I expect this will be long. Thanks to anyone who makes it through and takes time to reply. I'll try and speed it up by just setting out the facts quickly.
- abusive childhood which included horrible sexual abuse which affects me now.
-no longer have any contact with parents (perpetrators) sibling relationships are strained and kind of just "exist" rather than anything solid.
-married ten years with two small children to a man who I love deeply. He's always been my fun, drama free escape.
- stresses of life and two children later, our relationship is unrecognisable and has taken a turn for the worst the past two years.
I have always had issue with sex. In the early days of our relationship I was able to maintain a relationship and a healthy sex life. Prior I had never managed to have both. Was either emotionally invested but couldn't have sex, or was meaningless sex and nothing more.
However, our sex drive has always been mismatched and as time has gone on with having the children we basically just don't. In the years gone by DH never nagged or put me under pressure. But I understand that he is now at the end of his patience and is unsatisfied. He feel unloved - I am tired and busy and I withdraw from showing affection because I feel Under pressure of the expectation of sex and the inevitable falling out when I say no. I want to have a healthy sex life with my husband but it's like a mental block. I am due to start therapy this month and I will finally try to deal with this but I think it's too little too late in terms of it benefiting my relationship but I know I need to do it for myself too as the cycle of ignoring my issues and then it coming to a head again- huge anxiety, nightmares etc.
I feel that my safe place has gone. DH has always found it hard to deal with my emotions. When I finally broke down and spelled out what my issue was, he quizzed me about the specifics of the abuse, like he was trying to determine "how bad" it was. He often just walks away from me. This hurt so much. He always comes back to apologise and say he loves me but i feel let down and I'm not sure I can forgive how he reacted . I feel emotionally exhausted from trying to explain myself ..... how I feel.. that all relationships suffer with small children and that I'm just trying to survive these years etc.
We are almost at logger heads. He thinks if we have sex more, our relationship will be a happy one and improve. I think we need to fix our relationship (we argue all the time now) and the sex will follow. I can't have sex with someone I feel absolutely infuriated with. Sometimes I'm so I dunno. I don't even know if I like him anymore. Then we will have a good spell and I remember why I love him so much. Our home life is not a happy one. This breaks my heart as it's so far from what once was. He had a milestone birthday and seemed to hit a "peak" and suddenly his dissatisfaction was intensified and it's all been horrible since basically.
I wish I could spend time with him and we could cuddle and kiss without being made to feel like a disappointment for not following through to sex. So I avoid him. He says he feels alone and unloved and that it'll never get better and his frustration just oozes out into our lives. We have stressful jobs and various things on going in life which just add to the situation too.
Sometimes when I get stressed I tell him to just go. That I don't make him happy so just go. I put on a brave face and act like I don't care but I do. Of course. He says we don't have a relationship and I think it comes down to the fact we both love each other so much but is it just dead in the water? Neither of us want to leave but we aren't happy are we.
We had a row the other night and I said I couldn't spend my life living of edge worrying about him leaving and that he made vows. That I accept my part in this failure but I'm trying and I'm going to get help and he either needs to stand by me or go. He said he wants sex but he doesn't want to be alone. I keep playing this over in my head now.
Additionally I have never ever felt an ounce of worry about the solidity of our relationship, someone close to us recently had a massive affair and he said things like he could see how it would happen etc, and now I feel angry inside that I feel there's a seed of doubt that's been planted. Like if I don't start having sex the amount he wants soon he'll find someone else. He knows if he ever cheats I will never forgive. Especially not when I've given him ample chances to leave if he's unhappy.
I want us to survive but I also don't want to ruin his life by keeping him in an unhappy marriage if I'm ultimately not the right person for him. He says he loves me and he doesn't want to split. Sometimes he cries. I feel a cruel person. Making him feel like this. But I cannot help these issues deep inside of me.
I don't feel like I know him anymore, like I can't read him. There's resentment on both sides. I feel let down and I'm frustrated by how our parenting is because we are both frustrated with life. I want a happy home. If I could flick a switch and be better and a normal and be the wife he wants I would.
Anyways. That was long despite my attempts. He used to be such a calm and funny man who just made light bright. I think I've made him depressed and he suffers some anxiety suddenly. I think I've ruined his onde unconditional love for me and I am scared at where we will end up. Either alone, or trundling on for years in an happy marriage.
So. There we go. I hope I haven't drip fed, and I'm not sure what I'm asking. Maybe I just need some reassurance of some sort.