Equal distribution

[minimalist99]

I am a SAHM of two toddlers DD who is 1 year old and 2.5 DS. I am with the kids all day and my husband works. I feel like I have no free time I don't go anywhere unless it's a doctors appointment for myself and I go to the gym at 5:30 am before the kids wake up if the kids are awake my DH changes their nappies and at a stretch he will feed them breakfast.

After he comes back from work he bathes them but I am expected to get their pj's etc ready and so it takes both of us to complete let's this task.

My DH often complains that he doesn't get to do anything apart from work and go to the gym during his lunch break. I feel like the same but he always makes a point to state that his job is more important as he is the breadwinner of the family. I know he does this by purposes and this results in making me feel inferior and question our relationship. Obviously he attends work dinners and events and gets time to socialise whereas I attend mother and toddler groups and take the children to activities such as swimming and gymnastics.

In the evenings when the kids are asleep i tidy up and do the rest of errands and give my husband his dinner and we often just sit on the sofa and watch something usually of his choice, I'm usually exhausted and I swan off to bed earlier than he does, so I don't feel like having sex and as a result I just don't want to get intimate with my husband.

The quality of our relationship has deteriorated as a result of the above and occasionally we will go for a date or watch a movie of his choice. I feel like I do things solely for my husband and children and I hardly make time for myself. I suffer from PND as a result of all the changes in my life. I was self employed but after getting pregnant with our DS and DD I was unable to keep the business afloat. I am struggling to be a good mother I wish I could get rid of this feeling but I just can't shake it off. So what I wanted to know is

A) if I am unreasonable in feeling like I don't get enough time to do things for myself?

B) how can I stop feeling resentful towards my husband because I feel like my life has changed far more than his?

C) are there any couples who have gone through this? What did you to resolve this issue and improve your relationship?

D) is there hope for us?

A)

You have a voice & you should communicate what you want & need rather than stewing over it.
I'm sure if he was posting his version of events it'd be completely different. Fingers crossed you find some common ground, just sounds like you're both taking each other for granted. Could you switch roles maybe?

I think that with with such young, closely spaced kids, it's just going to be tough for both you and your dh. Are things better than they were a year ago? My kids are 19 months apart, and it gradually kept getting better.

Some of the ways that you and your dh talk to each aren't helpful. Neither of you has the "more important job". I think you need to try to talk to your husband about how you feel, the fact that you feel unhappy and put down, and that feeling unloved and that your endless work isn't appreciated is most luckily related to your lack of desire to have sex. You see him working at being a good father, and a good provider, but that the two of you need to work at being a couple again.

We went through it. We tried different things. It really helped when the kids went to uni!

It's a small thing I know but why are you always watching things that he chooses?

The sparrowhark

We end up watching what he wants because when we first met I wasn't a massive movie person, he was and he thought the movies/programmes I watched were rubbish. So I ended up letting him choose

You've listed two ways he puts you down:

1. he thinks movies/programmes you like are rubbish.
2. he thinks your work of raising the children isn't as important as his work.

Are there other ways that he puts you down? I think that the put downs related to the feelings of resentment. What does he like about you? What kind of compliments does he give?

Could you schedule an outing with a friend, go see a chick flick together or something? Leave him with the children and go have some fun with a friend for a few hours.

Trailing wife:

He tends to say that I create problems that don't exist even though there are problems that exist in the relationship, he also makes me feel as if I am not allowed to feel anything but happy. He continuously says that I am trying to provide for this family and put food on the table as if he is trying to imply that he's doing the more "important" role. I appreciate that he is the main breadwinner but I also feel like I am contributing towards our family by looking after our beautiful children and other house work around the house. Yes I am not answerable to a boss but I do feel like I try to contribute in anyway I can. We are in the process of moving house and last night he said "I'm not being funny but you should be licking my ass considering I bought the house that you like."

I hope it does get better and I really hope I am able to be a better mother and wife because I am not feeling great at the moment.

