What to do when your husband just doesnt seem to fancy you...

[MrsOpinionated]

I love dh so much but we've got into a rut. It doesn't help that I've recently developed a crush on someone else but I'm trying to be good and invest time and effort into my marriage....

The problem is I just don't think dh fancies me anymore. He never initiates intimacy (and hasn't for ages) and when I've discussed it with him he says it will change but it never does. When we are sexual I feel like he is doing it just for me. This is confirmed by the last 4 or 5 times when we have been sexual it took him ages to become erect whereas before it took no time at all.

A lot of other men find me attractive but my husband doesn't! It's really depressing. Any advice?

Are you sure your dh isn't having ED issues? What did he say when you talked about the lack of intimacy?

No I'm pretty confident he hasn't got ED issues as he hasn't initiated for a very long time and way before the erection issues. I feel it's like he doesn't fancy me and his body is saying no! It happened again tonight and I'm trying hard to forget about my crush and work on my marriage but when this happens again it really doesn't help.

He says we've never been massively sexual which is true but I would like some intimacy! I just don't think he sees me like that anymore. He says he does but actions speak louder than words. We've had quite a few discussions about why he never initiates etc, he finds excuses and says it will change but then months later it hasn't.

You say you've never been that sexual. Does he have a low sex drive? Do you have affection in your marriage?

I've always had quite a low sex drive. He never used to but now he seems to be even lower than me! It just feels awkward now.

We do have affection in the marriage.

Have you asked him f there's anything he'd like to try together, sexually?

Do you see him like that? As in, do you fancy your DH and want to shag him? Or are you just suddenly feeling more sexual because you have a crush on OM?

I've been talking to him a long time about this. The crush is very recent in the last couple of weeks. Yes I do fancy dh. The frustrating part is that a lot of men find me attractive but dh just doesn't seem to see me in a sexual way. I don't know how to resolve it.

I get what your saying....same with me and hubby.....I fancy him loads and he says he fancies me but he never makes any attempt to want a sexual relationship with me. Gets me down lot and effects my self confidence....apart from that I love being married to him ....not sure what to do...don't want to look elsewhere...he says he loves me and very cuddly kissing etc but doesn't go further apart from me ripping his clothes off I don't really know how to approach this issue...it feels like an elephant in the room ir me anyway I don't think he notices...in the past I have brought the subject up and he says okay lets make more effort.....and then nothing....so I do understand

Oh god this is me this evening.

Except well I think we have a sexless marriage. Maybe sex every 2 months

This evening I tried and he said not to touch him as it makes him horny.

I told him he's breaking me as a woman. I told him other men would want me. Except I don't want anyone else. And I'm now crying myself to sleep.

I feel cross and angry - I actually want to hit him and push him away from me. I feel so rejected.

Oh dear, my advice was "go and develop a crush". It's really highlighted to me how I'd like my DH to make me feel (desired, desirable) and the qualities I would like to see him display (smiling, humour) and, well, it's fun, y'know. Thinking. About stuff.

It doesn't help FIX anything but it scratches an itch.

But I can see you and I are already in that "Well, this feels nice but let's try and inject some of this back at home" with a man to whom I am invisible. I grew out my hair, lost weight, hit the gym, got the ass and the abs and dressed better, and it worked a treat because yeah, now I get male attention and I feel really confident and pretty. And the only one I was trying to impress never looks up.

I just spend more time with my crush.

Probably not going to help in the long run.

I've suggested an open relationship.

I guess I'm not exactly full of good advice, but basically - I feel for you. It's a tough situation to be in, but in the end, we only live once...

I had same issue. I won't go into the whole story, but we ended up both being unfaithful. He knew about mine as I had his consent, but I didn't know about his 4 year affair. Sex stopped about 6 years ago - his decision, if you can call it that. Recently in a sad phone call he admitted he had stopped finding me attractive 6 years ago, something he would never admit to before because he says he knew I would leave. I don't know what to say. But 8 months on I'm in a better place. I couldn't go on, it eats away at you and that lack of confidence keeps you stuck. Looking back I wish I had of ended it 6 years ago, even though I always dreaded being a single parent. I think we may have got back together, but not now - all bridges are burned. Best of luck - but I don't think these things are ever easy to change.