someone around my age (a boy or girl), they are always in a long term relationship/engaged/married and it makes me feel very alone. It makes finding a potential partner difficult but also it is difficult to make friends - people have a friendship group and a significant other so are not really looking for new friendships/relationships.

I am attracted to men (I know you may think I am asexual but I am not) and at university I lived with a boy that I really liked and I developed a huge crush on him. He was the first boy I ever liked and, I know it sounds really sad, but even though I haven't seen him in over 2 years I still feel the same and really like him. I never told him how I felt and now I look at his Facebook/instagram and I wonder whether things would have turned out different if i had the guts to tell him how I felt. I know that sounds pathetic but I just can't get over him. Unfortunately, he never liked me and he used to talk about this 'girl from home' that he really liked. They have now been in a relationship for 3 years and I can tell that she is perfect for him. I am pleased for him but from a selfish point of view it makes me sad that he didn't like me back.

Anyway, that is my background. I am looking for advice about what to do. I would really like a boyfriend as I want to be in a relationship (I want to be someone's number 1 and for them to be mine) and my dream is to have a family and I'm so scared it won't happen for me.

Do you think there is something wrong with me because I have never been asked out/in a relationship etc?

Everyone who is young where I work has a group of friends outside work and is in a relationship/engaged/married. I am very lonely as in the evenings/weekends I just go home so things with my parents. I never do anything with prople my own age.

There are not a lot of events/clubs/opportunities for young people in my county so I don't know where I could meet people (I have done a lot of research) who are in a similar position to me. I go to networking events for young people and everyone, again, is settled and in a relationship and are not looking to make friends.

I guess my problem is that I don't have many friends to meet people through. I have no friends from my school days and I would say that I have 2 friends. A girl from my first school (we occasionally text each other- she works in London) and my friend from university (but she was a foreign student and lives abroad). They both have their own set of really close friends so I think I value them more than they value me if that makes sense.

Thank you for taking the time to read the above and I look forward to receiving any advice from you!

Have you looked at meetup.com? There are generally events of all types going on for people with different interests and some specially for single people.

Meeting new people can be difficult at any age. I moved away from London a few years ago for work and only really started making good friends when I did an adult education course in the evenings and took up volunteering once a week.

I think you need to separate making friends and finding a partner though. Have you ever done any online dating? I'd say it's a fairly failsafe way to find SOMEONE for that first date/kiss etc even if they don't turn out to be the love of your life (saying that I met DH online 13 years ago!).

Work out what's most important for you and put yourself out there with your head held high - you sound like someone who has their head together!

Dating sites? Look for young men who has studied engineering subjects, there might be quite a few who find themselves in your position. Try to pursue your own interests or as the above poster said: "work out what's most important for you and put yourself out there with your head held high."

OP you sound like a wonderful, sensitive, thoughtful, kind and smart person. I was like you- 23 and had never gone on a date or kissed a boy (several overwhelming crushes though) and when I was 24 I met my future husband and never looked back. We have been together for 27 years and 3 kids, but before I met him I thought I would never find someone. I definitely thought there was something wrong with me, as everyone else had no trouble meeting multiple boyfriends! I was so upset and sensitive about it that I never talked to anyone about it, not even my close friends.

I have one other thought. It is wonderful that you have such a close relationship with your mum and such a lovely family, but if you ever feel like you are narrowing your life by staying with them and that you would like to have an adventure, I really think that you should not feel like you need to stay for your mother's sake. You can still be close and supportive even if you decide to live somewhere else, and all good parents want their precious children to have the chance to move away and find their owner lives, while still keeping the security of mum and dad at home. Would you be interested in studying more? or in any one of many opportunities there are for young people to travel and work abroad?

I am sorry to hear about your mum. What is her health like now? It seems that you are giving up your life to live in a backwater with no social life. You are young and keen to live so that seems a shame.

Thank you everyone for your replies! I really appreciate it that you have all taken the time to respond and I am grateful for your advice.

It seems like putting myself out there on online dating websites may be the way forward. I will look into this.

Mums health has unfortunately deteriorated in the past month. We've found out that her cancer has now spread to two other organs. This is obviously very upsetting and therefore I don't feel I can leave home at the moment because I think we are in for a rough time and I need to be around to support her. I do sometimes feel that I have given up some of my life to support her but I have no regrets because I feel I've done the right thing by her.