Middle aged husband can't keep a job

[Sally1234567]

Right. I haven't really posted here before and this is a bit of a long story but I am at my wits end.

I went freelance about 10 years ago after leaving a secure job with a well-known employer and have made a reasonable success of it.

My husband, who was with the same employer, left two years after me to start his own business and turned out to be really bad at being self employed.

He hates working on his own, doesn't have the discipline to keep books and doesn't believe in advertising, network etc - he just thinks word of mouth should be enough. What's more, whereas I have been turned into a bit of a workaholic by being self-employed, mainly because I adore my job and just want to do nothing else, he just wants to do 9-5 and come home and put his feet up. As anyone who's ever been self-employed knows, this approach simply doesn't work when you're your own boss.

We struggled along for eight years with me being the breadwinner, although I barely earn enough to pay all our bills and there's nothing left over for major things like holidays or house repairs. He brought in some money, but it was less than the minimum wage.

I managed to swallow down my feelings of resentment at having to do everything (you guessed it - lion's share of kids and housework too) as well as my more-than-fulltime work, as I figured he had just taken a wrong turn in life and it would somehow work its way through.

He went from self-employment to agency work, but continually fell out with the people he worked with. He was in quite a senior management role in his previous job, and I think felt he was working a bit beneath himself, so reading between the lines I think the people he was working for picked up that he was judging them. He didn't last long in all but one of the agency jobs he did. The last one was in quite a 'posh' town so he got on better with the people he was working with as he felt they were more on his level.

Earlier this year he managed to land a proper job. Good salary, not too long a commute, got on well (for once) with the people he worked with. I thought our troubles were over and started to make plans, to hope that we could take the Financial brakes off and I could start not to worry that if I got cancer or a serious injury our whole family would be plunged into poverty overnight.

I found out today that two weeks before his six-month probationary period was up, his boss has called him in and hauled him over the coals for the fact that he hasn't gone the extra mile on things like completing paperwork (extra work outside working hours - which he doesn't like to do) and he also has been doing the job the way he wants to do it, not how they want him to do it.

They've extended his probationary period and are prepared to work with him to see if they can sort it out, to their credit - but my bet is, because I know my husband, that he is going to lose this job too.

I am heartbroken, depressed, and fighting down feelings that my husband is a useless waste of space. Most of the time I do not think this - he's actually a kind bloke who is thoughtful and tries to do right by me and the girls.

But I'm actually beginning to think he's unemployable, and this is taking its toll on me in particular, as I don't want to shoulder the burden and responsibility of our household finances for the rest of my working life; and on our relationship, as it's not good for his self-esteem so he gets depressed (oh yes, forgot to mention, he suffers from clinical depression too) and I find it hard not to get resentful about the extra load it heaps on my shoulders and blame it on him.

We have been married over 20 years and have late teenage children who will be off to college within two or three years. Our marriage hasn't been great for a long time: we get on just fine day to day, and I do love him but it's become a very brother-sister sort of love - I would always want the best for him, but that's as far as it goes. To be honest, this situation with his work and the strain this has placed on us has killed off anything that might have been there before.

I will have to live with this until after the kids have gone anyway: having struggled through this far without splitting up I don't see that a few more years will make much difference, and it will make all the difference in the world to the children.

We don't row about it, so they aren't getting particularly upset; they know there's something wrong but we are quite open about this within the family, within reason. Obviously they don't completely understand as they're not adults yet, and they don't know the lack of feeling I have about their father, but they know the score, more or less.

I just wondered if there was anyone out there who had been through anything similar and had words of advice about how I can cope with this. Or just anything that would make me feel better and more able to live with him without having to fight down the feelings of rage, unfairness, blame, and total disappointment in him.

I have no idea what will happen once the children have gone. The sad thing is that until this happened, I had more or less decided I would be much worse off without the companionship and love he offers me. He seems to be happy with staying with me, in fact he's said he wants us to stay together despite the fact that I don't feel as strongly about him any more. So I thought if that's what he wants, and he doesn't mind my lukewarm responses to him, then being with someone you love but aren't in love with is better than being on my own, isn't it?

But now that it looks like he's lost this job too I find all those feelings welling up again and I just want to kick him out and never see him again. It feels like he is a dead weight around my neck, a lead balloon I have to drag around with me wherever I go. I could scream with the frustration of it all.

