I dont fit in

[snoopcatt]

Name change because I dont want to be recognised.

I've been with my partner for around 6 months, we met at work, I work in admin and he's a doctor (neurologist). We have very different backgrounds, he's highly educated, well travelled and finantially sound and I'm a single mum working minimum wage and living in a rented house.

That didnt matter to him and as time went on I realised it didnt matter to me either, he certainly didnt make an issue out of it or even suggest anything about it.

Anyway we don't live together but have been seeing alot of each other lately, he booked us a weekend away for the first time for instance so we thought we'd have a night out to celebrate.

I dont have many friends, none that would come out anyway as they're always skint. So we went out with a couple he knew, they seemed lovely at first but as we sat down to dinner it had never been more apparant how different I was to them, I couldn't join in their conversations, I felt embarrassed when discussing my own situation and I could see them looking at each other and looking at my partner in a kind of "what the hell are you doing with someone like that?" kind of way.

He didnt see anything wrong with the evening other than the fact that I was quiet (had little choice!) but I came away feeling terrible about myself, I feel like I've been kidding myself and this is never going to work.

He's now suggested that we go for dinner to his parents house before our weekend away, his brothers and sisters will be there and they live in a posh area so will probably be like his friends. My stomach turned at the thought of it, I can't go through with it but I feel that this is the turning point now, if I dont go to this meal I think I'll have to finish the relationship which I dont really want to do.

Am I being stupid about it all?

discuss it with him - i'm sure he'll be able to put your mind at rest

Don't do yourself down snoop! Your DP is with YOU because he wants to be with YOU!

So what (and I know it can hurt and seem like a big deal) if anyone rich or poor, intellectual or not, thinks you shouldn't be together.

Do you love this man?

Hold your head up high and know that he's with you because he wants to be!

Yes.

Step outside the bubble. I know its hard, and you feel awkward, but, given time I think you will be just fine. You need to realise that whatever someones status/class/wealth/situation there are introverts, extroverts etc. Soon enough you will feel confident in talking about htings that interest you, and not feel that you are a misfit.

if you really like him, its worth sticking with.

Just make sure you are ALWAYS polite, you SMILE alot, and you should be fine. (Us quiet ones often are seen as rude, when in fact we are just shy/introvert).

I can see why these things might loom very large at the moment, but you have to give the relationship a chance. You are no better or worse than any of these other people, try not to feel that they are your superiors. OK, you come from different backgrounds but you certainly shouldn't feel embarassed about your circumstances. Definitely discuss it with your partner.

Could it just be that his friends are rude and perhaps not w=very nice people who are into status?

Perhaps his family are much more like him and don't think that wealth and status are that important?

Hey, I'm a single mum, used to work for minimum wage and ATM struggling to find a job, and in a local authority house...

And I have just as much right as anyone else to open my mouth and speak my mind.

If you like this man, trust his judgement, and trust that he has judged you as a good partner to himself. There is nothing, nothing about you that makes you an unworthy partner for anyone. You are good company, and that is all most people want, at the end of the day. Most people worth knowing, anyway.

Snoopcat, if we were all the same life would be pretty boring wouldn't it? Sounds like to me you need more confidence in yourself. It is always difficult to chat to people you do not know since you do not know much about each other anyway.
MarsLady is right, enjoy your partner like he enjoys you and be yourself! People will like you if you are just natural.

They wernt actually rude, they were quite polite to be honest, it's just that whenever I said anything about my current situation they looked really uncomfortable and seemed to look at me with pity, kind of like in the olden days (or in some cases the present day!) when people saw a disabled person they would look away out of 'politeness' rather than seeing the person as an ordinary human. I dont know, maybe I'm being paranoid. I can just imagine them saying to him later "why her??" and I can imagine his mum saying "shouldnt you be setting your sights a little higher?"

Just because you didn't get on with one set of his friends , doesnt mean his other friends will be just as bad.

If his family are as nice as he are, you'll be fine with them.

