End of the road

[Flyingagainstreason]

I've been a long time mumsnetter but changed my details for this one.
Very long and complicated.

I met my male best friend 15 years ago. He was in a relationship, then I got married. Then he got married shortly after. We stayed friends the whole time.

My husband was verbally abusive towards me. Would get drunk and scream at me. Wouldn't talk to me for days. Wouldn't ever have sex with me (because he knew I wanted a child) but I stayed for 10 years for many other reasons. I wish I hadn't in hindsight.

His wife, similar - only physically violent with it. They have one dc. Conceived within 3 months of meeting

That's probably why we were so close for so many years. We were just each other's Crux.

Fast forward to 2 years ago and we crossed a line from friends to an affair. I am pretty sure we had felt that way about each other for years. But it had been well suppressed.

I left my oh after 3 months after getting my ducks in a row. That was my wake up call. Knowing that I could actually be loved. Seeing what happiness could maybe be.

He never left, he confessed, I think he was hoping she would chuck him out. But she didn't. Her threats to destroy his life and the violence have ramped up. The neighbours called the police and social services last time. Though nothing came of it.

So I just can't take being in his life anymore, he's deciding to stay for his dc's sake apparently. He thinks that the child isn't affected by all this. He's in major denial.

So we have decided that we aren't going to be a part of each other's lives anymore. But I feel utterly heartbroken. I've lost my best friend, the person I wanted to spend my life with. The person who has helped me through everything.

I know we had an affair, I wish we hadn't. It's caused immeasurable pain for everyone.

I'm really struggling knowing that he's going to stay in an abusive relationship. I'm struggling that I've lost the most important person in my life.

Anyway, sorry that was a massive offload. I just don't know how to deal with the grief of losing someone you know loves you.

I've dealt with losing a relationship where someone says "I don't love you anymore" but this is a thousand times harder, and I am really struggling to cope

You've been taken for a mug haven't you.

How do you know his wife is abusive, did he tell you or have you witnessed it or seen bruising?

I have little sympathy for anyone that has an affair.

If he wants to expose his child to domestic abuse then you should leave him to it.

He has got options. He could easily contact the previous SW and advise her of what has happened over the years and explain he wants to cut free with his child. They would help him with a safety plan etc

You should look to move forward with your life and learn from the experience. I.e. Never have an affair as the end is always painful!

That's a bit harsh, heart.

I'm not perfect myself so I don't expect the people around me to be perfect either. I think the affair was wrong op, as you know, but dealing with that level of unhappiness must have been incredibly difficult for you.

I'm sorry to hear about the breakdown of your relationship but I think you will actually be better off without him in the long run. He didn't have the guts to end a horrific marriage and you did; you are a stronger person than him and you will go on to have happiness with someone else now that you've set yourself free.

I have seen the bruises. I have known him for very many years And we were genuinely friends and told each other many things about our lives. So I do believe him.
But yes I have probably been a mug, and yes you're right this was never going to end we. In hindsight I wish none of it had happened. The only positive I can take Is i managed to leave my horrific marriage.

He just doesn't have the courage to leave in that way. I've spent years telling him to call the police or take photos or make a diary. Record things on his phone. He's never done any of it. This last incident was, I thought his proper chance to get out. But he didn't take it. So I know he will never leave

Thanks @Cambionome
I don't feel very strong

Give it time, op.

You sound in a lot of pain OP. A break-up in these circumstances must be a huge wrench.

You can't do very much about your friend/ex-partner (the fact you can't really put a name to what he was is probably emblematic of why it can't work). He has made his choice. If you genuinely think his child is at risk you can anonymously tip off the local authority's child protection services, but please only do this if you really think it's warranted. These services are under enormous pressure and don't need to be chasing false trails.

The fact that he hasn't chosen you tells you all you need to know, really. You may never know the full truth or why he chose what he did, but the harsh fact is he doesn't want to commit to a full, open committed relationship with you.

I know it's horrible for you to concentrate on that fact, but I think you need to focus on it, to stop yourself going round in circles. And then concentrate on processing your own sadness and loss - and maybe think about how it came about that you formed relationships with two unavailable men in succession. (I'm not saying this in a judgy way, I've done it myself. Finding out why you're choosing men who are emotionally or practically unavailable to you is a huge step to never doing it again.)