Thank you to anyone who has read this far: it has really helped to pour out my heart, I do have good friends and have talked to them too but they also see my husband regularly and I don't want to put him in too awkward a position, so I have held back a bit. Any words of advice, criticism, encouragement, experience... please.

I know what you're going through in some ways. Mine held down a job, but we lived our lives as room mates and parents, and it was soul destroying. You have one life. Do you still want to be in this situation in 2 or 5 or 10 years?

If you dont feel it, then no amount of job security from him will ever put it right. Parents split, children are pretty resiliant and you have a chance to change your entire future here. You may meet someone else, who knows, but you need to start living for you. The children will leave home, move on, you need to focus on you, what will benefit you and take steps to make it happen.

I wonder if your husband has adult ADHD. He has some classic signs of it. Can't hold a job, can't motivate himself regardless of the repercussions, etc. No matter what his reason or problems are, I think you desperately need therapy, if only to help yourself deal with the crushing frustration you have.

You are being too soft with him .He hasn't lost the job yet and needs to be put in the picture about you actually feel .If he's single he can do what he wants but he has a partner and responsibilities -he needs to grow up .
A kind man would not let his wife do all the work -a lazy ,selfish man would

I would give him one chance to man up and do this job properly. Is he on medication for depressed? Reading , l was thinking , this guy is depressed before you said it.
My dh was diagnosed with bipolar in his late 40s. After a while he could no longer continue in what was an extremely stressful job. So we agreed he would retire. But that was after him practically killing himself to try and keep going so l couldn't accuse him of not trying. He ha
d supported me as a sahm previously so it was now my turn. He also took over most cooking, ferrying of kids and housework. Is he preparedd to do that even so you possibly could earn more. My dh gets small aamount on disability and out mortgage was paid earlier mostly by him. It hasn't been easy but l am not resentful as he gave it his best shot. His health has improved with no work stress.
Your dh needs to show willing to improve in this job. Saying he doesn't do paperwork..we would all love that.
Looking at adhd might be a good idea.
Can he qualify for disability?

This actually is a real problem. He can't change. He's not going to suddenly have a personality transplant, is he?
This leaves you in a very tricky situation.
Is that deep in your heart you feel you ought to leave, but can't?

I was in a very similar boat to you OP. I left, mainly because it took me falling for someone else to realise how unhappy i was being the main breadwinner and taking all the burden for the mortgage, bills, kids etc. Like you I had so many sleepless nights worrying how we would cope if i lost my job / became ill.

My exh was also depressed, couldn't stick at a job etc but was a good dad and a kind man.

Our dc were younger than yours and we coped fine.

We are now 6 years post divorce and i am so much happier. I married the OM and finally know what a real partnership feels like. We are much more 'equal'. Exh and I remained amicable and co-parent our dc well - they are now teens like yours.

He is still flaky with work and has cut his hours down so much that we only works a couple of days a week now. We sold the marital home and were both able to buy / mortgage our own places with the equity. however, I know he feels 'cheated' as he has a small house with a small mortgage and i have a big house, with a big mortgage. But as i have pointed out to him when he has made comparrisons, me and dh work our arses off for our house / holidays etc. he chooses to do the bare mimimum / can't hold a job down etc so can only afford so much.

I found my ex became very dependent on me to provide a certain type of life for him / us (sky tv / holidays / new clothes etc). I grew to be resentful as I felt he wasn't working as hard as me or no way near as long hours. Now I have a dh who earns the same as me, luxuries and big expenditures feel more like a joint input.

As much as I still care very much for my exh, he still expects the finer things in life but doesn't seem to grasp that you have to work damn hard for it and that there are sacrifices for those things.

I don't think your dh will change OP. If anything he will get worse as he gets older. men over 50 are the highest unemployed, it will become harder for him to find work if he's not settled in a company. I suspect you will get increasingly bitter and resentful at the burden you carry and the inequality in your marriage.

There's never a good time to split up OP. There is always something going on with dc that makes you feel like you're trapped.
I don't think anyone would blame you for leaving this waster. I think I might try an ultimatum (although maybe you're past that). 'Lose your job again and we're getting divorced'.

Don't forget, every pension contrbution you make until you divorce him is half for him. Every pound off the mortgage is 50p to him.

The sooner you're outthe more time you have to repair your finances.

I thought adult adhd too
Good luck op

I second that MrsBB.

