So confused about leaving

[Ifatfirst]

I've been with partner for 4 years. We have two children under 3. I am not happy and I don't love him. But I don't know whether it's because I'm depressed, or if being with him is making me depressed.

He's very overbearing, really loud. I'm an introvert. If I ever say anything he doesn't like he immediately becomes defensive. If we fall out over anything he twists and turns in to make it seem like it's either my fault or that I've imagined the fall out.

If that doesn't work he'll sulk, cry and pretend to be sick in the toilet.

He has alienated my key person at work (I have a business) so much so that he's leaving. I will be stuffed as now I need to take over the role on top of my own work. My employee is the most genuine hardworking person you could hope to meet and he took care of things for me whilst I was on maternity x 2, and does day to day running of the business. Now he's leaving. I know it's because of my partner as employee told me. Partner would purposefully seek to humiliate, find faults, etc. I couldn't see it as I wasn't there at times it happened and partner behaved differently when I was there.

He always has to feel like he's right and always needs to prove a point.

Most people he comes into contact with don't like him. My family included. Old work colleagues, etc.

Now I'm at a point where I can see him for what he is. He has constantly told me throughout that I have mental health issues and I need help. He told my mum he thinks I'm bipolar. He's so wrong, I don't know how he could get it so wrong.

I think he had a plan to take over my business - he wants control, he's a very controlling person.

I think I need to leave him as I can't continue being so unhappy and it will get worse. I'm confused though as he always prides himself on being mr nice guy, but I think it's a front. He isn't nice. People can see that. Or am I and everyone else wrong?

He dotes on his kids but is very controlling and favours eldest over youngest.

Please help.

My God - he sounds awful in almost every possible way! It would make me incredibly depressed to live with someone like him. The way he treats the children is terrible in itself, let alone what he is doing to your business and the way he is speaking to your family about you.

Leave now while you still have a business and before your children are too damaged.

He sounds really horrible - a narcissist, controlling bully. Please leave now - before he detritus you and your businesss. Get support from friends and family and free yourself.

Do you have friends and family who can help you?

You are not wrong. You husband makes you unhappy and interferes in your business. You need to leave this man before he totally ruins your life.

Why are you confused about leaving. Surely you can see that everyone has a problem with him so he's dragging you down.

The reason I'm comfused is because if I confronted him with any of this stuff I think he'd be genuinely shocked. He genuinely seems to think he's a nice person (I think) and I can't really get my head around what he's doing. I don't know if he's doing it on purpose or if he doesn't even know what he's doing. Sorry, I've had years of being blindsided and told that I'm wrong that I can't even trust my own judgement anymore.

His behaviour is abusive. Controlling, dominating, sulking, twisting disagreements are all symptoms of domestic violence. You are not happy because he has made it his job to ensure you remain unhappy and distressed. You will be so much happier and relaxed if you end this relationship.

I know it's not as simple as walking out with a man like this, but there are ways to leave safely. Women's aid has information on how to make a safety plan to leave.

And please remember, he is the problem here. Not you.

It's hard because I've been made to believe that I'm the one with the problem and he's just trying to help and support me he says.

My family love me and will be there for me. I don't have any friends - that's another thing. He has lots of friends that he's kept since school. He hasn't made any friends in his adult life. I haven't any friends so he uses that as validation that I'm the one with the problem not him.

I understand about not trusting your own judgement as that's some thing I suffer with, that's why I posted to remind you that EVERYONE has a problem with him so it's not just you.

Whatever the reason, he is who he is and you are being dragged down by that. Even if he suddenly became self aware he'd have to accept he's got a problem and commit to wanting to find out how to change and then putting that into action. That'd take years and he'd continue to be awful on the whole until he actually changed even if he did suddenly see the light.

Abusers always aim to make you think you are the problem. Awful for him to sabotage your business. What needs to happen for you to be able to separate?

Abuse is very very confusing! It makes you think you might be going crazy as the other person tries to put a rational spin on their behaviour- this makes you question your own sanity!

You need to make a plan to leave. There is nothing left for you and there is no benefit to your children.

The man is dysfunctional and so will your children be if you continue to raise them in this environment.

