What to do when you are no longer good friends?

[Bookend]

I am using this forum as a cathartic experience, as I have a situation at school which is really upsetting me. I am loathe to discuss it with anyone related to school as I am still fond of my friend. Everyday I have to pretend at school that a good friend and I are still friends. This causes a huge strain, not during the day as I'm quite busy, but at pick up and drop off time.

Don't ask me what's wrong....to be honest I do not know when and why it all went pear shaped. The barriers are up on both sides now. If someone had mentioned this scenario taking place a year ago I would not have believed them.

For the children's sake; they are good friends, I am trying to keep everything 'normal', but I am finding it harder day by day. I am dreading the return to school in the summer as I will have to spend my days dodging this person, so that we do not have an embarrasing situation.

My friends and family outside school are aware of the problem and are very supportive. Just writing this down has helped but if anyone has any suggestions or helpful advice, it would be appreciated. Thanks

you don't say what has caused you to be no longer friends. have you just drifted apart or was there a particular issue/incident?

Bookend, I really understand what you ae going through as I'm going through something similar and find it quite uncomfortable to bump with her. In our case there has been a lot of gossiping aroudn (it seems, it makes a good gossip that two god friend can't longer speak to each other). At the end I found it so stressful that stop attending gatherings where both were likely to meet. Obvoiously, in your case this is not an option. If I could follow my head I would say hello to her and byebye after we meet won't ask her anything won't give any info about my self, and would expect for the thing to cool down by itself, you may not become friends again but at least you will be in civilised terms. Thats my head.. though and I'm not remakably known for using it

Bookend - I am in almost the same position but at nursery. Kids are good friends but we have drifted apart.

Just be polite, say hello and leave it at that.

Why is it stressful to see her at school? Is she trying to draw you in conversation?

Good Luck

I'm in a similar situation to Chandra.
In my head I would like to drop my ex-friend (sounds so childish I know, there was a parenting issue we couldn't agree on so me and Dh stopped our kids from seeing hers) a card through the door saying I am sorry things didn't work out and I do remember and value the support and friendship we gave each other when our boys were very little.

Amazingly, as she lives in the same cul de sac, we hardly ever bump in to each other and then it's a wave and a 'how are you' as we carry on walking in opposite directions.

In answer to your request for advice Bookend, I would say it would be wise but hard to grab 2 minutes with this woman and say something like, ' we know there is an issue, we know we have to see each other at the school gates, let's be civil and brief and just get on with it '

Easier said than done as I well know,

Sympathies and good luck

granarybeck....there was never any words said or things done. This sort of happened without me realising the seriousness of it.

Last year, I thought I'd done something (did not know what)and waited for days, months for her to say what it was, we continued to see each other but I felt things weren't the same - as she seemed distant.

So I backed off and so presumably she then thought I had a problem with her. Anyway, this is where we are at now.... I just wish I had a time machine and maybe I would have said the right thing (is there a problem? we need to talk, are friendship is in trouble) at the right time.

Why parenting issues can separate best friends? I really wonder... we were very good friends and even though I was not a child person I enjoyed all her endless talks about the miracles her baby was doing and celebrated with her every little milestone. As soon as my baby was born, she doesn't have a nice word for my enthusiasm for any of my baby's achievements she only said things like "o yeahh... all babies do that", later started gossiping with other friends about how cruel I was for using GF book and making the thing even worse when the routines worked so well for my son. She was always condemning my methods but she was so sensitive to any question that at the end it was best to bin the friendship, it was exhausting to be walking on egg shells all the time...
Puff!!! ... sorry for kidnaping the thread..

oops crossposted

Bookend, probably you are still on time, is there any chance that you can ask her for a coffee and tell her you really don't understand what is wrong and would like to know if there's a way to fix the problem?

Chandra, till the other day we were at that stage of hello and goodbye. Then I noticed that she was going out of her way to avoid me and it hurt.

I am still very fond of her as we had a supportive friendship, where I envisaged us being friends into our dotage.

I feel now that if she has to talk to me she would react as if she has been backed into a corner and I wouldn't want that.

childish, it is just that her reaction is so cold and it pains me not to see her welcoming smile. I am trying my best to keep out of her way, for both our sakes. We are both private people and would not want others to know the situation.

suzywong, my dh advised me that it is best to wait till the hols and then try and talk to her. Its' the whole school tooing and froing which makes it impossible to have an honest talk. Thanks for your advice

Chandra, thanks for all your suggestions. As I said to suzywong, I will wait for the hols and then 'be brave' (I couldn't stand the rejection) and have a talk.

You can do two things:
-Smile and say hello anyway (head speaking)

• Hide yourself and pretend you don't know her.(Stupid chandra speaking... I tend to overprotect myself sometimes )

I think it sounds like you have had a misunderstanding and it has got out of hand. If the friendship was as good as you say surely it is worth trying to salvage. If you get nowhere you haven't really lost anything as the friendship has all but gone now anyway.
Is it not worth a try ?

OOOOOOHHH Crossposted again!!! will get a typing cuse soon!!!

Good point from DH, bookend.
It's really saddening to have this kind of problem in your life once you are an adult isn't it? It seems to me that the friendships you make when your children are very very young carry an intense characteristic that leaves you both very vulnerable and confused if it goes sour.

Maybe it's because we are in a heightened state of giving when our kids are so little that we get so easily offended and then find it hard to react to the situation as adults.
Ho hum

I am definitely going to put a note through my ex door before we leave the country though. This thread has helped me decide

you are so right suzywong, I have great difficulty in making good friends and it develops over years and its awful when it ends like this. Who is this ex?

thanks kayleigh, I will try to think of a way to contact my friend as it will spoil the summer hols not to mention our return to school.

Chandra you are 'crossposting' like mad . Thanks for all your support it made lots of sense. See if I can be brave and address the problem with her.