which child would you remove from the family?

[confusedandlostbobbie]

Hi, if your husband had done something to your daughter and she developed in some way (husband then removed from family) but then that daughter was doing something to younger child causing them to then be at risk, who would you remove from the family? The younger sibling to stay safe or the older one to keep the younger one safe, even though it isn't the older one's fault.

Sorry if this sounds silly but needed advise without giving too much away.

I don't know... I don't think I'd move either. I'd just make sure the younger one was safe and the older was getting the help they needed. Surely that's what parenting is about? You can't just remove one of your children?

I have never been in this situation though .

Unfortunately I have been in the worst situation possible. .
The older dc was the offender and was removed. . By the police and charged.

Effectively losing him forever......

I would get all the support I possibly could from every agency I could and I would look into every possible alternative, give constant supervision and every method to keep my dc safe from one another. Maybe the younger child could be safe and loved with another family member while the elder receives care and therapy at home?

No experience but surely it's a case of seeking help for the older one while ensuring they are never alone with the younger one.

Is there an ongoing situation with the older abusing the younger or is this a one-off incident? Have you spoken with the older child and if so what have they said?

If the older child has denied the incident then unfortunately I would feel they had to be removed for the safety of the younger. Where would you be sending them though - your parents? Please do not put the older in care if you can keep the younger one safe.

I think some people are not realising how severe some situations can be. I think I'd have to remove the eldest and seek professional (most probably residential) support for them.

I would remove the older one.
They have been abused (I presume) but that's not a green light to abuse another and the younger child wouldn't feel safe in their home.
They take priority imo. It's a hard choice though

I don't know, I think sometimes the 'damaged child' is seen as it's too late and they're disposable. I would absolutely not want to expose the younger child to danger and if there was no alternative at all, then the other child would need to be in care. But I don't think it should automatically be that the acting out child gets removed - it seems a bit convenient. If there's an alternative where the younger child can be safe and loved, but not necessarily in the parental home? I don't think it necessarily follows that the troubled child should be the one to leave. If there are suitable alternatives.

Impossible to say without details - which I'm not suggesting you give.

It would depend for me on the risk, on what support I had for the child and what personal support I had. Also on the ages of the children and what could be explained. I'd be more likely to remove the older one if they were old enough to be told why - and reassured about non residential contact with me.

If I had supportive family, I would consider placing one child with them, and regularly swapping so the older one wasn't "abandoned". So if a grandparent could be fully involved, perhaps the older could move there but spend weekend day times with you and sibling - if you could supervise. Then, a bit like a divorce situation, have the old child back one night a week when the younger one goes to stay with the grandparents.

If the older one has been abused, the older one possibly needs you more right now.

that you're facing this.

You cannot remove the younger child - it suggests that they have done something wrong and are being punished. While the older one's actions may be a result of actions not their fault - removing younger child sends out a message to the older child that they (younger child) are at fault.

Depends on how old as to whether the older one should be removed for specialised help or whether it would be successful still at home.

Definitely not the younger one.

The oldest, because if they are that much of a threat, they need highly specialized care that parents could not possibly provide in the home.

Oh god, what a terrible situation you're in

As an absolute last resort, I'd have to say eldest too.

Not easy, I'm so sorry you're facing this.

Usually the older DC is removed, often to another family member if possible. The older DC needs specific help and most likely so does the younger but not at the same time or with the same organisations. I have known families to come together after a year or so but only after assessment and lots of work.

How terrible.

What PPs have said about supportive relatives for one or other child whilst getting help for eldest. Much would also depend on ages of the DC, etc., but if there were family who could isolate the siblings from each other temporarily whilst I got help, that would be my preferred option. Getting all agencies as involved as possible as early as possible.