I got out of my marriage age 40 - still young enough to get a mortgage on my own. If i'd have stayed with him another 20 years then yes, i'd have had £150k equity rather than £75k equity, but would've been too old to get a mortgage.

My ex has also not been paying into any pension, so he will be poor as chips when he retires. i'm glad he won't be living off of my money.

Sometimes money takes over. Have you thought how the two of you would be if you inherited a lot of money or won the lottery? If you think it might solve your problems stay together, if you think you would use the money to leave and be free then leave, what if he was they one who came into money? How would you feel?

Thank you so much everyone for all your thoughtful replies - sorry I haven't been back on here for a bit, I didn't really want him to catch me writing about him. I still feel a bit guilty for spilling on here but I have to do something.

ADHD... well I didn't see that coming. But now you mention it I do wonder if he might be on the spectrum somewhere. Not sure about the hyperactive bit - actually I have been laughing about that one, anything less hyperactive than my husband is hard to imagine!! - but he is off in his own little bubble a lot of the time, not just at work but also with me and the girls. He never knows what we're doing or what the girls are doing, even if it's sometimes quite important, and just seems to be preoccupied with what is going on in his own life. Quite autistic when you think about it.

Ferando81 - have now made it absolutely clear to him that him losing this job will be a serious issue for me. I don't think it had occurred to him that he was putting not just his job on the line but also his marriage. He was quite taken aback. But the more I think about this the more I think this is the last straw. I have supported him, financially and emotionally, and been sympathetic to him for eight years now. I have had enough. I cannot do this any more.

Oblomov - yes, that's exactly it. I feel deep in my heart that I ought to leave, but I can't. And he is not going to change. I actually don't believe you should try to change your partner's personality anyway, but in his case I'm not sure he could change even if I tried.

I would love to say there is someone else but no there's nobody. It's actually made it harder to leave in a way: there doesn't seem to be any good reason, other than I'm really fed up. And bored, which is a whole other issue. The finances are starting to really, really matter now though.

Two things which are stopping me going right now: first, the kids. This is a deal breaker for me: one is just starting her A-level year, the other just starting her GCSE year. There is no way I am going to load a marriage break up on them now.

Second - and I hope this isn't going to sound too materialistic - I have a beautiful house which I found and I have made what it is. I also use it in my work, quite extensively. If I lose the house and have to move, I will find it more difficult to work at the level I'm working at, and besides I am spitting that I have to lose it because of him. It would really break my heart to leave here. He doesn't like the house (it's old and takes a fair bit of maintenance) so would perfectly happily sell it, but I would struggle to get over it.

Here's a question to those who might know a bit more about the nuts and bolts of this than me: if I were to come into some money, or saved some up before we split up, would I be able to keep it? Or would half of it be his automatically?

Oh, and in answer to your last question: if I won the lottery, no hesitation, I would buy him a house of his own and keep this one and we would be splitting up the day after the kids had finished their exams. Which says it all really.

I am just so sad. This has brought it all into focus in a way it never has been before. I really have to bring this to an end somehow. Not right away perhaps, but whenever I can. It is corrosive, both for me and for him.

I had thought I would keep our otherwise happy and loving household going for as long as I could, that it was my problem that I couldn't feel for him what I was supposed to feel for my husband, but actually I can't keep going like this indefinitely, whether it's my problem or not.

Sorry, long post again. Thank you for reading if you've got this far, and thank you all for helping.

OP if you are married then anything you have is half his - or at the every least would go into the martial pot to be divided out if you divorce. This includes your house and any savings either of you have.
I believe if you are left some money in a will then you can have that protected, but not any savings to stash away.
Oh and if you did win the lottery, he would be entitled to half / a share in that too.
I know it sucks OP, but thats marriage for you.
Don't forget as PP have said, he will also be able to make a claim on your pension.

if he doesn't like the house OP, is there anyway you can buy him out if you decide to split?

if you divorce whilst you still have dc under 18 then the courts have a right to make sure that the dc are housed, which means the liklihood of you keeping the house is greater. If you wait until they are older and left home you will have very little 'case' for arguing that you keep the house and will probably have to sell.

OP I don't think you can slap a band aid on this until your kids have left home. You will explode before then. I was married to someone who sounds like your husband. He sucked the joy out of my life. Everything was about him and all his troubles. I spent years propping him up emotionally and practically. It drove me to a mental health crisis and alcohol problem. he has recently left a well-paid corporate job to go self-employed and I can see him being exactly the same as your husband in it.