@TresDesolee
Yes you're right, I am seeing a therapist. My oh was an amazing person in the first year. I was properly love bombed, and then after that I just deluded myself it was ok. I didn't want it to be a failure.

I go from feeling angry with OM to sad back to angry. Why the fuck can't he see what everyone else, his friends his family sees. Why the fuck would he stay in such a toxic relationship.
The last time I spoke to him he said she has finally agreed to go to couples therapy after the last episode of violence. As all mn folks know you can't go to therapy with an abuser.

Urgh. Been there with the love bombing too!

Ultimately, why he has chosen what he's chosen isn't your problem and you have to work towards being in a place where you no longer have a desperate internal monologue. Why didn't he choose me, why doesn't he leave - these are questions you can't answer and for your wellbeing they aren't the most important questions anyway.

It's so difficult to put a stop to this circular thinking and it will take a while. Mindfulness helped me (there are some good apps for it).

As you will know, taking the decision to leave an abuser is extraordinarily difficult. Your personal history with this guy means you're not the best person to help him, for your sake.

You have to start cherishing yourself, prioritising your own wellbeing and doing the things that are healthiest for you - you know that, right?

It's something I struggle with. Working on it with my therapist. How do you prioritise yourself, I just can't seem to do it.

I know I can't help him, and I realise that I am one of those "savers" type of person. Much to my detriment.

I think a lot of people struggle with it, especially women because we're taught from birth that our function is to help other people.

You're not weird and you're definitely not alone.

Mindfulness really helped me to recognise unhelpful brain noise - that sort of screaming brain churn of circular unhelpful thinking - and learn to put it in its place.

Simple techniques like snapping an elastic band on your wrist when you realise you're obsessing over something you can't change.

Therapy should help if the therapist is good, well done for doing it. It's a slow process.

Two sites that really helped me - not all the posts will be relevant to your situation precisely, but both the writers are very fierce and consistent about the message of building strong self-esteem and having good boundaries (which is so crucial and is absolutely a skill you can learn):

www.theawl.com/tag/ask-polly/

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/list-of-posts/

@TresDesolee
I love ask Polly. and I've looked at baggage reclaim, some amazing posts on their.

I am desperately trying to learn to have boundaries. Clearly I have none!
Your description of unhelpful brain noise is spot on. It just churns round and round in my brain suffocating everything else.

I just feel a bit defeated by it all. I miss having my friend in my life so fucking much. And I Feel like I am never going to be happy.

The elastic band sounds like a good idea

When my cousins first wife stabbed him, he knew it was time to leave.
You can stay n,y do so much.
If he wants to put up with that level of abuse then it's upto him.

Time to go NC with him and move on.
Look on the bright side he's helped you leave an abusive marriage.
People come into our lives for a season , a reason and all that crap.

I know. I am really struggling with letting him go. I know I have to
I know it's his choice, but losing him forever actually breaks my heart. I can't think or function
I lost people I love through death and for some reason this feels a lot worse.

I think you need to stop relying on men for your happiness and fulfillment.

I'm just really worried about the child!!
I'm sorry about what you have been through but that child is at best going to be left seriously damaged by being exposed to an abusive parent and at worst being put at risk!!
You should try to put your own feelings aside and remember this is your best friends child and do what you can to help!

Yes you're right. I had a pretty fucked up childhood and I'm trying to work on that.
I guess it has informed all of my bad choices thereafter.

@mamamalt
I agree, I've said all this a thousand times. I think he thinks it's ok for his dc. They're not affected (apparently) because it's not frequent and it's when they're asleep.
SS have been involved, but if 2 people want to pretend it's not that bad I don't see what they can do. From the outside they are very well off middle class family.
I don't know what I can do to help. Nothing really if he doesn't want to help himself.

sounds like he is not going to get out of this relationship
his poor child, but you cannot save someone.
you have to live your own life, no matter how hard letting go is

Yes letting go is the hardest thing to do.