He says he used to like the old me the confident,self assured and ambitious version. That changed and I changed after getting married to him and having children. I found it hard juggling motherhood and slowly I began to give myself to him and the kids. At times I feel like an empty cup just pouring out things but eventually I will have nothing left :(

He occasionally compliments me when I dress up, I hardly dress up these days and am usually rocking a mum bun and joggers or anything else that's clean. I haven't managed to loose all of the baby weight and I am working towards loosing it. I just feel and look frumpy and fat.

oh sweetie, you sound really down.

It sounds like he feels very entitled, and that he lacks empathy for your feelings. That is a very difficult situation.

What happens when you try to stand up to him? Like if you called him out on the "lick my ass" comment?

You are at a difficult stage of life because your children are so young and so close together, and I honestly think that no matter how things were going with your DH you would feel tired and gived out. None the less, it sounds like there are some fundamental problems with the relationship. Your work is very important because you have such an impact on how the kids turn out. It sounds like he isn't loving toward you or supportive of you.

Why do you question if you're a good mother?

"I'm not being funny but you should be licking my ass considering I bought the house that you like."

Jesus Christ, what a complete cunt. No wonder you feel shit most days. How fucking dare he?

Is he resentful that your business isn't making money anymore? Is that what his problem is? Or does he actually want you to be a SAHM? He sounds devoid of empathy and really nasty tbh.

If I were you I'd go back to work, even if just part time for now, and spend any money earned on ensuring I get out of the house for my own hobbies and interests. And in time, you can switch to full time and feel some independence and zest coming back into your life. And maybe be able to leave this waste of space

Trailing wife:
When I call him out on comments like that and reply by telling him well that's your duty as a father to provide for your children and make sure you have them fed and have a roof over their head you don't need a pat on the back for that, he gets pissed and says well how do you think we can afford all those things and you accuse me of not caring I do and the argument just goes round and round in circles. Last night I told him it's because of how I feel our sex life is non existent he replied by saying that "it's not my fault you can't see how hard I am trying."

Bees and knees

I am no longer self employed my business is well and truly dead. I haven't attempted to resurrect it because I am struggling to look after the kids and all the other household errands. He said that he would want me to be a SAHM till the kids are old enough to go to nursery and I agreed to it because I felt like I should spend time with them when they're young.

He said that he would want me to be a SAHM till the kids are old enough to go to nursery

If that's the case then, you honestly need to call him out in a different way to what you describe in your post to TrailingWife. I'd say something like,

"Could you work on being less rude please? I feel embarrassed for you that you'd say something like that to your partner and the mother of your children."

And then shut down every other thing he says. Do not be drawn in to him trying to explain why it's OK for him to talk like that to you - because it's never ok. EVER.

Just keep repeating "You can feel however you like about me staying home with the children. You can resent me having emotions as much as you like. I only ask that you'd keep it to yourself because I won't tolerate you being that rude to me."

And then in the background, honestly I would pack in the SAHM stuff and get back into work. That is probably the only chance your marriage has. You married someone who thinks that people who don't make money are not entitled to have emotions, or to be regarded with love and respect - if you want to stay married to him, you need to start making money again, sorry.

And in any case, I'd start making money again for your own sanity. Put the children in childcare, they'll love it once they adjust, and get back into working so that you can have the space and identity that your DH won't permit you to have as long as he's the sole breadwinner.

If he complains that he DOES want you to be a SAHM, the response is easy:

"You made it crystal clear to me that you didn't respect me when I was a SAHM. So, in order to save the marriage and ensure the DC didn't learn that that was normal, I've needed to make the choice you were daring me to make. If you don't like it, I'd advise you to chat to a therapist about how to sort out how you treat other human beings"

The kids are old enough to go to nursery now so what age is he thinking? Three?

If you could find a job would you want to go back to work and between you both afford nursery for two? Would you both manage drop-offs and pick-ups between you? If you don't go back to work soon will it be harder to get back into what industry you are in? Or perhaps you could start up the self-employment again once they're in nursery if you feel it can bring in enough.

