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Relationships

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Original poster

Don't want sex

16 replies

Modestandatinybitsexy · 16/09/2017 21:43

I'm looking for some advice re: sex after birth.

I'm 14 weeks postpartum and DH is pretty desperate for some action. He doesn't pressure me per se but there have been some pa comments.

Trouble is I just don't fancy it. My body doesn't feel sexy, my boobs ache, my nipples are blistered and eczema-ry and I feel frumpy and to top it off I'm averaging 6 hours sleep, none of it in a continuous period. I end and whenever DS is not attached to me I would rather sleep.

We've had sex once at 8 weeks which was uncomfortable and another failed try at 11 weeks which was painful. Do I just need to make an effort to get past this? How do I want it more?

OP posts:

user1497997754 · 16/09/2017 23:55

Why don't you suggest oral sex instead for both of you....I am sure he will oblige and you can reciprocate ....

elephantoverthehill · 17/09/2017 00:08

If is that how you feel, your Dp should respect and understand it. Dp is obviously aware of your sleep patterns and supports you through the night feeds by bringing you cups of tea etc. Isn't he?

Carouselfish · 17/09/2017 00:35

Try 2 years PP! And still the idea grosses me out! Luckily I'm single! I don't understand how that can be top of a guy's list of priorities with a new baby unless he's just feeling all insecure that you don't love him any more because you've got a child to love now?! In which case, show him love in other ways and maybe throw him the occasional hj or bj?

CardsforKittens · 17/09/2017 00:44

I liked lots of cuddles and sexual stuff without pressure for full sex at first. I was exhausted but wanted to get myself back to something more 'normal', and for me part of that was being sexual. But everyone is different and if you don't feel it, you don't feel it. Your partner needs to respect that. Passive-aggressive pressure is never sexy. Have you told him how you feel? He needs to demonstrate that he understands how you feel. If he won't make the effort to understand you, why should you make the effort to gratify him?

Original poster

Modestandatinybitsexy · 17/09/2017 04:20

We've had conversations about how shitty I feel in general and especially how when he negatively comments it increases pressure and doesn't help me feel close. Problem is is that he then backs right off and that doesn't help me feel close to him either.

I would love some non sexual contact first but he seems incapable of this without ramping up and getting frustrated that I don't immediately respond. We have done "other stuff" but I feel kind of resentful that I have to do this for him when I just feel heavy and cold where I should feel excitement.

He is supportive and he used to do more when we combination fed but he drives for work so we agreed he would sleep from 12am-6am. Although DS has screwed up the amount he can help before work by wanting to be fed around 7am and DH needs to leave by 8am.

Sorry - mammoth update!

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 17/09/2017 06:23

He shouldn't be making passive aggressive comments or trying to pressure you

You don't owe him sex and it's completely acceptable to say no

highinthesky · 17/09/2017 06:28

You don't owe him sex and it's completely acceptable to say no

Whilst I agree, the marriage vows make the expectations that sex between 2 people is both expected and exclusive.

Shoxfordian · 17/09/2017 08:16

This is true high and I think if you were in a position where you never envisaged ever wanting sex again then you'd have to consider whether it was fair to be in the relationship

However it is reasonable to not want sex if pregnancy was difficult and the birth was difficult so a break for a while in the circumstances shouldn't be an issue

f83mx · 17/09/2017 10:19

Whilst I agree, the marriage vows make the expectations that sex between 2 people is both expected and exclusive

@high - even is it is painful and unwanted - it is to be expected? really?

Rheged · 17/09/2017 10:25

Nobody should 'expect' sex from anyone else. Married or not.

Huskylover1 · 17/09/2017 11:21

In which case, show him love in other ways and maybe throw him the occasional hj or bj?

You don't owe him sex and it's completely acceptable to say no

Nobody should 'expect' sex from anyone else. Married or not

I predict 3 marriages right here ^^ that will crash and burn.

Look, he's had sex twice in 14 weeks. Quite frankly, I'd be more concerned if he wasn't gagging for it. I don't know what the answer is (other than time to heal), but you can't be annoyed that a guy wants sex with his wife. Of course he does.

Original poster

Modestandatinybitsexy · 17/09/2017 14:17

Husky technically it's only been 1 & 1/2 times. I understand his frustration but I don't know what I can do to want it more.

OP posts:

CardsforKittens · 17/09/2017 14:35

It sounds like you've told him what would help you, and he's refusing to accept it. I agree with PP that sex is important in most marriages, but it's very common for sex to be much less frequent for many months after childbirth. A decent man will understand this and will want to make sure his wife is comfortable both physically and emotionally during any sexual activity. You're not just an object for him to fuck; you're his life partner. And you've spent the last few months growing a person in your body. You both have to make all kinds of adjustments, and sex is one of them. If he can't approach physical contact in a way that feels good to you, it's hardly surprising that you don't want to have sex with him.

RonSwansonsMoustache · 17/09/2017 20:46

I predict 3 marriages right here ^^ that will crash and burn.

So you expect OP to have sex with him even though it's painful for her, and most importantly, even though she doesn't want to?

Since when does marriage mean sex is obligatory? I can't imagine wanting to have sex when I'm breastfeeding a newborn, I'm 14 weeks PP and shattered from broken sleep. If DP thought he was entitled to sex regardless, I would tell him to get to fuck!

But he wouldn't expect sex, because he understands that a) it's MY choice and b) he's a decent human being who wouldn't expect anyone to have sex if it meant them being in pain, upset or uncomfortable!

Cantchooseaname · 17/09/2017 21:02

It will get better- you'll start to get a little bit more sleep, introducing solids for us meant the breast feeding dropped (yes, not til past 6 months,) but 14 weeks is no time really.
Your husband may want sex, but that doesn't entitle him to it.
You will want to again, at some point. It doesn't have to be today.
My periods came back at about a year, and that made a difference to me wanting sex.
When I did night feeds, any point my head was on a pillow without my nipple in a baby's mouth I just wanted to close my eyes.

foxyloxy78 · 17/09/2017 21:12

It is not unusual to not want it after birth. Just give yourself time and it will work itself out. Don't try to push yourself before you're ready.

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