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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Life Changing Decision, advice please

24 replies

ladygaga14 · 15/09/2017 08:18

So I decided to return to studies to chase my dream career. My OH wasn't happy as was really worried about finances. We split up then got back together after he came round to the idea, sold some things & I was set to go. A week later I had serious doubts about leaving my full time position & going back to uni as it's an hour & a half drive each way & so decided to stay on at work. My OH is furious & has split up with me again & says it's for good. Reality of the travel only hit as the start date was looming & as the fog cleared I just don't know how I would have fitted everything in. I would have been exhausted & unlikely to stay on top of my studies. I understand he is really upset & have tried to apologise for all the upset. I've explained that I didn't realise how much I actually enjoy my work & the work life balance it provides me with until I was close to throwing it away. I'm sad that I won't be going back to study my chosen field but I feel the travel was just a stretch too far (he wasn't willing to relocate) if anyone has any advice, I'm all ears x

OP posts:

Ropsleybunny · 15/09/2017 08:21

I don't know what advice you're asking for. You seem to have decided to stick with your job.

Worriedrose · 15/09/2017 08:26

Seems a bit odd that he has a massive hissy fit and ends things each time you make a decision
There must be more back story to this, is it something you do all the time? It could get quite exhausting living with someone like that

Original poster

ladygaga14 · 15/09/2017 08:26

I just don't really know if he is being unreasonable or not. I know I've caused a lot of upset but people make mistakes & he's making me feel like I've committed crime of the century. Calling me stupid & saying he never wants to see me again for putting him through it. I've tried reasoning with him to no avail.

OP posts:

Original poster

ladygaga14 · 15/09/2017 08:29

No, not all the time. I have wanted to do the course for a long time & always told him that. The reality of trying to fit the 3hr round trip, an intense degree with placements, family & part time work just hit me. I still have my job and can stay on. I thought it better to make decision now than a few weeks/months down the line when I have no job to fo back to.

OP posts:

catiinbo0ts · 15/09/2017 08:29

He sounds like an idiot. He's done you a favour OP.

AJPTaylor · 15/09/2017 08:30

Gosh. If this is the worst life has thrown at him he has been lucky.

Partner wants to go to uni. He is worried about it leaves

Partnet doesnt want to go to uni. Throws toys out leaves.

I would let him get on with it. Nothing wrong with changing your mins.

LineysRunner · 15/09/2017 08:31

Well if he's split up with you for good, you could relocate to your chosen university town next year maybe.

Fernie6491 · 15/09/2017 08:32

Could you maybe study via the Open University? It might take longer but would enable you to continue with your job, and save having to uproot. Also the advantage of studying as much or as little when you are able.

Timefortea99 · 15/09/2017 08:32

Look upon this as a new start. Embrace your life/job - without him. Don't chase him.

decentchap · 15/09/2017 08:34

Perhaps a little more pre-planning would have helped. Being spontaneous is good but recognise others may not be, especially with life's fundamentals. Do your actions reflect an unease with life and possibly age?
I wouldnt do this 'changing life' stuff too often and certainly not without thinking the full import through. That said, your other half seems a little too 'frantic'. Maybe its because you have this tendency or he has 'permanence' issues. I have been married for 30 years and have managed to cope with mine. He's a bit wobbly.

Original poster

ladygaga14 · 15/09/2017 09:22

Unfortunately the course has no distance/flexible options otherwise that would have been perfect

OP posts:

Original poster

ladygaga14 · 15/09/2017 09:23

Yes- I'll admit I left everything to last minute. I have apologised profusely for it & my intention was not to hurt anyone

OP posts:

Original poster

ladygaga14 · 15/09/2017 09:25

Thanks , I'm sure I won't be the 1st/last person to make a mistake. I actually think I've avoided a big mistake. I didn't handle it well at all & messed up & I'll take that one on the chin. I just don't think it warrants never wanting to see me again

OP posts:

Original poster

ladygaga14 · 15/09/2017 09:26

Not really any back story other than I have said for years I really wanted to do it but the reality has suddenly set it

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 15/09/2017 09:34

I'm also not sure what you are asking. But I have to agree with your DP I would have been furious too at your dithering. I hate uncertainty and stress. Just as he'd come to terms with the financial difficulties that you studying full time would bring, then you changed your mind. It's probably better that you decided against the course before you resigned from your job and then dropped out.