Don't completely sacrifice for him or any man - note: he is asking you to do just that by saying he doesn't want them in nursery now. There's numerous stories on here of women that have done just that, not been appreciated and been left in very precarious positions of no work, no career they can pick up the thread of, no financial income of their own, no savings and age not in their favour.

Tell him what you want. If that's a few hours off at the weekend or him to pick up a job that has fallen to you, a set amount of time each week and some personal money to buy something with. Or perhaps time to do a course.

Most women are in a vulnerable position financially when they have kids. How that turns out depends on the man they are with. Many end up with knobs. I did. Luckily I was able to get back into work and become self-sufficient and didn't need him. Start thinking of the worst case scenario and protecting yourself from that.

When I said most women are vulnerable when they have kids I meant if they stay off work long term, not so much if they take maternity leave and go back.

give my husband his dinner

Fuck that.

Two toddlers is a full time job.

There is absolutely no reason why you should be fetching this man his bloody dinner every night!

Honestly, I'm usually a bit at odds with many posters on here because I do think the SAHP should pick up most of the domestic stuff, I believe that they often do have more time.

But not those ages. You're working full time too. There's so much wrong in the way he speaks to you, but that little detail stood out for me.

Where's the love in all this?

You can argue about who is doing what till the cows come home but there has to be a basis of love and understanding surely?

I have no idea how to move forward

I read a book once about making the decision to stay or go.
One thing stuck with me. It said, think back to when your relationship was at its best. Be honest. Was it enough, even then?

I thought of that when you said in the early days pre kids, he was already criticising your TV choices and you were already just giving in to that.

My fiancé likes to watch football and I don't. I prefer no TV and he likes some. Neither of us ridicule the other, and neither of us feel we have to put up with football on / TV off.
Instead, we watch travel documentaries together - that's our common ground.

If I were you, thinking about moving forward, I would think hard about whether what you had at its best is worth salvaging, if you can.

Then, even before talking to him, I would have a long think about what you want, what it acceptable to you. e.g. What is a fair split of tasks, and what is unacceptable for him to say - like his job being more important

OP how are you feeling right now?
Do you feel you can talk to him? Are you stressing about feeling you can't talk to him?

Talk to us about how you feel and what you want, and maybe we can help you.

There is some great advice on this thread already.

The more you talk about the relationship, the more red flags I see. In addition to putting you down, he also says he wants you home and then tells you repeatedly that your work doesn't have value. When you try to call him out for being rude, he turns it around so nothing is his fault. He does a weird combination of making your life a misery while making it sound like you should be grateful. You can't win with him.

It sounds like he distracts you from the real issues, so that in the end, you feel icky but you can't work out why.

Some ideas:
Even though it may be hard to see a way out right now, you could start working on an exit plan. I think the advice to put children in nursery and get a job, at least part time, is good. Think about what else you could do to prepare for an eventual break.

If he has isolated you from friends and family, try to start rebuilding those relationships. (He sounds like the type who would).

There's a good book called "why does he do that" by Bancroft. Don't let him know about it, but get a copy and start reading. Not all of it will apply, but I think that some parts will and that they could help you sort out what is going on in your relationship.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

You move forward by telling him he's the one who wanted you to be a stay at home mother so why now all of a sudden is he trying to make you feel bad for it.

Why don't you take a step back and make your own decision, do you want to be a stay at home mum? Could you look for part time work? Evening work? Just something to get you out of the house and give you some confidence back.

You sound extremely down and I think your husband is a complete twat for how he's making you feel, why ask you to be a stay at home mum then act like it's something to be frowned upon? Does he realise that if you weren't there he would have nobody to keep the house in order or care for his kids, two massive jobs right there!! And also HE hasn't bought the house you liked, you've both bought a house your a family unit, your MARRIED!! Can't stand men who think like him.