I've come here to rant becausue I honestly feel like I am cracking up.
I've been with DH for 18 years and we have 2 dc age 11 and 7.
He's always been quiet and subdued but that was okay by me.
Since having our children the dynamics have changed massively and I'm not even sure who I am anymore. I feel like he makes me question my sanity.
He never helps around the house unless I ask him and then when I do Ask him I get comments about telling him what to do. I hate to ask him too, that's the ironic thing. He's 38 ffs. He knows what needs doing, he just chooses to ignore it.
He's never in our 18 years cooked me a meal. I know this sounds silly but it gets to me. I got home the other night after everyone else shattered and he's sat there waiting for me to come in and cook. His excuse I don't know how and I don't want to . Plus he will throw in that I'm fussy which I am but he knows what I like.
I'm currently at the end of a 3 year degree and be has been not one bit of help at all. He hasn't supported me when I've been up all hours trying to get work done and will still sit and watch me do everything. He will empty the bins and Hoover very occasionally and for some reason thinks that it's him running the house.
Now the issue with this is not what he won't do really. Yes it annoys me. I feel like have 3 children a lot of the time. It's his attitude if I ever have a moan about it. He's so aggressive.
I asked him the other night how I was going to finish my research proposal and be just shrugged so I suggested a cleaner for a while or can he just help me out. Start dinner, make lunches just anything without me having to ask and cause the bad feeling and be went mad.
This isn't the first time but it's slowly dawned on me that how he is just isn't right. He started punching the arm of the sofa and telling me I was blind to all the good stuff he does and only notice the bad and that if I want his fucking help I have to ask. To which I responded but when I do I get "told off" for telling you what to do. He called me a bitch and was just glaring at me. Remember trevor from eastenders? Exactly like that and I could feel my heart pounding as it had blown up from me just asking for a bit of help.
We argued last week too as again he came in from work and ignored me and the children all night just watching videos on his phone. I asked him to try and act like be did want to be here ( And yes I was angry) and again he blew up.
I'm not getting all this across how I want but in a nutshell. I question him or ask for help and he blows up. If I argue back he will twist things and make me feel like I am imagining stuff. I just know what I feel in my heart. This isn't right.
He only ever talks to me to moan. He only shows affection if he wants sex. I'm invisible to him.
I passed a huge part of my degree a few weeks ago and a part that had been stressing me out which he knew. Anyway that weekend my parents turned up with a bottle of champagne and a card and my sister a bouquet of flowers.
I didn't even get a well done from him. In fact the only thing he did say was " if you want me to treat you like a princess for an exam result, then you can piss off"
There are so many things he has done and said over the years
Abuse of porn. To the point it was worrying me... And guess what that's my fault too.
Smashing things up if I dare question him or complain... Yep my fault too. I push him to these things.
Lies about pretty significant stuff... Yeah you guessed it. My fault too.
In fact I don't think I have ever had an apology or admittance of fault. Everything is my fault.
I know deep down that I need to get away. But despite all of this I do love him. I just want him to love me back.
I don't want to break my family up and I'm not even sure I could do it all alone. However, the thought of another 30/40 years like this fills me with sadness and dread.
I should add I'm not a wallflower and I do argue back but when he explodes I find myself apologising. Even if what I said was right as I can't stand the bad feeling.