Addictive personality - can it ever work?

[ConfusedandHurt17]

Have namechanged for this

So at the end of my tether after another incident.

DH most definitely has an addictive personality which seems to be showing itself more with age. I'm exhausted and becoming increasingly resentful.
He has in the past had issues with too much alcohol, recreational drugs, over work, betting etc. We reach a point of no return with each and he agrees to try to address it / make changes and at some point he just replaces one addiction with the next and so it goes on.

I feel so enormously let down and sad that the funny, charming generous man I married has become selfish, obsessive and quite frankly a liability. There was always an addictive streak that I was well aware of when we were younger but I stupidly presumed that age and experience would see him rein that behaviour in.

He plays it all down. It's just a few drinks (every night) because he's stressed at work, a small smoke/recreational whatever on a night out, a bet on the horses/football/ whatever (frequently). When he does address it and admit to the problem he then completely immerses himself in work, so just replacing one thing with another, and so it goes on.

I guess my question is can it be pulled back or is it a lost cause? The DCs love him and I know he loves them but I think they and I deserve more. It's not straightforward. There are complex health issues with one DC and I know they would be utterly devastated if we weren't all together.

I know the man I once knew is still there but it's getting increasingly hard to find him and I worry that I'm going to start to not care.

Would he agree to therapy? Especially if you told him you are at the end of your rope?

Is he willing to get into 12 step? It would effectively address all you describe.

Perhaps he needs to identify his primary addiction and go to the relevant 12 step. ime I am addicted to everything given half the chance, though I have a primary substance (food). I had no idea I was an addict but addiction is a progressive illness, as you have seen. As the 12 step adage goes: addiction is arrested a day at a time. 12 step is also a spiritual programme (not to be confused with religion btw) and routinely addresses the maladies you describe he exhibits eg an increasing selfishness and self-obsession. I have had a great deal of therapy to try to address my many maladies but for all the info it didn't change things. 12 step is at last working the miracle.

don't let him knock it. He can go to 6 meetings and just listen. You could make it a condition of your continuing marriage that he attends the relevant programme for addicts. He'll meet people just like him there.

ps he may get addicted to the meetings but hold on, that will pass eventually.

Have you read the AA big book yourself? That would be a good start. Also Al-anon is a good port of call for you.

Thank you. We've just had another debate!! Denial that there's any problem so not sure about his receptiveness to therapy.

I've insisted he manages the DC this morning while I try to get back to sleep. Not much hope of any sleep as I'm so annoyed.

Springydaffs your comment about getting addicted to meetings made me smile as frustrating as that is!

OP I had a friend this your DH. Addicted to everything at one point- alcohol, drugs, women, gambling. We lost him last year to an accidental OD.

I'm not trying to scare you. But please make sure you put yourself first, make sure you have relevant life insurances and are not financially dependent on him.

Take care

Thank you grobags Lots to think about. Have detached myself today and he seems aware I'm starting to not care. Time will tell but am not hopeful.

If he's in denial then you will not move forwards. Until he admits there is a problem then you have to step back. Look after yourself and children, as harsh as it sounds, he needs to sort himself out.

Please think about attending al anon meetings yourself . You will get support and it will help you work out what you want to do. Because this isn't about him, it's about what kind of life you want for you and your kids.

I know addicts have a way of making everything about them and their problems. But you matter too.

Thank you userxx
You're right and I've realised that although he does eventually admit to a problem each time it's like groundhog day with one obsession subsequently replaced with another. I could write the script. He acknowledges the problem briefly then within a few weeks it's like the conversation never happened.
I can't at the moment see how it's ever going to change. I now dread when the DCs are older and have moved on. I don't see us together on our own unless something drastically changes on his part. Sad as that feels I can't spend my days worrying about him anymore. I'm too tired.

Thank you Kr1s I think it would be worth a try.
Am so angry with him but the thought of giving up makes me incredibly sad.

I've known a couple of people with addictive personalities - they're utterly charming but are phenomenally self-destructive. Until your DH wants to get help there's not a lot you can do other than leave to be honest. Your leaving would be purely about your self-preservation because it's unlikely to make him suddenly think therapy's a great idea. When / if he is ready for therapy then do think about seeing a good hypnotherapist as well as counselling. They have real success with stopping smoking there and then so it's worth a google. Look for one that offers counselling too. It's whacky but worth investigating. Good luck OP

Sorry but just to add, in my experience, the more you encourage them to seek help before they're ready the more they hide the behaviours you don't like and weave a web of lies to cover their tracks. It's awful because you're damned if you do and damned if you don't.

Thanks beenthere
He has talked about his demons and the fact that he is 'flawed'. He knows it but won't or can't change which is the nature of addiction I suppose.
When we first met people queued up to tell me how much of a good guy he was. He is still a good guy deep down but hard to see these days.
You're right. I need to decide to move on or not. Pleas, threats and tears haven't worked. His need for what he needs ultimately trumps the rest of our needs I think and only he can change that.

[hypnotherapists] have real success with stopping smoking there and then

Not in my case. Hypnotherapy sent me off the scale with smoking. Just saying.

You need to find out about addiction, what it is, what it isn't. Do go to al anon, it's so important to find out your role in the dynamic (not what you think) and to learn more about addiction.

Would he consider seeing a psychoanalyst?

What good would a psychoanalyst be groovy? Genuinely. so he finds out he's an addict?

The OP has already said that he knows he's an addict but doesn't want to change and that his needs always trump hers and the kids. So I'm not sure how paying a fortune and two years of their lives on psychotherapy would change anything.

He will only change when he wants to. And for most addicts they won't want to change until they hit their rock bottom.

He's pretty unlikely to get there while he has everyone around his saving him from feeling the consequences of his addiction and telling him what a great guy he is.

The OP know she can't fix him. So all she can do is decide if she wants to live like this and for her kids to do the same. Or leave.

It's horrible to put it so bluntly but I don't know what other choices she has.