Divorcing a narcissist

[focusonthegreengrass]

I found out a few months ago that my husband has been leading a double life possibly for about 8 years. He has worked away 5 days a week and only come home at weekends. We have been together 24 years married 18 and have 3 children aged between 8 and 12. I found a long stream of intimate text messages, filed for divorce together with a threat of an occupancy order and he is gone. Problems since he left

1. He denied adultery to his family even though it is very clear that he is still with OW. I have spoken to his family to set them straight as they kept saying to me "he is devastated" " he wants to reconcile" which put me under more pressure. I have also recently revealed to him that I have copies of the messages and he has now stopped denying it to me. Zero remorse though for years of extreme emotional abuse and some physical abuse.

Before anyone comments on privacy, I needed those messages as I was in counselling for 8 years thought he had depression or stress and I thought I needed to help him. The catalyst for looking at the messages was finding some female clothes including underwear in the place where he lives mid week. Please don't come back with harsh comments, I once tried to post here before when I was trying to leave last year before I found all of this out and I couldn't take it. I may be over sensitive but I have been through a lot.

1. He is being horrendous through the divorce process. He rejects every proposal to move forward eg rejects valuers demands different ones. Wants every stick of furniture and item in the house valued (is this normal?)My legal bill for August alone is £18k. He said at the beginning that he wanted to be amicable but he is being high conflict. He is aggressive, angry and a narcissist.

Is there any benefit in my writing to him to say It is now high conflict. Yes my legal team can handle it as they are v strong. However we are losing money that could be spent on our children's future. My health is suffering, my hairdresser says that my hair is falling out, I have lost 11kg and I am underweight. I am waiting for sti results as I have had to get tested due to all of this. I am in charge of the children 99% of the time and I need to focus on them. Any existing goodwill or hope of getting on is being dissipated fast. We ideally need to be able to get on as co-parents. His blocking requests and requests to have all furniture etc valued (not just large items) are costing money and goodwill. Would a letter containing these points help or make him worse?

Keep posting here if it helps. There are a few of us regular posters have narc exes.

I always remind myself that they are empty shells of beings, they have no sense of remorse or consequence. They hate themselves. It makes me feel sorry for my ex. He'll never know the love our child really brings. (He hasn't bothered with her in 6 years much to my relief)

It also reminds me there is no point engaging with them. You never get the response you want. They are incapable.

It's awful OP and few people around you will actually get it.
I did the same as others here - I left with barely anything and moved out / on as quickly as possible. When I say moved on, I'm still suffering immensely after nearly two years but I stopped letting him have control. When he wanted to exert his influence by saying for example "you're not having x furniture" I'd say " ok then that's ok, you keep all of it and I'll get some new". Has cost money but shortened a drawn out battle.
He has no power over me now. And my DC are beginning to stand up to him too.
You'll do this. Think short term loss, long term only gains.

Good advice on here.

Think about what matters. I have replaced all the furniture in my house as I associated it with him. It has taken several years, but between that and painting the house, I am slowly re-gaining the space.

You say that if you give in on the furniture, he will know that pushing you works. The furniture does not matter, though - all he is doing is bleeding you dry, so there are no resources when it comes to the things that do matter.

Sit down and work out where your boundaries are as regards what is important - what are your objectives? You don't have to fight on his lines, just be clear on your own.

Most important is to get out the situation and get him out of your head, but there will be other lines in the sand. You should speak to your solicitor about what is the best way of bringing things to a conclusion and meeting your needs. £18k would have furnished your house new and then some. I have been to court twice with that money. I am in a different jurisdiction, though and the system is different - I decided to raise a court action after four years of not managing to divorce and mounting legal bills. It is a nightmare, but truly, don't sweat the small stuff. New life, new furniture.

The other thing is to try and reorient your mind forwards. Yes, you have had a hellish time and he is at fault for the divorce, but you can leave that baggage on the table, don't carry it with you into your new life. Focus on getting out and looking forward. If you think of it as leaving a swamp and walking into a meadow, you don't carry the swamp in your mind, however much he tries to keep you there mentally. You keep walking away from the swamp!