He sounds like a top bloke, and will probably introduce you to things you wouldn't other wise experience. With time, you won't worry about joining in converstions with his pompus friends.
He obviously really likes you.

o-kaaaay

You are right, people did used to look away if they saw a disabled person, but that didn't mean everyone did, and it didn't mean those that did were right to do so, and it didn't make those disabled people any less worthy, did it?

So, applying that line of thought to your situation now - are you less worthy because anyone thinks you are?

You need to chat to your partner about this and then maybe he'll realise what your friends mean and then ditch you.. Only joking, it is really their problem and not yours, if they cannot handle someone in a different situation to theirs. Given the little you have said I think people should be impressed by how you manage in your circumstances. Let them try it!

I dont know snoopcatt. Part of me <span class="italic">really</span> hopes that he is lovely and it will all work out. But I think its weird that he tried to make out his friends didnt do anything wrong. Its easy to spot this kind of atmosphere. Im <span class="italic">very</span> aware of people who try to say that things are in my mind, or that Im exaggerating when I know thats how I felt.
You felt uncomfortable at the meal, and he should have considered your feelings- it doesnt matter whether <span class="italic">he</span> thinks there wasnt a problem.
Also, if we want to find out about what kind of person someone is, a very good clue is to look at who their friends are.

My advice is enjoy the relationship but tread carefully. And watch out for him "negating" your feelings in the future, or saying "it wasnt as bad as that", "youre too sensitive". Only YOU know how you feel, and your feelings are important and valid.

but to counter Sakura's advice, I have occasionally told my husband that I felt his friends didn't like me. He told me not to be daft and they thought I was great, turns out that I "was" actually being a bit over sensitive and now some of them are my best friends.
Like you I don't have a lot of confidence and this makes me think that everyone looks down on me/doesn't like me when in fact I am making a big problem out of nothing, it's self protection 'they won't like me so I'm not going to say anything/try and be friendly because I'll only look silly'.
Self-fulfilling prophecy there methinks.

you sound lovely, hold your head up and smile, he sounds like a great catch!

be proud of yourself. People only pity if you let them I say. You give it away in your first sentence ' he's highly educated, well travelled, Im a single mum...' If you have the type of relationship where you are dumbing yourself down and building him up Id say get out now. If you dont have that sort of relationship but its just when youre with his friends I say learn to shout about what you are good at e.g. managing to juggle working with caring for a child single handedly ... how many people could do that.

Sometimes if I'm out with DH and worried I'll be 'out of my depth' I have to say to him "you need to take care of me tonight, I'm not comfortable". He then knows to include me, find me if I'm not with him, make sure I'm ok. Sounds obvious I know. I'm a sahm, and experience has led me to feel I've less to offer conversationally. I always walk in with a big smile and pretend I'm confident. It usually pays off. Tell him how you feel. Oh, and I try to read the paper that day too.

I'm afraid the meal with is family is just something you have to do. You can help out, sometimes I find 1:1 over the pots easier than being sat at the dining table with everyone.

If it helps, the first time I met DH's parents and sisters was to introduce them to their grandchild. Now THATS pressure

It sounds like he's pretty keen on you to be introducing you to his friends and family. What do you like about him? Has he met your family/friends and if so how did it go? It's quite stressful meeting a new partners friends/family. If he really cares about you it won't bother him if you seem a bit quiet in these difficult situations.

It sounds as if you need to believe in yourself more.
I met my DP's 'posh' sister last weekend and her 'well to do' DH.
They were really really nice, despite the fact I had been caught off guard and looked pretty grim even by my standards!
The rest of his family are nuts
The fact is that unless they have been very very lucky, everyone has had to start somewhere and if they don't have the good grace to keep their looks to themselves then I wouldn't waste my time thinking about them!

IMO its more about self confidence than whether or not your a single parent, which is an achievement in itself, ie you don't 'need' him as such and he doesn't 'need' you, you are both together because you want to be.

You may find that as you get to know them more, you get on better as you find more common interests/ feel more at ease with each other. He's obv. very keen on you. Keep smiling!