MorrisZapp · 15/09/2017 09:36

Do you live together?

Worriedrose · 15/09/2017 09:57

I'm still not sure I would finish with someone for that reason. I would be annoyed, but that's about it
is he just being dramatic for effect, so you go begging him to come back and then he's got a stick to beat you with.

Ginslinger · 15/09/2017 10:01

He's done you a favour really, although it probably doesn't feel like it now. He's unsupportive and a petulant twat and you deserve much better. Maybe consider moving closer to the university and reapply for next year. Meanwhile heave a sigh of relief that you've got rid of some excess, useless baggage.

Mrsmadevans · 15/09/2017 10:17

You have done nothing wrong my dear.
This is what a relationship looks like.
I want to study and give up job AND after loads of discussion and lots of worries we both decide to go for it. After a while I realise I can't do it and I need to stay put for now . I tell my oh and we discuss it for a bit and they say 'it is ultimately up to you love I will back you whatever you decide '.
Not throw a hissy fit like a child ffs .
OP I repeat , YOU DID NOTHING WRONG!

Theycalledmethewildrose · 15/09/2017 10:24

Separate the issues - the course and your relationship.

I'd relocate to do the course that you only discarded due to commuting unless you were only going to be in a position to do it if your OH funded you while you were doing it.

Do you have children? If you are trying to save the relationship, I'd suggest some sort of counselling so you can both understand each other and what drives you both and what security you both need.

If your DH says the relationship is over, and this is the second time, it has broken up, then perhaps it isn't the healthiest relationship for either of you.

user1487689176 · 15/09/2017 10:45

So he threw a shit fit and ended things because you made a decision concerning your own life and then repeated the wobbly when you changed your mind? This is a blessing OP. In a normal loving relationship both parties would talk through big decisions but his only proper response should have been 'I will support you in whatever path you decide to take'.

You can still get in on clearing! It's not too late! Move to the uni town and begin your new life!

Original poster

ladygaga14 · 15/09/2017 11:00

Unfortunately I can't afford to do it alone as I don't get funding for my course.

OP posts:

Ellisandra · 15/09/2017 11:14

"OH" is such a woolly term.
If he's just your boyfriend then getting the arse over your career plans is out of order.

But from later posts it sounds like you would rely on him financially to go to uni, and as you mention balancing family, might even have kids.

Much as I like to think I'd support my partner financially for a career change, it's a big deal. I would like to understand the full story about the first split before concluding that he was a shit fit throwing arsehole.

It was obviously a massive change and decision for you to get back together. If I'd gone through all that, and the adjustments, sold things, then you changed your mind... yeah, I'd be exasperated.

Of course it's not the crime of the century - and it's far better than you have the strength to change your mind. You don't deserve a kicking over that.

But re him leaving again - is this a fairly hefty straw breaking a camel's back?

Theycalledmethewildrose · 15/09/2017 11:16

To look at it from his point of view - you wanted to do a course that meant a huge outgoing and a cut in income that affected both of you. He was worried about the affordability of it and wasn't happy about it. You persuaded him that it was the better option for you, and presumably sold all the advantages that doing this course would have for your future and would benefit both of you financially down the road. Over time, he came to believe you were right and agreed to take the hit in the short term. Then a week before you were due to start, you pulled out of it.

To be fair to him, he probably feels completely railroaded. It is easy to say he should support your every move but this also impacted him and money worries affect some people more than others.

Imagine if he said he was going to work abroad. You said you weren't happy about it. He said it would be better financially in the long term. You finally relented and agreed to support his move. He then chose to cancel his move a week before he was due to go. You'd feel completely out of control in the relationship and I think this may be what is troubling him.

What is worrying is his reaction is to walk away when you have a big disagreement and it isn't the first time. You need to decide if this relationship is worth saving and if so, you might find couples counselling beneficial to see what other approaches you can use to communicate. Otherwise even if you get back together now, he will throw in the towel again when you have the next big upset.

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