I agree re having a fresh start with the furniture. Originally ex wanted half the furniture. When we had to sell up I offered him all the furniture as I was downsizing and he didn't want it! He just wanted the battle over it.

When I moved I didn't want anything with memories so I sold nearly all of it.

Thanks to all of you who posted, you have helped me a lot. I found out yesterday that I am anaemic which is great news, hoping to get new energy levels soon and already feeling more positive. Not all of the 18k was on furniture discussions, a lot was on form e submission and questions. I have decided he can go ahead and do his worst on the furniture as many of you said let it go and start again. Part of it was not wanting to give an inch as he will get stronger and there are many rounds of discussions yet to come but yes I need to balance this against cost and more crucially mental health. I am very encouraged that so many have come up against similar men and managed to get out successfully, thanks for sharing your advice and approaches. Best wishes to you all.

Best wishes to you focus. It's really time to not care about the little things. Take care of you, get the anaemia sorted and ignore him as much as possible.

When I saw texts from the narc ex I ignored them yes, but I would also do the two fingered tap dance at the phone (think snoopy dancing whilst flicking the v sign )

On a serious note, I would advise some therapy or counselling at some point. You go through phases. Relief, anger (sometimes prolonged trauma) then serenity perhaps. I have cognitive dissonance now after 6 years on. Like it wasn't even me living that life, it was someone else. It's the serene bit, I quite like it, even though it feels a bit weird.

you need to read the blog for H G Tudor. now. He is one of them . It will open your eyes. Do it now.

Thanks Jeux I will aim for feeling equally serene one day in the not too distant future, sounds like a great place to be!
I am going for counselling and that is helping. Sometimes I look around and think that I haven't achieved much with my day but then I realise that I am still sane and that this sanity is taking huge energy to maintain!

Thanks nightgap I will check that out tomorrow so I don't get nightmares tonight!

I agree with PP, straight to form E. immediately! Go to court to force this if necessary. It will save you tens of thousands in the long run.

The form E declaration is only for transactions within the last 12 months. Assets disposed of more than 12 months ago will not be included. He may be drawing things out with furniture valuations to buy himself more time, it could be a smoke screen.

Please be aware, my settlement was less because of this. My solicitor told me early on to go to court promptly. I was still in shock and it took me 7 months to file for divorce. In that time many assets were lost. By the time the form E appeared it was over a year since we separated.
Please be careful.

Thanks Moving. Don't worry I filed immediately and without telling him first. We have FDR coming up so things are progressing and -my new mantra- IT WILL END!

There'll be an end, OP.
For me, I've been in my own house and divorced for a year now, separated for nearly two. The primary aged DC live mostly with me (11/14 nights) and we are settled and happy here.

But for me, this is now where I have to dig deep and hang on to who I am, as it's now that the trauma can find it's way in. I'm continuing counselling but it's been a shock to me how much it's taken out of me. Like others I'm a different person now. Divorce is REALLY hard, but also REALLY NECESSARY and I don't regret it for an instant.
Good luck 🦉

Place marking

Teabay thanks and it sounds as though you are doing great down the line. I was wondering about the trauma because I do feel that I am fairly numb now and not feeling as much rage as I should. I believe though that your brain only lets you feel as much as you can handle. I will look into more counselling. The person I have now is amazing at advice on the current day to day situation but addressing trauma would be a good goal. I have extremely tight hips when I am in yoga and I have read recently that you hold trauma in your hips. May sound ridiculous but I have thought I will work on loosening my hips as a goal in yoga in case it helps.

Great thread, really helpful.

we did form e and FDR, no mediation due to DA. Total cost about £15000. I got more than I would have asked for initially if we could have agreed that at the beginning. The FDR was very fair.
It took over 2 years. I used an online solicitor, never met them directly - I was thinking that this cost was high but £18,000 for one month!!!??? Maybe look around??
Objects can be replaced but time never can. Don't waste your energy feeding him or the solicitors by arguing over anything petty.

Thanks Twillow and that is reassuring that the FDR was fair!