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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is a rubbish dad better than no dad

37 replies

MamaLeen · 16/09/2017 14:13

Yet again my dc has been let down by her dad today.
We have legally agree weekly visits for them but she is lucky if he turns up once a month.
I am fed up of seeing my dc angry and dc is starting to refuse to go but as it is court ordered she must.
My dp says a it's better than nothing at all.
I agree and it would take a lot for me to refuse contact as everyone needs a father.
I just dont know how to deal with this situation.
Anyone have any advice?

OP posts:

Movingon1611 · 16/09/2017 14:21

Personally I find my kids do a lot better when their dad disappears for a few weeks.
The constant wondering is he going to show or not etc left them in a very unsettled state. When he's off living his life and not trying to see them it's a much happier household.
Can you go back to court and ask them to review given how inconsistent he's been?

mindutopia · 16/09/2017 14:22

Speaking from experience as a child, no. Kids are healthier and happier when their parents don't hurt them and are much better off with one loving, nurturing parent than an extra one that's rubbish and inconsistent.

SilverdaleGlen · 16/09/2017 14:23

No better no parent than a feckless one. I'm learning that now

SerfTerf · 16/09/2017 14:23

No.

StarfishSeahorse · 16/09/2017 14:25

I don't see how a rubbish dad or mum is better than none.
Can someone explain to me please how a parent causing inner turmoil, emotional upset, hurt and anxiety in a child is better than them not being there at all?
It makes no sense to me.

Mombie2016 · 16/09/2017 14:28

Go back to court, tell them he isn't turning up for contact and ask for contact to be changed to far less.

ExH seemed to think he could Swan up every 6 weeks or so with no consistency. I disagreed. So did a judge. He has no contact now.

QuiteLikely5 · 16/09/2017 14:31

I would stop it and let him take you back to court.

opheliacat · 16/09/2017 14:31

There is an AIBU thread frothing over single mothers and the damage this does to children.

I disagree. Children need love but they also need stability.

So, no dad and it almost always is the dad

Pallisers · 16/09/2017 14:34

of course not. In no other sphere of life would anyone even say that sentence:

A rubbish husband is better than none
A rubbish best friend is better than none
A rubbish mentor is better than none

I don't think so. It might possibly be true that a rubbish meal is better than none if you are very hungry but probably irrelevant if the meal is rubbish because it doesn't turn up.

Go back to court maybe? Awful for your dd though as an absent dad leaves a hole but at least you can talk to her about it and deal with it instead of pretending he is a decent father - which must cause her some cognitive and emotional dissonance.

RafikiIsTheBest · 16/09/2017 14:37

I think it's pretty unanimous here OP. I too think no dad is better than a parent who can only be arsed to show up at a quarter of the time.
Think of all the things you could of been doing instead of waiting around for him and comforting your upset or dealing with a pissed off child. It's not fair on anyone and a judge will see that.
Keep a diary of when he does turn up and take him back to court. Your DC deserves better!

QueenBeex · 16/09/2017 14:39

No.

theabysswithin · 16/09/2017 14:51

opheliacat I also saw this thread and frankly was shocked at some of the attitudes on it. I know it was directed at an OP who was considering a sperm donor but still.

I also agree that one good, stable parent who puts the child's needs first is far better than a flaky dad (and it almost always is the dad) who comes and goes as he pleases, doesn't contribute financially, doesn't stick to agreed schedules or generally lets his kids down. I have experienced this first hand and observed it in a lot of cases.

A good, two-parent household is obviously the optimum but I would take issue with your comment that "everyone needs a dad". Plenty of children do very well in single parent households and removing a toxic parent from the mix will probably do wonders for your DC's self confidence and stability.

If the dad steps up and sorts his shit out by all means try to involve him in your child's life. But bending over backwards to accommodate on the basis that having a dad trumps anything else is not doing yourself or your DC any favours.

Joinourclub · 16/09/2017 14:54

Nope.

I'd reduce contact to monthly at most.

Are his parents decent grandparents?

Original poster

MamaLeen · 16/09/2017 16:30

Thank you everyone for your responces.
I know it sounds silly the question itself.
Maybe I am just living in hope one day he will shape up for our daughter.
I have also have a child with my partner and he is a great role model to my daughter. But you only get one dad.
My daughter has recently been referred to CALMS for anxiety and I am starting to think this instability is the reason.
I have text him to ask if he would like to reduce contact so it is less of a commitment. So I am waiting for a response.
Thanks again everyone for your advice

OP posts:

Original poster

MamaLeen · 16/09/2017 16:33

Joinourclub

It is his mother and step father. But they never forget her birthday or Xmas (like dad) And she always seen to come back so happy when she has seen them.
Its just the anxiety of will dad turn up that causes the stress.

OP posts:

opheliacat · 16/09/2017 16:36

Theabyss, i didn't say everyone needs a dad - did you mean someone else? Just checking!

Aquamarine1029 · 16/09/2017 16:41

My daughter has recently been referred to CALMS for anxiety and I am starting to think this instability is the reason.

Of course it is! Your child is constantly on an emotional rollercoaster wanting her dad to show up, only to be crushed again and again. And as with many children, she might very well blame herself for her father's lack of interest. She might think something is "wrong" with her, or maybe her dad just doesn't love her. It's fucking tragic. You should do whatever it takes to prevent him from hurting her like this.

opheliacat · 16/09/2017 16:44

Go easy Aqua

Lweji · 16/09/2017 16:54

How old is your dd?

Complicatedagain · 16/09/2017 17:59

Make sure you speak with the kids about what daddy said or did in order to paliate the damage he might have done by saying something hurtful...Make sure you know everything what's going on.

IrritatedUser1960 · 16/09/2017 18:01

What excuse is he giving you for this behaviour?

Original poster

MamaLeen · 16/09/2017 18:49

Aquamarine1029 I am very aware the situation my child is in. There is also more to that situation.
But frankly the law is the law. If I refuse access on a court ordered visit I am breaking the law.

Only one child is my ex partners. I have a child with my new partner who has been there for my daughter since she has been 3.
She is now 8.
Ex just doesn't communicate. It's always a migraine or something trivial.
If I try a dress anything he ignores my texts.

OP posts:

Movingon1611 · 16/09/2017 18:54

Keep all the texts and go back to court. Your daughter is suffering from anxiety largely, it sounds, due to the inconsistency of her father.
If he's been so flaky the court will change things I'm sure

Lweji · 16/09/2017 19:30

I agree. Keep as much as you can as record of his behaviour and get an assessment of your DD's anxiety issues. Put the case together and ask for a reassessment of the court order, as it's not working out for the child.
The court should work for the benefit of the child and not the parent.

SeaEagleFeather · 16/09/2017 21:17

But you only get one dad

Being a father takes one happy spasm.

Being a Dad takes commitment, effort and love.

Stability and reliability, consistency, matters so so so much to a tiny person. These need prioritizing over someone who jerks your daughter around.

Agreed with Lweji. Record, record and take it back to court.

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