I split with my ex in January and our eldest took his GCSEs this summer. It honestly hasn't affected his exam results I don't believe. Even though the split was pretty nasty, my x did man up and found somewhere to live locally so the kids have had plenty of time with both of us and have seen that we are both coping ok.
Could you ex rent somewhere for a couple of years until both your kids have left home, and then you sell the house? That would give you a bit of time to find alternatives. Divorces take time to go through, it could easily be 1-2 years until you could sell the house anyway.

Damn. Thought so. There is an outside chance I might be able to cobble together the shortfall i would need to buy him out but no chance if I have to save twice that amount.

Actually if I won the lottery I wouldn't mind him having half as long as I could keep our house. This isn't really about money, it's about the huge inequalities in our relationship and the toll that's taking.

So I lose out big time if we split. I suppose it was never going to be an easy option though. Damn damn damn.

I think you could legally separate, work out the assets, but actually divide up the assets straight away.

Also, if the DC are staying with you, then you would likely be entitled to a larger share of the assets as you have to provide for them, or even to delay the sale of the house until the youngest is 18. If you wait until after they have left home, this is unlikely to happen.

So really, you are far better acting now.

OP, can I please suggest that you get yourself some independent legal advice from a family solicitor? I think that sitting down with an expert and understanding your position regarding the financial settlement, taking into account your particular circumstances (i.e. using the property for work purposes, the fact that you also do the bulk of the household work and 'childcare'), might make you feel better, as at least then you'll have the facts and will be able to make a decision based on that. It might not be as bad as you think!

'So I lose out big time if we split. I suppose it was never going to be an easy option though. Damn damn damn'.

Well yes, maybe so. But the reality is if he ever walked on you you and left you he would still be entitled to half of your assets.

If your marriage is doomed, best end it on your terms IMO.

The longer you stay with him the more chance he would be able to claim spousal maintenance from you if you split. Particularly if he was ever too ill to work (mental or physical)

What Maltese said, without a doubt. See a solicitor. See where you stand before your head spins off into various scenarios.

Agree with PP re: seeing a solicitor. After that, an IFA regarding options for house.

One thing I will say (having been through a divorce where I was devastated at the time to lose my house): it's only bricks & mortar.

Hopefully there will be options for you to keep it, but if not......

OP I know someone who got divorced in a situation where she massively out earned her husband and had paid about 80% of the deposit and mortgage (actually I know of a few divorces with the woman as much higher earner but that's for another day)

he actually agreed to live in a smaller place as long as he could use the house on his weekends with the children, which made sense really.

We were surprised - I suppose we're just used to people taking what they are entitled to - but he felt very strongly that it would be unfair for him to wander off with half her ££ when he knew he had not contributed much to it. Also he never did any housework anyway and didn't like the burden of the house, as he saw it.

because they split amicably, it's not a disaster if she's home at the weekend and he's there with the kids, though admittedly it's not often.

is it possible your DH would be open to that?

Also I note your point about him living in his own world - so do I, but I didn't get married and have children. I really think a lot of people do this and think they can just carry on living in their own worlds. as he's clearly done this, I wonder if he might see the unfairness and agree to a different split in assets/property?

My honest answer from reading your post is that he's happy to just bumble along in life just knowing that you will be the one who feeds the kids/pays the bills and knows he can behave like this. I'd have a really hard time accepting a partner that wasn't pulling their weight in any aspects of a relationship and parenting. What honestly are you getting from this? Life is too short to be miserable, and don't think your kids won't have noticed that you're unhappy.......... a confident happy mum is a very positive role model for them, not one that is going through the motions because she's too scared of change. I'd book a meeting with a solicitor and find out where you would stand legally if you said enough.

Hi I hope you left him! It sounds a very similar story to mine, my husband refused to work and I stupidly took on extra work as well as full time job. My parents were livid.we married too young.
I had to do most of the housework and shopping,he couldn't drive. Just as I am about to retire I am diagnosed with a chronic debilitating illness,he has turned his back on me.He books holiday for himself( with his pension) goes out for days ,and offers me no support whatsoever! I wish I'd left him decades ago,my whole life has been work and he has taken massive advantage.
I look back on my life with total regret, don't make the same mistake it isn't worth it! I cry every day wishing I'd walked away.