I think I'm probably over reacting but need some other's opinions.....

[shouldhavebeenme]

Right , background. Been with DH for 22 hrs. Two young kids. Usual ups and downs during those years but I love him and am sure as anyone can be that he loves me.
He recently had to track down and old ex to deal with some financial stuff that had been left over from when they over together. It was quite a tumultuous relationship and when we first met I often felt that he had a lot of unanswered questions and baggage from their relationship. She definitely left a mark.

When we had to get the financial stuff resolved, I was quite level headed (I think) and told DH the sensible thing to do would be to speak to her directly. He was surprised and said he didn't know if he'd be so laid back about it if the shoe was on the other foot. They spoke, we got the info we needed and I thought that was the end of it. But I discovered today that he's been regularly checking her FB page. Every second day or so with the last fornight. I can't see if there have been any private messages.

Why am I fuckig raging? I feel about 14 !!! (I'm 43 !!!!) I'm probably being hypocritical as when I first went on FB I remember trying to look up a few ex's. Out of morbid curiosity though and being a nosey cow, I would never have contacted them and I don't think of any of them in that way. DH is/ has been my only real love.

Would you let this go or be concerned?

I think from what you've said you can see why he would be doing this and it still be innocent. I also think it sounds like you have a good enough relationship for you to be able to talk to him truthfully and tell him you're feeling a bit insecure. If all is well then he'll be eager to reassure you that you're the only one for him.

I'm saying this presuming that you have actually been together for longer than 22 hours.

Oops! Yes, had a large glass of wine so that should read 22yrs 😀

Well it is standard to look up ex's on Facebook. Going back and looking repeatedly though... hmmm.

I would be worried he's having a fansasy fling with her in his head.

Tell him you've seen and try to nip it in the bud.

Financial stuff from at least 22 yrs ago ?

What on earth could that be ?

Financial issues from over 22 years ago??

I'd let it go for the time being. But it does sound strange that there is 'financial stuff' going back 22 years. That sounds much odder than any FB checking.

I think his behaviour is totally normal. We must all have done our fair share of Facebook stalking in the past.
My only concern is that he may feel he has unfinished business with her, and he's at the perfect age for a mid life crisis. So I would just do what the pp are saying and let him know that you know what he has been up to, you understand why he has done it but it's time to put her back in the past cupboard where she belongs. And she needs to stay there. Then, because men are so simple generally, be a nice wife to him, cook his fave dinner, shag his brains out and all thoughts of her will be driven from his manly mind. ( although I too am married and a similar age to you you may detect a touch of cynicism in my words. My hubbys ex contacted him a few years ago. I let him message her a few times, and then made sure she went back to where she belonged. Every husband is different of course but my husband's major concerns seem to be his belly and his knob so he is pretty easy to manage like that!!)

Financial stuff - an old insurance policy. Don't want to go into all that here, it's sorted.

Yorkshire - yes belly and knob are normally his main concerns too.

Lmao at belly and knob.

Op - I'm a nosey cow and will sometimes have a good old stalk at people's profiles. Done it with all my exes even though I am not in the least bit interested in getting back with them or anything. When you first reconnect you are a lot nosier and then it fizzles out

Think I'm more annoyed by the fact that they've actually spoke and he's still feeling that need to stalk/have a nosey. Don't know why I looked at his history. Suppose I don't trust him as much as I think I do although he's never given me any reason not to.

Erm
Sorry but I've done this. I hope if my DH ever discovers my username he understands the following and isn't too upset.

I made friends with an ex on Facebook after randomly bumping into him and having a little chat. He sent me a friend request a week later which I accepted.

DH and I have been together for years but ex and I didn't split as we had a dramatic fall out or bust up. We were just young and split as I moved away.
I thought about him from time to time and when our paths crossed I thought he'd aged well and was still very attractive.

Anyway, I looked at his profile A LOT at first. DH and I weren't having problems, got along great, he's the absolute love of my life but ex is still handsome and I was curious about his life now.
Ex was single and would private message me occasionally. To start with it was the odd reminiscing about mutual friends or funny events. Then it got a little bit flirty and I'll admit to enjoying the attention.

Then I gave my head a wobble and stopped replying to any messages.
Now I am embarrassed.
Ex was lovely.
I used to think he was the one that got away until I met DH.

I married a wonderful man and if he ever found out that I got flirty I'd be mortified.

Your DH may look at her profile out of curiosity but that's not to say he wants to have an affair, I know I didn't.
I'd chill out a bit and see how things go?
A loving spouse and two kids isn't something that can be thrown away easily. Don't you think your DH knows that?
Is he a decent bloke?
Would you have any reason to doubt him if you didn't know about the Facebook snooping?
Is he acting odd?

I bet it's nothing.

Repeatedly looking up her FB is unnecessary unless he's interested again, as op said, prime time for a mid life crisis. Maybe he's reliving his youth, or planning the next step where he'll be reminiscing with her about the old days, while getting a bit of an ego stroke. Let him know you find the regularity a bit much, and ask what his reasoning for it is.
Could be worse. My OH looked up an old gf on FB while working away. The next search in his history was 'sexy nurses' (images). Yes, she is a nurse.

Thanks for the replies. She now lives in the US which would make a real life meet up unlikely but that's not really making me feel any better.

UnFucking - He's a decent guy. No reason to doubt him otherwise. He can be insecure sometimes though and if, over the years, we've ever had reason to mention previous partners or experiences, he'd admit feeling quite jealous. I've never really felt that (until now!) as the past was in the past.

Windy Ouch! That's a sore one.

Yeah, I wasn't best impressed. Just stumbled upon it while looking for something else too, so who knows what else he spends his time looking at...tw*t.

The fact that he said he wouldn't be so calm about contacting an ex if the shoe was on the other foot suggested that he still had feelings for her and would presume you would have feelings for an ex too.
However, 22yrs and kids, life moves on and he's married to you now. It's possible he's ruminating over "what ifs" in which case, pop his secret fantasy bubble, tell him you know that he's been checking her profile and ask him to be open and honest with you

Personally, I think that because you gave him the green light to contact her, he has felt the self imposed boundary has moved. Communication is important. A great deal of people have unresolved issues with exes and first loves. A lot of people think of the what ifs. Talk to him, tell him you feel uncomfortable with him staying in touch. Don't be a hypocrite though. You must be absolutely squeaky clean and not use it as a ticket to resolve your own what ifs. It is very difficult, and if you or he are not completely honest from the start, it can lead to real hurt. I know this from first hand experience. Good luck.

Pink - I think the insecurity/trust issue stems from childhood stuff ( he's seeing someone about this) but he was also told by other parties that she cheated on him and she lied a lot. When we first got together I felt I was paying for her sins. When we were talking about him contacting her to get the info, etc that we needed, he was quite honest and said that he often wanted to ask her if what he was told was true.

I honestly don't have any what ifs ( hope I'm not coming across as thinking I have the moral high ground). I was very lucky with my past relationships insofar as no one scarred me or left me with baggage. They were all nice enough guys and things just fizzled out. I was only 21 when I met DH and quite naive now I think about it.

If she has allowed her friends to be visible on her profile he may be using it to look for other old friends she's kept in touch with but he hasn't.

I've done this - cyberstalked an old acquaintance to see if I can find someone else.

I've also cyberstalked exes out of curiosity. Mainly to see whether they have aged better than I have....!