You cannot repair or change this man so don't bother trying.

Thanks for the replies, I need to hear it.

The main thing that needs to happen is he has to move out and find somewhere to live. Then he has to get a job. I also need to find a replacement for my soon to be ex employee, and probably scale things down a bit there so that I can focus on being a single mum. Financially I am fine as it's my business, we rent and tenancy in my name.

It will be the dealing with him and his moods that's the main problem. I've tried to end things with him before but he always convinces me I'm seeing things wrong as I might have been feeling down that day, or I can't think clearly due to being tired. Which of course makes me doubt myself even more.

I'm so fed up of it all. I want to be free from him. We don't even share a room and never have.

It sounds like you're not married and that it's your house - or is it a joint tenancy or ownership? Is there any chance your employee will stay on as you intend to dump him? It's a head down and get through it situation when you leave someone like this. He won't take any responsibility and will be difficult and uncooperative. Pah, that's why you're leaving him.

Of course you you are confused, that is his intention, to subtly mess with your brain. But you are smart, you have sussed him. It sounds like you have the financial means to leave, please start the process, trust me, it doesn't get any better. You have a supportive family and you will make friends along the way (the right people will come into your life to help you on your journey) You can do this! Good luck

We're not married no. And just tenancy in my name.

I have spoken to my employee and said if his new job doesn't work out he can come back. I told him I am planning to leave partner. He can see right through him so was relieved for me.

Last week partner asked if we could get married and also if he could become a shareholder in the business as that would help him to feel more secure. He doesn't like it that I have all the supposed power.

OMG marriage and a share in your business. You have picked exactly the right time to get rid of him. He's abusive and his behaviour is escalating. Have you told him he needs to leave? It won't be pretty but you will never regret it.

I can't tell him yet as he will immediately become very difficult and it will be awful for the dcs to have to live with, even short term.

I am wondering if it might be best to line up somewhere for him to move into. Then just tell him to pack his bags when everything is ready so he can leave right away.

I don't want to come across as cruel as he will use it against me in the future. He isn't someone I want as an enemy. So I need to appear as amicable and kind as possible, whilst still getting him to leave. The hardest thing would be him actually believing the relationship is over. He seems to think we're soulmates. Nothing could be further from the truth.

No, you are absolutely right to plan and organise. I admire your aim not to make an enemy of him - it's good to try at least. When you talk about lining up somewhere for him to go, do you mean a friend or family member he can stay with, or do you mean actually paying deposit/rent? You cannot give him any opportunity to mess up your finances/credit rating/business. Can you move any sensitive information and documents out of your home so he cannot access them?

I wouldn't find him somewhere else to live, I'd get your parents round to support you when you tell him to leave, you need to to make it very clear that he is the children's father and that's the only relationship that he has that concerns you. Once he is out have the locks changed and if he causes you hassle inform the police. Good luck and I hope you manage to find some peace.

He doesn't have any family nearby, and all his friends have their own families, so it would either be a hosueshare that he goes into, or I find somewhere for him to rent. Probably the first option as he has no job to get a place in his name, and I can't do it as then have to rely on him actually paying the rent. Thanks for making me think about this aspect of things!

It really is up to him to sort out where he will live. Also, the more you try to help him, the more he will feel entitled and that this is all your fault.

I underdtajd that you want t keep him happy because you fear how nasty he will be when you cross him. But it's impossible to end this amicably , whatever you do he will hate you.

Don't bother to fix up anywhere for him to stay , whatever you do it won't be good enough.

Apart from the kids, do you have any joint comittments? How does he have such a big role in your business if he doesn't work in it?

It is not your job to find him new accommodation.
You do not have to get into a huge discussion about the whys and wherefores.
Just tell him that it is not working for you, and you would like him to leave.

He is systematically cutting you off from people who would love, care for and support you.

He has his sights on your business, your home and your money.

You must act quickly and decisively to prevent a real disaster happening here.

Seriously OP . Get family around and tell him to leave. He's abusive, has no job, no one likes him, is damaging the esteem of one of the kids (and you) and is trying to take your business. And you want to pay for him a new home??? Nah, come on girl.