I don't think DD can say no to her fiancé?

[MichelGarnier]

Looking for advice. DD (30s) lives with her DF. These are not necessarily big examples but have made me go a bit . So eg, they come home from London at least once a month (both us and ILs live in same area) but sometimes when we are together without her DF she will say she didn't actually want to come home this weekend, she would have preferred another time but it's what he wanted. Recently they have been redecorating some rooms. She was showing me pictures and I said oh I thought you didn't like this colour/style and she said oh yes but DF likes it. (It is actually her name on the flat stuff, she inherited it from family.) I don't know if I'm reading too much into it or whether this kind of thing applies to their whole relationship.

I've been reading this board a bit and he doesn't fit the 'abuser' type of being charming etc, he is quite shy with us. Or is it that he doesn't actually push for his way, she just automatically does what he wants? She is very outgoing and determined, but maybe she is more vulnerable than I think. Can anyone offer any advice, or is there anything I can do? Should I not interfere?

Do you have a good relationship with your daughter? I think I would speak to her, you just need to be very careful how you approach it. Mention instances you've noticed and how you've been surprised by her reaction to them. Ask her if she feels she can't assert herself with her fiance. Maybe she needs someone to talk about this to. This is a tough situation, and I would be concerned too.

I'm not liking the sound of this tbh OP

Me neither... :(

It's hard to tell from what you've said, to be honest. My mum went through a stage of saying something along those lines to me ("What do you want to do that for? That's not like you"). I gently had to point out to her that DH and I are quite different people and that while, yes, given a free choice of activity I may not have picked the one that we were doing that weekend, he also/often does all sorts of things that I want to do that he wouldn't choose to do himself. There's an element of compromise necessary in all successful relationships.

If it's more than that and he's controlling? Then obviously you should be worried. But from the examples you've given, I wouldn't leap to that conclusion.

Maybe she does some things to please him and he does some things to please her? Why do you think it's some form of abuse and not they have give and take on both sides?

Sounds like a combination/compromise of styles and tastes.

I didn't particularly want Star Wars pictures on my walls and DP didn't particularly want a psychopathic house rabbit, but here we are.

Do you like him? Your examples, as you admitted, don't really sound awful

Thanks all for replies. I think there is definitely an element of reading too much into it, I think I have been reading about the topic recently and want to check she is ok and perhaps being a bit overzealous/on the cautious side.

I think maybe she is saying it more than she used to, also she is saying it to me, I haven't asked her. So I will say "what are you doing this weekend?" and she will say we are coming back for X, though I would rather stay here. Or recently DF's DSis stayed with them while she did an internship in London. DD said she could stay for 1 month (they really don't have space for someone to stay more than 1/2 nights) but she stayed for 3 months because DF said it was fine, even though DD didn't want it. Sorry don't mean to drip feed.

I think partly she is just sounding off to her mum, which is fine.

My DM has insisted for most of my relationship that DH is abusive, 15 years in she still tells me that oneday I will realise how unhappy I am and leave him. I am not unhappy, our relationship has gone through the normal ups and downs. DM also points out what she thinks are abusiveor controlling relationships in others on a regular basis, which I think says more about her own past relationships than anyone elses.

I will generally side with DH in family discussions as otherwise it can feel like my family ganging up on him at times, but am perfectly capable of standing up to him and disagreeing with him one on one.

The main result of DMs insitence of abuse and control has been me distancing myself from her and not going her for support if we are having a tough patch as I know she will use it against him.

As others have said it could just be compromises if he/she mentions it again maybe just ask if he ever compromises on what he wants, but don't push it or mention abuse or control or you will just drive a wedge between you.

I'm sure my DM thinks my DP is controlling as I often do things he likes, or decorate a certain way as he likes it, but that's because I love him and I compromise. She would seeing it as controlling if I got my own way all the time though as that is how she is, and that's normal to her. But in a good relationship, you sometimes sacrifice your preference for that of your DPs. It's all give and take. So I don't see any red flags at all.