Porn, marriage, child and counselling

[blairwaldorff]

Hi all! I'll just post my story briefly and I wonder if counselling would help me to be happy again. So any helpful advice would be great.
I have a husband who I knew watched (or still does I don't care) a lot of porn. Also looked for naked woman around Facebook, adverts, YouTube. I can confidently say that this destroyed my love for him and ruined our marriage. I fought against it, cried, shouted, attempted to leave home. I cannot explain how a degrading (but also so little) thing could have such powerful effect on me and my life. Once I was crying and breastfeeding in the bed (I had a horrible labour btw) and he didn't say a word to comfort me: he was too busy looking for naked woman on Facebook (we have this massive mirrored cupboard in our bedroom and I could see all the woman naked/semi-naked in sexual poses he was looking in his IPad in the mirror's reflection). That very moment I realised that my love for him was dead and replaced by sadness and regret. We are still married, he seems happy but I believe that deep inside him, he knows that I no longer love him. We have a beautiful little girl who deserves to have a family and I'll keep this family together although a part of me wishes I could be free to love and be happy with someone else unless I could learn how to forget and forgive.

Yes if you can find a good counsellor.

The very first thing is that he must stop. And want to stop. He must be open about everything and give you the passwords to all his gadgets phone, the works. He might not want to do this at first. He might not see the point.

And then you have to see what else is he giving you? Is your relationship worth it? Is this really the end of it for you?

IMy Ex cheated on me by texting other women. We did rebuild a lot of the trust, however his lack of commitment to me never recovered.

"We are still married, he seems happy but I believe that deep inside him, he knows that I no longer love him. We have a beautiful little girl who deserves to have a family and I'll keep this family together although a part of me wishes I could be free to love and be happy with someone else unless I could learn how to forget and forgive".

He gets what he wants out of this; that is why he is happy. He has you to look after him, he does not care about you at all really. He is happy at the cost of your overall unhappiness. Is this really what you want to teach your child about relationships?. Think again.

Your DD and you deserve a happy and emotionally stable family unit and this set up is not it. There are no prizes handed out for keeping this sinking ship afloat and you're forgetting to save your own self here. She will be dragged down too.

Staying with this person basically for your own reasons of fear, obligation and guilt (and you should not use your child as a reason to stay, it teaches them that your marriage was based on a lie and its a terribly heavy burden to play upon this child too) will simply further grind you down and this will become like a death from 1000 cuts.

Staying with her dad will further teach her that a loveless marriage is her "norm" too. Staying for the sake of the child rarely if ever is a good idea. Would you want this for her, no you would not.

What Attilla said. Get out. Now.

Would you want your daughter to stay in a relationship like yours OP?

I honestly think that what example a child see's of relationship's really shapes what they expect for themselves. My parents are still so madly in love ('tis a bit sickening at times) and that's what I expect. My Dp (now ex) recently cheated on me and I've had wobbles about forgiving him for our DD. Ultimately though I know I deserve better and I wouldn't be truly happy and I don't want my daughter growing up with even just a 'ok' relationship as her example.

Good finding a man who doesn't look at porn during what I presume ( from his side ) to be an extended "dry spell"

Samanthan so no sex allows him to sit on a bed next to her while breastfeeding to look at naked women? Even though she has just provided him with a baby. If he's that brazen I hope he hasn't done anything else. Do counselling but it means he has to want to change. Good luck

Many thanks for all your replies. It's really helpful being able to talk about this and reading all your opinions. I have the password for all his devices and he have parental control because of that. But he still searches on Facebook, YouTube...apart from that's is a good husband and I wonder if porn is a good reason for divorce. I find myself so ridiculous for being so hurt by it! I should have left him when unfounded out but decided to carry on so he won't change. Am I overreacting or making porn a big deal when it really should not be? I'm very disturbed by it all.

Sorry for terrible grammar and misspellings but I'm a bit nervous.

Forgetting whether you agree with porn per se, the fact that he sat and was looking for it when you were breastfeeding your baby is beyond the beyonds. Don't minimise this down to the 'act' of looking for porn and worry about porn being a good enough reason for a divorce or not . It's the message him doing it at that point in time sent to you : I don't care enough about your feelings to NOT do this.

And anyway, you don't have to free married to anyone you don't want to be, regardless of the reason, you don't have to justify yourself to anyone.

*free= be

You're not being ridiculous at all! Unless both partners are fully on board and comfortable with it it has no place in a loving relationship. You have told him it upsets you and he still does it. This is not respectful and you deserve better.

Being a happy confident mummy to your daughter is more important than staying with a partner you don't love xx

how long until he looks at porn with your daughter in the room noticing?