The Unloved Child

[stargazer2030]

I don't really know what I am more pissed off about.
I have never felt loved or even liked by my mum. I could write an essay and know I need to sort some counselling. In general though I now have a good life and am very happy. I am still in contact with all my family. I don't hate my mum just try to keep contact to a minimum. I think there were lots of reasons and most probably undiagnosed pnd.
Youngest sister was the Golden child. Amother sibling in between who was treated well just me who wasn't liked. I wasn't abused or mistreated but still an awful upbringing. Lots of hurtful incidents.
Anyway in conversation with my youngest sibling earlier I said mum has never liked me and she said, very nastily, to get over myself and quit with the self loathing.
Sorry I don't loath myself. I am very happy - I have a lovely family of my own. It does really piss me off that even now no one acknowledges that i was treated badly growing up. I also can't imagine treating my own children differently. It's really easy to say this when you are the Golden Child and the way it was said makes me think it has been discussed. This means they have a convenient excuse - it's my self loathing - not my mum's shit way of treating me that makes me feel like this! Am so angry - once again I am the bad guy.

I'm very sorry you didn't experience the childhood and love you should have. That must be a huge emotional burden to carry, but I'm glad you realize that therapy would be beneficial. As far as your sister goes, I am assuming the lack of love from your mother is a topic that you have mentioned more than once over the years. Her latest response to you was cruel and unnecessary, however, what exact do you want her to say? She is no more responsible for your mother's behaviour than you are, and the discrepancies in the way you were treated is and was something beyond her control. Maybe her reaction was born of frustration in being unable to give you the answers you are looking for.

That sounds really cruel. She doesn't get it does she? I'm an only child so no experience but I'm sorry you're going through this x

Can't really agree with what aquamarine is saying.

You mentioned it bcs it's a fact. I doubt very much if you were expecting something from her, just acknowledgement of what is very obviously a fact. But she#s the golden child so you're never going to get acknowledgement from her.

Do please get into therapy - you will learn so much there about dysfunctional families. You really need to know this stuff in order to make sense of what has happened and what is currently happening. Your sister is caught up in the dysfunction and she won't see, has no interest in seeing, things clearly.

I so recognise this dynamic. Golden child sister who gets all the free childcare etc from not - so - DM insists I am oversensitive, think the world is against me etc. Won't hear a negative word. Other sister and I were alternated between black sheep and runner - up so gave little relationship. I'm sorry

Actually your right. What do I expect her to say? They know I feel like this but it's been turned into my issue /problem now. I have tried to broach it with mum but she won't have any of it. I do get on with my sister usually but she's not going to suddenly turn round and agree with me.
Growing up (and still now) I was always described as the mouthy/argumentative/ trouble causing child. Looking back this isn't true. Although no angel I was never in trouble at school, always did well and didn't cause any problems. I was argumentative but is there any wonder? My youngest sister caused far more issues than I ever did and was awful to them at times.
I definitely need some counselling as poor old dh must be fed up of hearing it. I have been putting it off though as it feels a bit like taking the lid of Pandoras box if that makes sense. I think that's why I posted this - I need a bit of perspective.

I think your sister's comment was unkind. I'd distance myself from someone so callous. She obviously used your mum as a role model in how to treat you. Concentrate on nice friends not your sister and mum as they are dysfunctional and won't do your mental state any good. I hope the counselling helps.

My golden child younger brother didn't understand either because he thought our experiences were identical despite him being the youngest by 4 years. He was very happy with his childhood. His emotional needs were met 100 fold and everyone doted on him.

The funny thing is now he has his own kids and is replicating the same family set up. But I think he recognises that the younget child gets spoilt while the older ones seem a bit lost/down because they get less time and attention.

I totally understand how you feel....same here....I have tried to have a so called normal relationship with my mum but it just doesn't work...she has suggested I go and have counselling but why should I...it's bad enough feeling the way I do....I don't really feel strong enough raking up all the past bad childhood things....anyway I think her saying go to counselling is a real kop out for her and she doesn't want to acknowledge the issues there were. My younger sister and her get on like a house on fire they are really close...I am glad for them....I don't speak to my sister anymore and have not spoken to my mum for 3 months....it's actually easier not having anything to do with them as I have never felt like I am part of thier family set up. I have a lovely daughter whom I could never ever imagine treating her the same as I was as I was so conscious when she was growing up knew how loved and cared for she was. I do find it upsetting when friends same age as me 56 have lovely relationships with thier mothers and I do wish things were different. My dad passed away 7 years ago and she never treated him that well either. She is now 80 and will soon be housebound...my sister looks after her as she doesn't work....I live about an hours drive away I have offered to help but they have declined my offers. Keeping me at a distance as always. I have decided that I will no longer try abd just be happy with my lovely hubby and daughter. When she dies I will not be going to her funeral and in lots of ways I feel when she does die my life will actually improve sorry if that comment offends anyone..,its just that she has always had this hold over me feelings wise and when she is no longer here I will be free from it all. Sending you big hugs as I know how isolating it can feel in this situation

I'm really sorry to hear this OP. user149's post I could have written myself.

It's actually much worse to be the golden child because they get an unbalanced upbringing too but can't 'escape'. I get what you are going through. I love my parents and sister but I don't like their abusive behaviour. You didn't deserve to be treated poorly by your folks and I well understand being in a family but feeling like you are standing at the edge. But you have noticed the dysfunction and will ensure that it won't happen to your child.

