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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Fearful of controlling, bullying XP

1 reply

Janos · 04/04/2007 19:43

Previously posted on a thread about ex traying to take over custody....anyway, I have been in touch with a solicitor who has sent him a letter suggesting we lay out a formal custody agreement. My ex should have received that letter today and frankly I'm dreading his response, even though I haven't asked for anything unreasonable, as his temper is awful.

Also have spoken to CSA (just for advice) who told me that in the current situation it's very unlikely I would get custody, so looks like I can forget that.

However, I'm trying to take the view that it's a small price to pay for having my own piece of mind and my own place to leave.

My main concern really is that I'm so fearful of his reaction - DS is currently staying ther and I'm worried what he will in terms of limiting access if he is 'provoked' in any way (and I think that's what this leetter will do). He won't do it directly but insidiously.

It upsets me that he still has this level of 'control' over my emotions and it's left me questioning myself and lacking in any confidence.

Do I need to get a grip? I feel it's important to stand up to him but in reality I am so fearful of any confrontation.

OP posts:
nowornever · 04/04/2007 22:29

fear and avoidance of confrontation are perfectly natural and instinctive - it's a key way we protect our children. But not very helpful at times like these. I am rubbish at confrontation myself too.

Three pieces of advice:

  • plan ahead: you know he's likely to lose his temper. Practice mentally keeping your cool, not getting drawn in. Find a useful neutral phrase (therapists say 'I am sorry you feel like that') that will keep you detached
  • keep your eyes on the prize: decide what you want (eg ds at home with you) and don't get distracted from this in a confrontation (ie don't get sidetracked into a row about anything else)
  • remind yourself why you 'deserve' what it is you want - what you're good at, why you are a good mum, what it was in your marriage that you deserve not to have to put up with any more

Good luck

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