I have had to rebuild my concept of family over the years. I didn't get to choose my original family but I have built a support system of friends who are there for me. I built my own family of DH and DS and we are loving. Counselling may be helpful to help you see your family dynamic in a number of ways and help you through it.

You aren't alone. Many people are going through this. Families can be a tremendous source of hurt (as well as joy). You can't control the cards you are dealt, just the way you play the hand.

Not sure it's 'worse' being the Golden Child but certainly has the potential to be more damaging in an insidious way. Scapegoats have plenty of clues that things aren't right while the golden child will probably not realise until much later, if at all.

So sorry to read all your posts. It is nice to read though that we are all really conscious not to replicate it and from reading replies people seem to now have happy loving family units.

That's what I meant imbroglio. In each family dynamic the individuals may be affected to a greater or lesser degree, of course.

I'm going to go against the grain here and risk getting flamed - We all experience different realities though OP. I appreciate that you feel you were unloved and that the younger sister was the golden child but she may not have seen it that way because that wasn't her reality iyswim. It's how you feel but it doesn't make it a fact. My older sister has always believed that I was the golden child but I think that's bullshit and I'd tell her to get over herself too. She only sees what she wants to see that fits with her narrative and I don't doubt that I do too. The reality is we are never going to agree on the point.

I guess what I'm saying is that I echo the what do you expect her to say pps. She didn't experience your reality growing up and so probably doesn't understand where you're coming from. I doubt she meant to be mean, she's probably just sick of you going on at her about something that she either doesn't believe happened at all or if she accepts happened, it wasn't her fault (because she's not responsible for the actions of your mother). It must be upsetting for her to be blamed by you all the time; I know I'm fed up of it with my sister.

It's hard for a golden child to really grasp the inequality and the impact. For you're own peace of mind forgive them for playing favourites and choose to learn from the experience. I parent my children very differently as a result of crappy childhood.

My sister hates us having a great relationship now (me and mum) and twists everything around wanting me to bitch about mum and it drives me crazy she can't just have a normal conversation with, I can't mention holidays or day trips without snarky comments.

Results in me not really speaking to sister much, it's draining and a pain and not my problem to fix.

If you wouldn't listen to her calling your DH a bad parent, don't expect her to listen to you calling her mum a bad parent....

But do speak to someone about your feelings and surrounding yourself with supportive people, just watch who you badmouth to (whether you're justified or not)

Angelf1sh I think what you are saying is harsh but probably true.

My sibling had masses of positive messages all his life, while all I heard was that I didn't really have it in me. I internalised this and so did he. The only times I ever tried to speak to him about it was a disaster, even though I was trying to get him to understand that we had both been messed around.

I don't blame him for being the 'chosen one' but I do hold him responsible for the shitty things he has done to me and plenty of others because he thought he was entitled to.

It sounds like you were raised in a narcissistic family structure where the golden child and scapegoat dynamics were and are still played out. People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles; yours is one of scapegoat. Infact what you describe is typical of life within a narcissistic dysfunctional family of origin. These people want to keep you as the scapegoat so they do not cop their mother's rages.

I hope you keep your own family unit well away from your youngest sister and your mother in particular. Youngest sister's role here of golden child is a role also not without price but she is still unaware of that price to be paid.

I would also suggest you read and post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these relationships pages.

Like Springydaffs I would also suggest you find a therapist and one who has no bias about keeping families together despite the presence of mistreatment. Interview such people carefully and choose one who fits in with your approach.

Wow Angel aren't you full of compassion!!

But that's my point Pizza, I don't need compassion because I don't agree that my sister is right. I understand it's what she thinks but I think (based on my reality) that she had exactly the same upbringing that I had, and if anything she had more leeway to do what she wanted than I did. I think my sister never got over no longer being an only child and I think she needs to.

I quite obviously know nothing about the OPs life but I do know that her younger sister did not experience things exactly as she did and so will not necessarily agree that the OP had the terrible life she believes she did. The OP may well be right in her beliefs but she can't expect her sister to agree with her if that's not the experience she had growing up.

If the sister was trying to be cruel then that's different of course, but I think it's perfectly possible that the younger sister really doesn't see it the same way.

Wow. Maybe being a Golden Child is worse after all if you then go through life self absorbed amd lack the ability to have compassion for those who haven't had the same treatment.

Funnily enough my Golden Child brother also thinks people with depression/no polar/etc should just get over themselves.

Pizza, now you're just projecting so I'll leave you to it.

OP I hope you get some peace with your family, but you may never get their agreement with your view of things that happened. You don't need it though, as you say you're very happy with your life and that's great.

Angel your first post sounds quite mean spirited.

Same dynamic in my family of origin. Honestly had no idea it was so common. And of course the golden child always has the same outlook, which tends to serve them well in a society which rewards deluded self-conceit.

OP, a perspective I've gained though the passing of the years (and a few brushes with extended family) is that these are family patterns that play out over generations, complicated by events which make no two families the same. People who have been the favourite are often pretty terrible at recognising, let alone breaking the cycle, because it works for them. (Much as rich people who have had the privilege of a good education and financial support from their parents often manage feelings of discomfort when encountering poor people by believing that the poor are undeserving, lazy, stupid).

I can totally see why you would want your sister to validate your experience but she can't. Maybe in the fullness of time that will change.